Relationships have many fine points. The love and companionship, the intimacy, and the inside jokes all become part of that force that attaches you to someone. There may be many bad times as well but often times the good seems to outweigh the bad. Maybe you’ve even experienced a whole lot of bad but the little bits of good just feel SO good that you wait it out and hope change will bring with it a more consistent stream of better times.

Have you ever been trapped in that waiting period? Would you even know if you were?

There are many clues that can alert you to the stagnancy that we may be too blind in love to see. Sometimes the fear of loneliness or the unknown is more than enough to keep you in. Take those fears, throw in a healthy dose of denial and you’ve got yourself a situation. Without even knowing it, you may begin to change while hoping for change. Sometimes those changes within yourself are not for the better, but for the worse - you begin to disappear in the name of your relationship.

Many of us do all types of things in the name of love. But if you’re losing your sense of self, is it really love that you’re fighting for?

Signs: Have You Seen Her?

Hearing any gripes from family or friends about how much you’ve changed? Think they’re crazy? After all, they don’t REALLY know, right? Only you know the intricacies of your relationship. Only you know if that argument you told them about last week was actually the lighter one of the last three *really* bad ones. Only you know how well you are at handling it so you’re not that worried.

This part gets tricky for some because its easy to alienate those who know you best when it feels like they are against you and your relationship. If you are able to bear in mind the fact that at the end of the day, its your decision what you do or don’t do in love, maybe really listening to what your loved ones have to say isn’t such a horrible idea.

Too Close To See It

When emotions run rampant and you’re too close to the fire to see where it’s coming from, logic doesn’t always kick in. Let’s face it. When you love someone very deeply, even if you’re crying more than you’re smiling, comments like “At least I KNOW the bad drama with him…If I leave, I wouldn’t know how to handle the issues” makes perfect sense to you. Friends can insist, give pointed looks, and remind you relentlessly- for some people it doesn’t make a difference. The bottom line is your relationship is a priority.

You know how, in hindsight, you often hear a jilted lover say something along the lines of “I didn’t see it coming - I suppose the signs were there”? This is not only in reference to cheating - be mindful of the fact that more often than not, they are. If it’s love that you want to nurture, you owe it to yourself to recognize what is healthy and what’s iffy. Here are a couple of examples

It Happens: You don’t see your bff as often anymore because you’re spending more time with your partner.
Warning Sign: You don’t see your bff because he said so/all of your free time is his time/you have to hide.

It Happens: Arguments come up and so you compromise especially to keep the peace.
Warning Sign: Arguments come up and will never end unless you give up, even if it really hurts you to do so.

It Happens: You wear something because you know he’ll love it.
Warning Sign: Forget personal style. If he wouldn’t like it, you won’t wear it, say it, think about it.

It Happens: He’s into football - you never cared for sports. You learn so you can keep up.
Warning Sign: You never do anything you like to do anymore. Worst yet, you become the poster child of things you abhor and disagree with to please him. Hey - he’s passionate and why lose a man over your choice of a political party?

It Happens: You don’t talk about most troubles at home to maintain privacy.
Warning Sign: You don’t get help for troubles at home because everyone keeps telling you to leave and you struggle with the fact that they have a solid point.

It Happens: His choice of career means he needs a strong support system. You make some sacrifices - he would do the same for you!
Warning Sign: Your choice of career doesn’t matter anymore so there’s no point in pursuing your interests.

It Happens: You have an important decision to make and affects the both of you so of course, you call him and discuss it.
Warning Sign: You feel wrong if you didn’t run something pass him - and by something, I mean everything.

The Caveat

Losing yourself in a relationship:

• It can be very easy to do especially if you feel in order to keep someone happy and in love, you need to give as much of yourself as humanly possible to someone who doesn’t/won’t give that kind of dedication back.
• The fear of not being enough causes some people to go above and beyond their own comfort zones. This includes values, beliefs, and financial contributions.
• Physical, verbal, emotional abuse - all unacceptable. Logically, you know this but a certain sense of self erodes the longer this cycle continues. Have you ever muttered the words “I deserved it this time because I made him mad - I knew not to…” It’s possibly for someone to forget that they deserve to be treated better than that when this is what they know.
• Sometimes manipulation can be quiet and subtle. Until you believe you’re important enough to deserve better, his approval may be all that matters in life.
• You might think that if you change enough for him, he might change for you. You’re motivated by your ideals and are disappointed with the outcome. You might see a sliver of success through conversation only to be disappointed again next week. So you pull the trigger again and change a little bit more. As you wait for his change, you inch further and further away from the woman you used to be until you can’t see her anymore. And neither can he.

