Madonna’s a busy lady, what with her old lady crotch about to go on a world tour and all.
And that means that nobody’s allowed to mess Madonna around. Nobody, that is, except the Malawi High Courts. Today was the day when Madonna was supposed to discover whether or not she’d gained permanent custody of David Banda, her adopted Malawian son.
But it didn’t happen - the court has delayed its final ruling until next week. That’s not ideal for Madonna, but it’s even worse for David Banda, who outgrew his tiny soiled lightless holding pen that Madonna keeps him in about 15 months ago and just wants to eat something other than hay.
Since Madonna has a new album out and a world tour about to commence, you’d expect to see Professional Madonna out and about - you know, the age-defying pop icon with the bulging arms and the escapologist vagina.
But because the final ruling over her adoption of David Banda is due now, Professional Madonna has to keep transforming into Caring Mother Earth Madonna now and again - you know, the middle-aged woman with the veiny arms and the vagina that’s kept tucked neatly under her bed for special occasions.
And it’s the latter who’s on the loose at the moment, because we’re getting to the time when we’ll discover if David Banda - the little semi-orphan that Madonna adopted from Malawi in 2006 to great controversy - gets to stay with Madonna forever or if he’ll have to fly back to Malawi again and live the rest of his short life as a kind of social pariah because he once lived in the house of the woman who’s come to be known locally as Claw-Faced Vagina Lady.
In fact, we were supposed to know the outcome of Madonna’s adoption process today, but thanks to the Malawi High Court’s decision to postpone its decision, we’ll have to wait until next week. BBC News reports:
A court in Malawi has delayed its final decision on whether Madonna can have permanent custody of a three-year-old boy until next week. The pop star began adoption proceedings for David Banda in October 2006. A social worker from Malawi has already recommended that the pop star be able to keep the child in London. Simon Chisale said the singer and husband Guy Ritchie had “shown a strong commitment in providing the infant with all essential needs”.
Simon Chisale does have a point there - David Banda hasn’t gone wanting for anything since he’s been under Madonna’s care. Kabbalah bracelets, macrobiotic grains, secondhand obscene leotards, crates of unsold Swept Away DVDs - whatever David Banda wants he gets, so long as it’s in that list of stuff we just gave you.
The social worker’s endorsement of Madonna will go a long way to making sure that she’s allowed to look after David Banda forever, but the questions about whether or not international adoption laws were bent while acquiring him will remain.
Let’s just hope that the Malawi court makes its decision quickly, because then Madonna can continue with her plan to divorce Guy Ritchie as soon as possible. We don’t know if that is her plan, by the way, but we assume it is. He is Guy Ritchie, after all.
Can it really be that time of year again? The ‘feel sorry for Anne Heche but not really’ time of year?
It must be, because Anne Heche is moping around court because her TV show got cancelled and now she can’t even pay her child support bills.
Seriously, is this how bad the credit crunch has got? It’s scary to think that not even a famous actress like Anne Heche can pay for the upbringing of her children because the measly $65,000 she gets for each of her tiny movie roles won’t cover the cost of keeping her two international homes, her cars and all her other various expenses. Maybe we should stage a telethon for her.
Remember that TV show Men In Trees? No, us neither. Shame it wasn’t better, really, because if it was then maybe Anne Heche wouldn’t have had to go to court just now and whine about being so poor.
You’ll know Anne Heche, of course, as the woman who regularly does things that make you feel a little bit sorry for her until you realise that actually she’s being a dick. And the terrible Psycho remake, probably. Last year Anne Heche made the news for losing custody of her child to her ex-husbandColey Laffoon. Sad, but only until you realise that her main argument for keeping custody was that her ex-husband wanked and played ping-pong a lot.
It’s a pattern that stretches way back, past the time that Anne Heche started a lesbian affair with Ellen DeGeneres and then broke it off so she could tour around America telling everyone how God had cured her of her homosexuality all the way back to when she invented the alter ego of hers who could talk to aliens. You know, the one who was Jesus’ half-sister.
Anyway, it’s time for the cycle to come around again, because Anne Heche has gone to court claiming that she can’t pay her child support bills because she’s been a tragic out of work actress since Men In Trees got cancelled. E! Online reports:
“Since January 18, 2008, I have been unemployed and had no income from unemployment except for one very short term contract for a movie role for which I received a total of $65,000, approximately the amount I received for one episode of Men in Trees [which has not been renewed for a third season],” Heche’s filing states. Among the expenditures listed are private school tuition for Homer, rent for her L.A. residence, the mortgage on her Vancouver abode and miscellaneous auto and personal expenses. Heche says the $240,000 she received in January from the sale of her and Laffoon’s Hollywood home is already long gone.
Anne Heche got paid $65,000 an episode for Men In Trees? Yeah, we remember that time we got paid a total of $2,275,000 just for going to work 38 times as well. We barely know how we managed to get by. We literally had to dig through other people’s rubbish because our servants kept serving us our whole roast suckling pig on cold plates. Cold plates! What did they think we were? Animals?
