So who would’ve thunk that we would be rooting for Kevin Federline to get the kids? I mean, that’s just crazy, isn’t it? Then again, we never realized that Britney was going to turn into such a hot mess…well, that one was kind of obvious from the start. You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the honky.

The custody scrap between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline is a game with no winners - the loser will end up childless and alone, the winner will be labelled as a bad parent and the kids genetically lost out the instant they were born.

But that hasn’t stopping Britney Spears and Kevin Federline going at each other hell for leather in an attempt to show that they aren’t the shitty parent in this scenario. And now the custody battle has taken another dramatic lurch forward, with Kevin Federline’s lawyers serving Britney Spears’s friend Alli Sims - a move that forces Alli Sims to testify about all the crazy stuff that Britney Spears has allegedly done to her kids lately.

If you think you’ve got a tough job, just imagine being the judge ruling over the Britney Spears / Kevin Federline child custody rumble. On the one hand you have a man who - despite being so desperate for fame that he actually gave his shoes away with copies of his album - is most famous for being in an advert about chips; and on the other hand is Britney Spears. And, let’s face it, shaving your head and slapping your mother and displaying your vagina and calling yourself the devil and having your picture taken while covered in chicken grease and dogshit has never really been a textbook way of maintaining custody of your children, has it?

But custody relations between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline haven’t always been so frosty - although Kevin demanded custody right after Britney Spears dumped him, the pair of them jointly bashed out an acceptable custody deal earlier this year that worked fine right up until Britney Spears went mental and started beating up cars with rain-protection accessories. And now Kevin Federline means business so much that he’s served Alli Sims, a close friend of Britney Spears, so she can tell everyone how rubbish Britney Spears is at being a mother. People reports:

At 2:30 a.m. on Sunday, Britney Spears’s longtime pal, Alli Sims, was served with legal papers concerning the ongoing custody battle between Spears and her ex-husband, Kevin Federline, a source tells PEOPLE. Sims was leaving a party at a private home in the Hollywood Hills when she was served by Aaron Cohen of IMS-Security. “Alli was really shocked and covered her face,” an observer tells PEOPLE. “[She was] really distraught and said ‘Oh my God.’”⿦ The papers are a deposition subpoena sent by Federline’s lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, compelling Sims to testify about Spears’s parenting skills.

And remember that this is just the start of what promises to be an entertainingly traumatic time for everyone involved. We’re sure that Britney Spears has instructed, or will soon instruct, her lawyers to go and serve as many of Kevin Federline’s friends as they can, and everyone will be so busy serving each other and bitching about how awful the other one is at being a parent that nobody notices Sean Preston mainlining heroin in the corner or Jayden James trying to lick smoothie drips from the blades of a switched-on blender.

This must be an especially hard time for Britney Spears, who now has no husband, no manager, no real relationship with her mother and - possibly soon - no children. How Britney must long for the carefree days when she could drive about with her babies perched dangerously on her lap or let them fracture their skulls without some corn-rowed halfwit yelling about keeping them for himself.

When we’re rooting for the “corn-rowed halfwit” to get the kids, we KNOW things have deteriorated to a very alarming level.

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