It’s a misconception if you honestly believe that you have to give up yourself in order to be with him. Hopefully you are part of a healthy relationship with a great guy where there is room for you! If there truly isn’t any, you’re not in a relationship. The avatar of the woman that’s supposed to be you is. You are then essentially robbing yourself of the right to love and respect from a partner AND from yourself. Tragic.

Loving Both You and Him

With the cornerstones of a happy, healthy relationship being communication and compromise, there is nothing wrong with loving with a whole heart. There is beauty in selflessness however that does not mean you lose your sense of self. In order to nurture your own self love, you can utilize a couple of the following suggestions:

Find Your Friends: They love you as is. They always have. Good ones will still exist even if you’ve been ‘gone’ for a while. Don’t underestimate the power of a good girlfriend. Laughter, perspective, understanding - these are all perks available to you.

Your Independence: You don’t need to ditch him to exercise some independence. Is your career or education on hold? Did they take a backseat? Is there are hobby you wish you could try? Even if you insist on taking baby steps, get out there and take a hold of something that benefits YOU. Try your hand on something that requires YOUR initiative and YOUR time. And no, don’t opt out because it means you have to come home late once in a while. Besides - absence makes a heart grow fonder. Really - it does.

Fight the Good Fight: I’m not suggesting you become a gladiator and turn your home into a war zone. Instead, I would say pick your battles. Staying mum about something that really hurts you isn’t really keeping the peace if your resentment is growing exponentially. Keeping in mind that it’s give and take, remember that it’s ok to take. Speak up and let him know what matters to you. Mutual respect is very necessary in a healthy relationship and if speaking up will cost you your man, you’ve never had him to begin with.

Me, Me, Me: Miss him a little. Go stretch out on the grass at the park or hit the spa. Do things that you love that he’d roll his eyes to. Watch your chick flick. Indulge in the goodness that is all you. If you haven’t done it in a while, you might be at a loss. But you’ve got to start somewhere. You may be surprised how much good it will do for your relationship when you become an entity of your own.

Loving Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Back

At the end of the day, the greatest fear for some might be loving someone who doesn’t love them back the same way, if at all. While some people suffer because they never get the object of their affection, others do by remaining in a relationship where they hope to change things by attempting to become whoever he wants.

Although this article I’ve written - Loving Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Back - touches upon this painful experience, I must say here that as frightening and as painful as it may be, you’re hurting yourself more by giving up your chance at happiness by belittling the woman that you are. A nice word here or there, or praise for doing something well is not the same as being loved and cared for. It may feel soothing to hang on for the next instance of attention .. but what you’re looking for does not come from rewards for service. It comes from love.

If there is anything in this world that you can do, you can give yourself the greatest act of love by holding on to the woman that you are. Single or attached, she still matters - and being attached to someone who loves you for the person you really are is an exhilarating, wonderful feeling.

If you must do one thing in the name of love, hold on to the woman who is doing the loving in the first place. Don’t be fooled. It’s never too late. Seek and ye shall find .. you.

Photo by: mikem1115

As I bring the very special Life Coach series to a close, I wanted to bring to you some tools/suggestions Tim provided me with to use on my own. Talking to Tim was like putting glasses on. Things were so clear!

Of course, using them on my own has been a great help to me and Tim’s just an email away So without further ado, here are some things that really helped me and I highly recommend you try out for yourself. And who knows, maybe you might want to give him a call.

It’s All In the Way You Look At It

I knew I was catching on with my new way of thinking today on my way from the supermarket. All it took was a glance at my grocery bill to begin thinking “And there goes another chunk of my life savings..what else do I need to pay for? Aw great” and so forth. As I got into my car I realized I was tense, teeth clenched, and upset. Why?
I realized that it was all in the way I looked at it. The positive spin to the very same event was that I had all the healthy foods I needed on hand (AND some spiffy food savers!) to continue moving forward towards my goal to be fit. I instantly felt better. I kid you not.

