We’ve tried to be clear. We’ve tried to be polite. We’ve tried to be firm.

We have warned you.

And yet, some poor, deluded souls out there continue to insist on purchasing vile replicant homunculi modeled after the Grover-crushing, drug-smuggling, twitching, giggling, porn-starring megalomaniac known as Elmo.

What is it going to take before the madness ends, people? What taboos must this loathsome imp shatter in his writhing orgy of unslakeable ravening before you say No. No, it has gone too far.

Death Threat Elmo, perhaps?

A cuddly, programmable Elmo doll revealed its dark side to a Lithia family yesterday after fresh batteries were installed.

Instead of singing songs or reciting the favorite color of its 2-year-old owner James Bowman, the doll started making death threats.

With a squeeze of its fuzzy belly, the Sesame Street character now says, in a sing-song voice, “Kill James.”

Exchange it! you say. Take it back! you say. Reverse the polarity! you say. But no, there is no amount of abuse that the public will not accept as long as it comes wrapped in a fuzzy red package. James loves it. James wants to keep it. James must be a very special child.

…the malfunctioning, death-threat-spouting Elmo Knows Your Name doll is now being kept away from her son, Bowman said.

“This is his absolute favorite toy,” she said. “So we’ve been going through a lot of hassle because he’s trying to climb up the counter and up the closets to get it.”

The family plans to return the doll, but a fat lot of good that will do.

Kid, Elmo doesn’t just Know Your Name, he Knows Where You Live.

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