Miss Venezuela may have won Miss Universe but looks likeKatie “Jordan” Price walked away with the MissVegas ShowgirlWho Wandered into aBooksigningtitle.

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Question:I’ve been told by trusted sources that Ihave agreat pair of legs and my assis pretty hot too. I guess God gave them to me to make up for the lesser qualities like my rampant narcissism. How should I show these glorious body partsoff to their best advantage? PS I hate wearing skirts and dresses.

Answer: I am delighted to play a part in encouraging your vanity. Allow me to introduce you to a wonderful, magical thing called spandex.Behold how it clings to you like a needy lover, making you feel even more sexier than you really are. From the waist down you are asimpressive as a pair of freshly shined shoes! You can do no better in showcasing your perfect proportions, except maybe with body paint but that can’t be as easily removed with a bucket of talcum powder.

And if your top half isn’t too bad as well, why not spandex it all?Oh what the heck - spandex it all, I say and damn the consequences!

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Sure, I would have gone in a different direction with the outfits but I’ve loved Mandy Moore ever since she assaulted Jena Malone with a Bible and although the lei and the Hawaiian shirt is just a tad too literal for my tastes, frankly it’s just nice to see Mary Kate trying a little color.

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From Khloe Kardashian to Lauren Conrad to Michelle Kwan, this dress has been trotted out more times than a trophy wife at a fancy business dinner. Isn’t it about time we pulled it from red carpet duty and sent the damn thing off to be drycleaned?

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