Tim told me that taking a negative thought and placing a positive connotation to it instead was called reframing. You might think its all mind games. Well good. As long as you decide to play, you’ll find yourself feeling better and much more capable of dealing with the situation at hand as opposed to being trapped in the grips of negativity.

What is the positive spin to the thought that’s eating you right now?
Often times you may realize that the assault on your blood pressure isn’t even necessary.

In my personal experience, it took some paying attention to pull this off. I would forget about reframing while I was upset. But the more I did it, the quicker I would recall the advantages of reframing and give it a shot. Negative thoughts are quick to come. For many of us, they are on automatic and so reframing requires a higher level of consciousness. You’ll be paying more attention to your moods and your thoughts which, inadverdently, makes you more self aware - which takes me to the next tool.

Pay Attention

Tim would often suggest that I take a step back and observe my feelings. How does one do that?
When I thought about it, here’s what I would do when I wasn’t paying attention to my thoughts. I’d get anxious about something because the results were not within my control. The longer I had to wait, the more upset I would get. THEN I would get upset at myself for allowing something out of my control upset me. It wasn’t a lovely cycle.

Taking a step back meant that I notice that I’m anxious and allow that feeling to just be. Doing that meant I couldn’t attack myself with another barrocade of negative thoughts because I wasn’t forcing myself to be upset (or happy). No judging. No attempt at change. Just awareness.

Who woulda thunk it?

Horrible, Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Days

Its the perfect excuse to revel in your own misery. Bad incidents that happen - from stubbing your toe, to running late, to ripping your skirt and breaking a heel. You might not even notice that you’re lengthening your agony long after the day is over because you’re upset about what happened before.

When we talked about the small misfortunes that can reroute the tone of your day, Tim’s response was “What can I learn from this?”

I was taken aback at first. What can I learn from someone nearly running me over as I cross the street? That wasn’t my fault!

Sure it isn’t but it can’t hurt me to answer the question with a smart ” Next time, look both ways”

Since your subjective experience all originates from your thoughts and perception, you can conspire to have a good day or a bad one. And of course, since many things are not within your control, acceptance is paramount to your peace of mind. For the things you CAN influence, learning from your mistakes is much more empowering than it feels when you make them

The Value of Your Values

When Tim asked me what my values were, I didn’t know what to tell him at first. Values? I suppose I know them. I don’t really think about them - I love my family, education’s important, I love love and so forth. But for another eye opening experience, Tim administered this a comprehensive little quiz of sorts. With the guidance of the questions, I was able to see things that were really important to me. I operate intuitively with my values in place but I never payed attention to it before.

Funny enough, Tim pointed out that the further away someone operated from their values (for instance, their career), the more unhappy they were. What’s happening is a conflict of values has come forth and until it is resolved, you’ll experience discomfort. If your job requires you to do something you don’t believe in, or a new prospect observes a very different religion/belief than you do - your happiness or unhappiness with the situation has a lot to do with your values and what you hold dear to your heart. In other words, taking stock in what really matters to you is important for the sake of your contentment.

Tim speaks in depth about this in his very valuable e-book (that I thoroughly enjoyed and refer to a lot). If you’re interested in more insight from this great Life Coach, check the e-book out and visit his blog here.

I have to say - and I told Tim this - I was doubly fortunate for this experience because the sessions just so happen to coincide with a time that I could really use the guidance because I didn’t feel capable of kicking myself in the pants and back into the groove of things. It bites when there is a gap between where you are and when you want to be and having no idea how to cross it. With these tools (and some reminders that I needed), I felt more at ease in my own skin. With the Fall semester at the University coming up, this site, and several other responsibilities that I have, a strong sense of self is so necessary.

So a very public thanks for sheer gratitude to Tim Brownson for the opportunity to work with him. Thank you Tim!

And thank you, the treasured readers of InMyHeels for taking a walk in MY heels with me through the life coaching experience. I hope you’ve found this series to helpful to you in your own journey.

Here’s to our best lives!

Photo by: geekattack

This particular post was a long time coming and its directly coincides with what I’ve been feeling as of late. I thought it would be a great to share with you one of my biggest struggles and in the event that you feel anything similar, I’d also love to share with you the wisdom that Tim has shared with me.

