When we heard that four bloodsucking zombie-like creatures were going to be involved in a film revolved around seducing men, you could say we were vaguely interested.
At first, we assumed it would be a modern day version of the classic Greek myth about Medusa and her ability to turn anyone into stone. Making it all postmodern and setting in New York meant a whole host of terror could be inflicted on a city that King Kong and the Cloverfield monster had both already ravaged.
But we got the wrong end of the stick and were in for a shock when we discovered what the film was about. The wicked witches of New York - otherwise known as Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda from Sex And The City - had somehow slithered on to the big screen to torture cinemagoers everywhere. And, after just getting over this initial shitfest, our blood pressure has soared again - we⿿ve learnt that a sequel has just been commissioned.
The creatively titled Sex And The City: The Movie is still showing in a couple of cinemas, sending women into spasms of romance and blokes into blubbering wrecks. Not because Samantha⿿s plight moved them, but because they⿿ve realised they⿿ve blown £15 on a ticket, popcorn and drink. Being dragged round IKEA to look at eco-friendly cutlery is more appealing to your average man.
We won⿿t bother ruining the plot of Sex And The City for you. We would, but we haven⿿t seen it so we can⿿t. It⿿s not like the end of the last Harry Potter book, where you can flick to the end of the last page and find out that Harry⿿s whole wizard experience was the result of sniffing too many solvents.
Still, we do know that at the end of the film that the four hags were sitting round a table celebrating Samantha⿿s 50th and another toasting to the next fifty years. Oh Jesus, the next 50? Urgh, must we?
Give time a chance to catch up with them and we⿿ll end up getting Sex And The City: Pensioner Edition. With the potential for this franchise to be made right up until 2058, we could be in for some extremely uncomfortable viewing. Do we really want to watch saggy, old women chasing after men with their mobility scooters and walking sticks?
Just remember, it would be like your granny chasing after your best mate. Not a pretty image at all, is it? So why would you pay to see anything as godawful as that? We wouldn⿿t even inflict that sort of stuff on our enemies.
Unless it⿿s just us, we can⿿t really think of many programmes or films that any of the Sex And The City girls have done since the TV show finished. Sarah Jessica Parker got work as a pantomime horse across the country, but apart from that there⿿s been nothing at all to bring in the money. But, even so, surely one Sex And The City movie is enough for anybody. Not according to HBO bigwig Michael Lombardo. He said:
⿿We’re really heartened by the fans’ enthusiasm. There is a lot of energy behind doing another SATC movie.⿿
There you have it! People power has prevailed again and, thanks to thousands of women, another film is in the works. With potentially exciting plots to maybe include Carrie getting her pension book or Samantha defying everything to become the world’s oldest stripper, this film only makes us want to cry into our Frosties.
Still, we⿿ll just numb the pain by watching a film with car chases and explosions in it. You can never go wrong with those.
