When flowers just won't do

OK, so maybe the neighbors had nothing to do with it, but I'd like to know who was supposed to be on neighborhood watch that night. I'd check them for paint residue.

Paris is due to be released from jail like any minute now, or so the reporters that are camped out hope. Her original plans for a grand and glamorous return were somewhat dampened by Barbara Walters' smackdown - even after having her ass buffed and polished by Kathy Hilton - but good ol' Larry King stepped in to save the day, and now Paris will sit down for a post-jail chat with him.

Paris says she wants to create a kind of halfway house to help women adjust to life on the streets after being locked up. She claims to be a changed woman, and for her sake, I hope she is. The last few months before she got sent up the river she looked like an unwanted puppy, and even changing sex partners frequently didn't cheer her up the way it used to.

Maybe shopping for a new car will do the trick. Her MB McLaren was repossessed while she was in jail. I thought rich people paid people to pay their bills for them - maybe she forgot to pay her business manager and accountants, too.