Somehow, I’ve cornered myself into feeling so overwhelmed that I began to stop - nearly everything. You’ve heard of the paralysis of analysis, have you not? You know, when you analyze SO much that you become afraid to move for whatever reason? Enter me, a twenty-something gal with lots of somethings on her mind. There are so many things that I wanted to take charge of and knowing that it’s a frame of mind, I decided to tackle it all. Except I didn’t know where to start. I could see the very big picture - think Google Earth of my dream world - however I couldn’t focus.

Then, the sad state of the What Ifs grew to what felt like astronomical heights. I couldn’t even bring myself to write. How frustrating - particularly because I have always found writing to be such a release!

Lucky for me, a caring Life Coach listened intently to my crisis and helped bring me back to Earth. And what’s the good of dishing advice if one can’t take a dose for herself? Turns out that no matter how many self improvement books you dedicate yourself to reading, the profound change that you seek in those books all start by taking one step at a time. Know that I am one of those who will nod “Yeah, yeah but what’s the REAL secret” to such age-old advice until I have my epiphany It DOES all start with one step and they are each quite significant; even when you think they are too small to matter.

The Big Picture

Perhaps it’s just my very nature but oh how I delight in the broad strokes and bright colors of possibilities that all contribute to The Big Picture. You know, that big goal..that dream of yours. When you realize that you have an actual shot at attainment, it’s quite exciting! It’s important to be able to be able to step back and take a look at what you’re aiming for. It inspires a direction for you to head towards. But here’s the thing. While you want to keep this picture close, you want to do more than just enjoy the view. While seeing what you want is critical, it is not the only step. After all, “I want a dream body” will not grant you abs of steel by just dreaming about it every waking moment. It grants you the inspiration you need to begin the actual work.

I found myself stuck at The Big Picture and I told Tim so. I was unbelievably overwhelmed by what I saw in The Big Picture in comparison to my current state in life. In my honest opinion, the difference was dismal. But Tim didn’t see it that way.

Perhaps the man is gifted with positive perspective (which is great, him being a Life Coach and all) because by the time our hour would be over, I would feel like my current state wasn’t as bad as I pictured it to be. The monster of a mountain that is my Big Picture wasn’t smooth and impossible to climb. Rather, looking closer, it was something I could definitely climb - I just needed to accept that I wouldn’t be at the top of it the minute I approached it. So much for that microwave-society, instant gratification thinking!

So my next question to Tim was something to the effect of “How do I start moving forward?”

Whodunnit: Learning How By Watching What Others Have Done

This piece of advice is one of my favorites and it might have a lot to do with my love of a good plan. Tim suggested that I read about the people I admired or aspired to be like. I already find people’s lives quite interesting. The funny thing about life is there is no cookie-cutter way to live it. Things happen - good AND bad but one cornerstone of the successful would be their intent on ‘making it work’ anyway. And if you think about it, you’ll see. Life can either just happen to you, or you can do your very best to play the hand you’ve been dealt. By reading about those I aspire to be like, not only do I get to witness the unique dealings of THEIR struggles, I can skip some of the hard knock lessons by learning from steps already taken in someone else’s heels. It’s a real advantage when you have serious intent on getting somewhere. Learn from others and utilize the wisdom harvested over time to spare yourself some grief and gain an idea of what to do. Every little bit counts!

Breaking It Down. Way Down.

This tip has got to be the golden turnkey that I desperately needed. I had been doing things that are comparable to walking in to a gym for the first time in your life and taking a hold of 350 lbs with every intent of hoisting it upon your back for squats. You can have every bit of determination and pure positive thinking on your side but to be effective, you need to be capable. If you are not yet capable, you can become so however you must take the steps to become so.

It is easy to be overwhelmed when you can’t see HOW it is you’re supposed to accomplish something. The stress and anxiety that comes from comparing yourself to people who seem to have it together can’t possibly help. Now throw in the auto-pilot self depreciating commentary that goes on in your mind and you have yourself a way to become stuck in life.

Breaking down a big task into smaller tasks that you are able to complete is how you get the big task done. Logically speaking, you might know this. But when you’re busy being overwhelmed, it’s super easy to forget. I wish I had a You-Tube visual of the relief that seeped in as Tim explained this to me. I was feeling like all of my small tasks were insignificant and couldn’t possibly be chipping away at my goals. Tim helped me experience the contrary by way of conversation and visualization. He told me to read this piece he wrote on his blog which perfectly summarized the need to chunk down to get things done.

