The lights, the excitement, the cleavage! This year’s Emmys didn’t disappoint, and let us count the many ways:
Best male bonding: The three-way hug with Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell — after Stewart and Colbert announced the winner of the best actor in a comedy series Emmy for Ricky Gervais for “Extras.” “Ricky Gervais couldn’t be here tonight,” Stewart dead-panned, “so we’re giving it to our friend Steve Carell.” Carell, a nominee for “The Office,” bolted to the stage and did a victory dance no less sweet because it was a send-up.
The “stop before you go too far” award: Sally Field, we like you, we really like you (and your show, “Brothers and Sisters”), but your blather about “all the mothers in the world” and “if women ran the world there’d be no war” could have stopped, sweetly, about a third of the way through. And should have.
Best rejoinder: David Chase, accepting for best drama series for “The Sopranos,” “and let’s face it, if gangsters ran the world, or this country … or hey, maybe they do.”
“So surprising even the winner was shocked” award: James Spader winning best actor in a dramatic series, beating out heavy favorite James “Tony Soprano” Gandolfini. Spader mouthed “Oh my God!” as he stood up to go to the stage, and then looked mildly exasperated that he won. “I feel like I just stole a pile of money from the mob … and they’re all sitting right there.” And hey, isn’t “Boston Legal” really a comedy anyway?
Sweetest underdog: America Ferrera, who won best actress in a comedy for “Ugly Betty.” Her character is just the winning kind of scrapper the academy voters — and we — really love. Does that girl have a big heart, or what?
Funniest girl: Tina Fey, whose “30 Rock” won best comedy series. Her speech thanked the cast and crew, spouses and kids of same, and the show’s “dozens and dozens of viewers.”
Best teardrops: Marcia Cross’ ginormous turquoise chunk earrings, dangling so far down they banged into her collarbone (hope her earlobes are able to bounce back).
Second best teardrops: Those of an overwhelmed Jaime Pressly, who won best actress in a comedy for “My Name Is Earl” — clearly so surprised and overwhelmed by her win she choked on the names she listed, including that of her newborn son, Dezi. Awwwww.
Best impromptu haiku (though with a little too much info): Thomas Haden Church, winner of best supporting actor in a miniseries for “Broken Trail”: “Jumped out of limousine … to pee … pants immediately not fitting.” And was it just me, or did he still seem squirmy and antsy, like he still had to pee?
Most inexplicably overemployed actor in Hollywood: Host Ryan Seacrest, who wasn’t terrible, but man, was he out of his element. (And that pleather tie?)
Most unnerving prediction of on-screen chemistry: We hope Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton have a little more connection and pizzazz in their highly promoted new sitcom, “Back to You.” Based on the squirmingly awkward small talk they made on the small carpet beforehand, it doesn’t look good. Back to you.
Best plan-B speech preparation: Hugh Laurie, who said he had prepared “a speech from ‘Henry V.’” That ups the Dr. House curmudgeon angle by a factor of 10.
Most mysterious cleavage decor: Helen Mirren’s — her purple gown featured what looked like two jeweled hands feeling up her breasts right at that critical juncture.
Meanest barb at co-worker: Ryan Seacrest’s jab at fellow “American Idol” star Paula Abdul, after talking about “Weeds,” woo-hoo, and “boy what an afterparty — right, Paula?” She looked stunned and pretty annoyed. Who wouldn’t be?
Sexiest dress trend: Slits up to there and front hem cutaways. This trend has legs!
Most honest quip: Tina Fey and Julia Louis-Dreyfus, who listed all the things they have in common, including, “We both have children and Emmys. Which we love equally.”
Best course correction: Katherine Heigl’s correction of the voiceover announcer’s mangling of the pronunciation of her name.
Coolest supporting actor: Surprise winner Terry O’Quinn, whose speech was gracious (though it did seem a bit wistful for the saner working conditions of fellow ABC show “Desperate Housewives”). Extra credit for a sweet shout-out to his fellow nominee and co-star Michael Emerson. But that shiny pink Qiana shirt and the sequined tie? They oughta get “Lost.”
Most referenced TV scene of the past year: The controversial “Sopranos” ending blackout, riffed by Stewie of “Family Guy” in the opening (hilarious) animated number. Ray Romano, who was a presenter but apparently thought he was supposed to do an opening monologue as well, also chatted about that scene. But Stewie was better; Stewie for host next year!