Consistency - Keeping Your Eyes On the Prize

Ah. For me, this is the hard part. The magic is in the consistency. When doubt starts to creep its way back in to put a big foot in your plan, it may help to go back to your Big Picture and remind yourself where all those little tasks you are completing will ultimately take you.

Have faith in your actions towards success and don’t allow inconsistency to undermine your efforts. The stop and start again can wear on you and it can make starting again that much harder to initiate on your own. That being said, Tim pointed out something that was very important for me to keep in mind. When bad days happen and you miss a step, it isn’t catastrophic. It is not “all ruined” as I so aptly put it. You can strive for excellence and have moments that are less than perfect. The key is to not get stuck at that point - get back to it as soon as you can.

Don’t allow pristine ideas of perfection dwarf progress instead of improve it. It’s the consistent nature over time that will give you what you seek.

Meditate - The Ultimate Time Out

Last but not least, Tim suggested that I reap the benefits that come from regular meditation. My stress levels that came from NOT doing what I wanted to do (which only brought more of what I didn’t want) skyrocketed. I was constantly upset with myself and I needed some clarity. I had to laugh when Tim added that there is no ‘perfect’ way to meditate. I laughed because I had stopped meditating simply because I thought I was doing it completely wrong! I would still my mind only to get distracted by my endless to-do list that magically formed in my thoughts. I was also surprised to hear that many people did the same exact thing (One of the most awesome things I have found in speaking to a Life Coach is actual confirmation that I am not alone in my struggles. Other people experience and overcome the same things!)

I have to say - I felt like I was getting my life back when I realized that my being stuck and overwhelmed was a matter of perspective. Perhaps my crisis is a growing pain (gotta love those). The playing field widens as I grow up and want different things. I am incredibly blessed that the journey InMyHeels is not a lone one - even when it might feel that way. This blog has brought me in touch with a Life Coach at *just* the right time for exactly what I needed. It has also enriched my life with wonderful readers and caring friends who keep an eye on the steps InMyHeels takes forward.

Take this is a (( virtual hug )) to you, the reader who relates or knows where I coming from.

Being overwhelmed can be overcome. This post in itself is actual proof of such things. It is my hope that my experience and help from Tim helps you see that you can do it too.

*smile*

It feels good to be back.

Photo by: Daniel Cornejo

Have you ever felt stuck at any point in your life?

You know that you want to make positive changes, be happier, get things done, discover the exciting possibilities available to you and yet something is holding you back.

Something like perpetual doubt and negative statements informing you of your inabilities and past failures in the form of a loop that won’t stop playing in your mind.

It’s a frustrating place to be in and the longing for better things in life gnaw at you. But where do you begin? Change is uncomfortable and so even if you are already uncomfortable with the way your life is, its familiar and therefore nesting in your familiar, uncomfortable unhappiness seems to be the easier thing to do.

Curious, though.. How do you get unstuck in life? Out of a rut and into the good stuff that others seem to be enjoying?

Life Coach Tim Brownson is full of useful insights and he shared them with me - and I couldn’t be any more grateful. So forwarding the good advice along, I hope these keys are as helpful to you as they have been to me.

No Fighting with Your Feelings

The thoughts and the feelings come. It’s what they do however you can do one of two things. You can be angry/stressed/upset about your current state of mind, perhaps stoking the flames of the negative emotions into an even larger fire or you can step back and observe your feelings. To observe your emotions is to actually become aware of what’s running rampant in your mind.

What’s going on?

What is it that you’re telling yourself over and over again?

If you know what you’re working with, you can do something about it.

Tim’s lesson in this is don’t judge your feelings. The act of judging your feelings alone creates an even greater deficit. This is a simple instruction but admittedly tougher than it sounds since you’re dealing with the habit of judging your own thoughts. Which leads us into the next point.

Uh Uh! Catch Those Thoughts

Negative thought loops can be slippery little fellas that are hard to catch and here’s why. You become so used to the thoughts and the feelings that come along with them that they become ho-hum background noise in your mind. It takes a level of consciousness to catch them and change them. So here’s what you do. If you can remember to check in on your thoughts, you can grow your level of consciousness and work on them. One very useful suggestion Tim shared with me was to utilize post it notes to remind myself to check in. He also mentioned that I move them around because after a while, they too can become “background noise”. In other words, if you get really used to seeing them in their usual position, you stop paying attention. This little exercise is worth trying out because it took me a few days to realize that the reason I was falling back into a slump was because I was back in sync with my negative loop! I had forgotten to check in. So from little alerts on my cell phone to a little post-it in books that I’m reading, I make it my business to consciously change my thoughts. In my opinion, its quite a bit of leg work. But then again, so is a long continuous stream of dissatisfaction. It is my intention to be able to do this more and more without the reminders but its a great place to start.

Who Cares What People Think?

One very surprising source of stress can be the gross preoccupation with what others think of you. You may not realize it at first but if you’re constantly worried about where you are in life in comparison to your peers or what they think of what you’re doing with yourself, your decision making can be hindered (for a long time at that) and concentrate on an outcome that doesn’t genuinely make you happy. That’s where that unsettled dissastified feeling may come from. You may read - until you turn blue - that you ought to find something that you’re passionate about. But what happens if you don’t think what you’re passionate about will bring you the status or income that another job might? What happens if you’re constantly afraid about appearing inferior to others? Your choices are no longer yours. If you want positive change for yourself, you have to advocate for what really matters to your irregardless of what others might think.

Bless the hearts of those who are already past this stage in their life. Tim did an exercise with me which perfectly displayed my own discomfort with having others think I’m silly. Quite honestly, merely thinking about going against the grain in certain situations was as comfortable as swallowing a grapefruit whole. But it also helped me realize a very empowering fact. Many people spend exorbitant amounts of time worrying about their own appearances in front of others. Some of the major decisions I needed to make for my own life have been thrown askew by what So-and-So might think. This can go on for the majority of your life or it can decrease because you’ve decided to live for yourself. It’s an unabashedly liberating feeling that comes with one conscious action after the other.

Life: Your Subjective Experience

For many of us, life seems to be something that happens to us. It’s easy to think you can’t help the level of your own happiness because of things that may have occurred in your life or words someone has said to you. But the more I work with Tim, the more I have come to realize that a good lot of it is a game of perspective. A situation could be a) the worst thing that has ever happened to you or b) the best opportunity that has come your way to date.

So what is the positive spin on something that is making you unhappy right now?

I struggled with this at first but I realized that a shift in perspective is indeed life changing. Since I am particularly talented at being hard on myself, I had a lot of material to work with

But I can attest to this truth - the more you rephrase your thoughts in the form of its Positive Spin, the easier it gets to see things in your favor.

I strongly recommend Tim’s e-book Know Yourself, Change Yourself because a lot of the very valuable work he has done with me can be found in it.

In closing, I must say that it’s an eye-opening experience … talking with someone whose focus is to help you shift your perspective from the negatives that plague you into the positives in the possibilities that life has in store for you. I also felt a strong sense of validation when, in speaking to Tim, I realized that I am not the only soul in the world going through certain things - no matter how much it seems that I am. That’s helpful because you then know that you can indeed pull yourself out of the rut that you feel stuck in. You know - for a fact - that people do it all the time. The thing is a good Life Coach can give you the right tools but it really is up to you to utilize them. You can read this blog post and have it go over your head or you can take a stab at it and try the advice that Tim has shared with me.

Your perspective IS the world of difference.

It’s how you get unstuck.

Photos by: Kent Barrett and eastling.

I am the fortunate recipient of 6 free sessions with life coach Tim Brownson, author of the book Don’t Ask Stupid Questions: There Are No Stupid Questions which was covered here. Prior to reading Tim’s book and speaking to him, I didn’t know what a life coach did exactly. My point of reference was an episode of the scandalous hit TV Series Nip/Tuck where Ava, the life coach, wrecked more havoc than help create peace of mind!

To kick off the exciting new InMyHeels Series - Life Coach, I want to share with you discoveries found during my first experience with a real life coach. Perhaps it will lend you more insight into what it is they do and how they can help you.

Exposed

Isn’t it funny how, when speaking to someone who is going to help you sort your life out, we lay it all out there? Things that someone couldn’t pay you to utter confessions to tend to come out fresh after signing the official forms (medical clearance, confidentiality, etc.) Well, maybe not everyone but I certainly did. Call it word vomit if you will but I spilled the beans on the many matters that clutter my mind with no mercy. As pumped up with positivity as I am, I have my struggles from my past that I feel prevent me from pushing forward.