Best actual repartee: Brad Garrett and Joely Fisher sparring as presenters. Garrett quipped that Robert Duvall was right about every actor wanting to star in a Western, and that he and Fisher would be starring in “Bury My Head Between Your Knees.” Fisher one-upped him by saying he couldn’t get on Craigslist — unless it was “Senator Craig’s list.” Ka-ching!
Least likely entertainment phenomenon: Al Gore, who now has an Emmy to accompany his Oscar. What’s next, a duet with Tony Bennett?
Most uncomfy-looking celebs: Everyone, in those stiff, cheap-looking chairs apparently brought in for the Shrine’s new “in-the-round” presentation.
Er, what exactly was the point? Of the round thing?
Most shameless hawking of the year’s already most interminable wedding: Eva Longoria of “Desperate Housewives,” who managed to mention that her dress was made by “the same designer who did my wedding reception dress.” It’s the celebration that will never end.
Best channeling of a ’70s icon: Jane Krakowski, whose sleek disco-y dress she hoped would emulate “Jerry Hall circa Studio 54.” Mission accomplished.
Most moving class reunion: The surviving cast members of “Roots,” celebrating its 30th anniversary, who came out and all spoke briefly about being involved in the groundbreaking and still-devastating production. They all looked handsome and deeply, justifiably proud of their achievement. When will ABC do a celebratory rebroadcast?
Most conspicuous missing winner: Kathy Griffin, whose “My Life on the D-List” won a Creative Arts Emmy. In her speech she mentioned that lots of winners thank Jesus, and that she wouldn’t be, because “nobody had less to do with this award than Jesus.” She was subsequently chastised by the TV academy and told her remarks would be censored. Exasperated afterwards, she asked Entertainment Weekly, “Am I the only Catholic left with a sense of humor?”
Coolest column: All the sleek red ones worn by lots of actresses, including “Heroes’” Ali Larter and presenter Queen Latifah, who both looked striking and ultra-glam in their flame-colored gowns.
Most overdue winner: Robert Duvall, nominated four times and finally winning for best performance in a miniseries for “Broken Trail.” (He was first nominated for a performance that still haunts us, “Lonesome Dove,” in 1989). But his acceptance speech, which started off promising (”… we all want to do Westerns), turned into a rambling recounting of how the project got made. Hey, pardner, that’s the sunset over there calling your name!
Most matronly 18-year-old: “Heroes” star Hayden Panettiere, whose boufy coral-hued gown matched her tanorexic skin. Honey, you’re so darling — play up that young thing for a while longer, will you?
The Just-Because-You’re-From-The-Same-State-That-Doesn’t-Mean-You-Have-That-Much-In-Common Award: The Frankie Valli tribute as somehow also a salute to “The Sopranos.” Not unless we can hear those falsettos singing, “woke up this morning / got myself a gun.”
Sentimental fave: Tony Bennett, whose duet with Christina Aguilera drew aws and applause (and yes, that did look like a distinct baby bump — for Xtina, not Tony). Bennett was honored for “An American Classic,” with a sweet tribute from his son and manager, Danny, who said, “Because of you, Dad, I’m going to be reaching for the moon for the rest of my life.”
Most likely not to be Danny Bennett’s mom: Tony’s gorgeous young wife, Susan, whom he married in June of this year.
Most subdued: Jon Stewart, who in accepting his Emmy for best variety series, spoke of sending his staff to Iraq, where they “found laughs in hell.” Which when you think about it, is pretty gratifying.
Best who-cares attitude: Elaine Stritch, a stitch as Jack Donaghy’s mom on “30 Rock” but even funnier in her own persona, making fun of the lame jokes written for her to say as a presenter.
Best hidden talent: Rainn Wilson’s rapping style on a Kanye West song. Channeling Steve Allen, he went the straight white-dude route and beat West at his own lyrics — then continued the lyric a capella: “You can be my black Kate Moss tonight.”
Most expensive-looking python: The sash of gems around Portia di Rossi’s swanlike neck.
Least surprising award: Which is saying something, right? “The Amazing Race” winning the reality award yet again — and bringing up apparently everyone who’s ever been a contestant. Come on, this was “Project Runway’s” year. Auf Wiedersehen, “Amazing Race!”
What was your favorite moment? I think mine was when…oh, wait. I didn’t watch it, I just waited until Monday to get all the good stuff. Ha!