Here’s where life coach Tim caught me off guard. The man had a system. Somehow, he managed to get a frighteningly accurate snapshot of my life in one hour. With direct questions that managed to make me squirm (didn’t know THAT was coming up), he was able to pinpoint my biggest issues with stunning accuracy. Stunning to me because, like just about everyone else, I was convinced I was the sole existing being on the planet with the issues/fears that I had (and how dare I!). Talk about exposed!

It was an incorrect assumption of mine that this would be a neat how-do-you-do. A walk in the park where Tim would explain to me exactly how to make my life awesome and I would follow his instructions into personal development stardom. Wrong. Life is messy. Habits tend to stick. Learning how to change the things you want to change doesn’t come in the form of easy how-to’s sticky-taped over the matters at hand. It requires a commitment to honesty with yourself and your coach. It requires understanding that time is your best tool - no one can fix bad habits with a simple scolding and most importantly, as a Life Coach - Tim certainly wasn’t going to try to. He informed me that isn’t how he worked. Rather, he was going to get ME to do the work of finding out what was right for ME by questioning me into realization.

Oops. Surprise!

Questions for Answers

How does someone successfully question you into realizing things about yourself that you’ve undoubtedly lived with your entire life?

It’s a game of perspective and a truly powerful, life changing one. I easily understood the value of a life coach’s role when he asked me questions like “What would it take to take your satisfaction with your diet (on a scale of 1-10) to a 10″. I couldn’t answer him and here’s why. It never occurred to me that certain experiences in my life, for instance my new eating habits, could ever be something I could be happy with.

Isn’t suffering through certain things (like eating if you’re trying to be cute) a fact of life?

Since when? Why does it have to be?

It dawned upon me that I was accepting levels of certain dissatisfaction as my norm. No wonder being happy would be an event and the drag of unhappiness or certain levels of aggravation would be the norm. The worst thing would be I scour and save life improving tips on a daily basis. I thought to myself “Shouldn’t I have known this?”

I guess it’s just different when you truly understand. Two points for Tim.

The Difference Between a Life Coach and a Therapist

Aside from the fact that life coaches have certain liberties that your therapist may not have, he is focused on helping you move forward with your life by pointing out things you may or may not know - and more importantly actually implement them into your life. It’s more than knowing you have bad habits - its helping you utilize new ways of thinking from now on to develop NEW and better habits.

A therapist cares about the same issues but often times helps you in terms of your past. The dynamic is very different - and I speak from first person experience. I have found a profound value in both approaches.

Your life coach will want to know about your past but spends more of his time pointing you to the right direction. He’s like the “What Now” guy. In fact, I noticed that Tim was careful about not working on things my therapist tends to. This works wonders since they won’t be able to clash on professional opinions.

When working with Tim, I got off the phone feeling like less of a victim of my circumstances and more of a woman with work to do. It’s so easy to get stuck in between what life is and all the stuff you hear you’re supposed to do. How do you move forward after something bad happens to you? How do you move forward when NOTHING happens to you - and that just so happens to be the problem? Well - a life coach helps you get unstuck.

It’s refreshing to speak to someone on your team (ha! The Coach! Didn’t see that coming!) that’s focused on helping you see a brighter future by tackling today - one day at a time.

This Is Based On YOUR Values

Another reason a life coach isn’t going to hand you a road map to your new life is because if this is truly YOUR new life, certain critical factors play as the compass that help you both discover which route is best for you. Your values need to be discovered (most likely you know them, you just don’t think about them) and they are brought to the forefront of your consciousness. What really matters to you? How is your life formed right now in respect to those values? If family is in your top ten yet you haven’t spoken to them within the past 3 months…

I write this in anticipation of my next session with Tim since, for homework, he had me think about my values. Merely taking part of this exercise has thrown me into certain sessions of deep thought. I’ll admit my fascination with working one on one with a life coach. InMyHeels.com is a testament to my dedication to my best life (and helping others discover theirs).

Do tell - what do you think a Life Coach does?

How do you think one can one help you?

To reach Tim Brownson for his coaching services (30 minutes free at that!) click here or check out his blog A Daring Adventure for some of the goods available to us on the web.

Stay tuned to Life Coach - The Series by subscribing to InMyHeels.com!

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