Anyway, you’ll be pleased to know that the court granted Anne Heche’s wish to suspend her child support payments for the month of July, potentially putting their son’s private school tuition in danger. That might be a good thing, though - after all, the less educated he is, the longer it’ll take him to realise that his mother seems to be a Curly Wurly short of the full selection pack.
Dolly Parton has said plenty in the past, but never anything about Kenny Rogers’ beard smelling like boy cum.
However, anyone listening to Howard Stern’s radio show last week might have got that impression. Last Tuesday Howard Stern broadcast clips from Dolly Parton’s newest audiobook, chopped up to make Dolly say all kinds of obscene things - with the line about Kenny Rogers beard probably ranking among the least offensive.
But when Dolly Parton heard about this, she was so appalled that she wrote a lengthy angry statement on her website about exactly how offended she was. Which meant that we could go onto YouTube, find a copy of Stern’s bit and publish it for you lot after the jump. We’d have never known it existed otherwise, so thanks Dolly!
Dolly Parton doesn’t deserve any ill will from anyone. She’s helping children in crap British towns learn to read, she recently suffered from tit-related back pain and she starred in the movie Steel Magnolias. OK, so maybe Dolly Parton does deserve a little bit of ill will for that, actually.
But ill will to the extent where voice clips of her are edited to say “One night I lifted Burt Reynolds’ nuts and ate his gross filthy shitbox”? Dolly Parton doesn’t seem to think so.
You see, last Tuesday Howard Stern - still reeling from the time his violent friend went mental and resigned on air - broadcast some smartly-edited clips from Dolly Parton’s new audiobook that made her say, well look, it made her say this. Be warned that the video below is thoroughly offensive and shouldn’t be listened to by anyone with ears…
Hey, it’s just like a really rubbish version of Cassetteboy! And, despite being very obviously fake - even by Howard Stern’s own admission - it hasn’t stopped Dolly Parton explaining at length that she’s never even put her mouth anywhere near Burt Reynolds’ shitbox. Dolly wrote:
“I have never been so shocked, hurt and humiliated in all my life. I cannot believe what Howard Stern has done to me. In a blue million years, I would never have such vulgar things come out of my mouth. They have done editing or some sort of trickery to make this horrible, horrible thing. Please accept my apology for them and certainly know I had nothing to do with this. If there was ever going to be a lawsuit, it’s going to be over this. Just wanted you to know that I am completely devastated by this.”
Obviously we can see Dolly Parton’s point - as a country and western artist she knows her fans aren’t the shiniest buttons in the box, and some of them probably believed that Dolly Parton really was spouting off all those obscenities in her book.
That’s why she’s had to explain the concept of editing to them, much as she did with the title of her early album This Is Just A Recording So Stop Pulling Your Radio Apart Trying To Find Me, You Clueless Bloody Hicks.
Though they’ll never admit it, every single girl on Earth gets bitterly jealous when their sister gets married.
Except, of course, for Jessica Simpson. Cut Jessica Simpson open and nothing but white beams of joy shoot out of her veins. So, even though Jessica Simpson’s sister Ashlee is due to get married the day after tomorrow, Jessica Simpson has nothing to be angry or bitter or jealous about.
Except that Jessica Simpson’s boyfriend Tony Romo has probably just dumped her and she’ll have to go to the wedding alone and spend a day constantly surrounded by millions of glaring reminders that plenty of people are capable of having successful relationships and she isn’t one of them. Chances are she’s pretty gnawed up about that, to be fair.
Jessica Simpson has weathered a few rough years in the love department recently. Ever since she split up with Nick Lachey she hasn’t been with anyone long enough to convince them to exploit their relationship for monetary gain by whoring themselves out to the first music channel reality show that comes knocking. And isn’t that what true love really is?
However, that all possibly changed when Jessica Simpson met Tony Romo. He was probably the most physically fit man she’d ever met and, as a sports star, he was used to being around oddly-coloured people with hulking lantern jaws so her appearance didn’t freak him out too much.
They were perfect for each other - Tony Romo’s prominence on the sports scene gave Jessica Simpson a profile she hadn’t enjoyed in years, and in return she naused up his season something horrible. Why, we wouldn’t be surprised if Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo stayed together forever.
What’s that? Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson have split up? Oh, OK, forget that last bit. It’s not like we actually meant it. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:
Despite Simpson’s denials, insiders insist the couple has separated, and Dallas Cowboys star Romo has been telling his pals he’s no longer dating the singer… And the rumors of a split have swelled after Romo was spotted partying with a bevy of beauties at a Chicago bar this weekend, while Simpson was working in Los Angeles. One insider at the party tells Life & Style magazine, “He was surrounded by girls. We had to restrain someone who forcibly tried to make her way to his table … He zeroed in on one blond all night, and that blond wasn’t Jessica Simpson.”
If these split stories are true, then that’s bad enough as it is. But what makes it worse is that Jessica’s sister Ashlee Simpson is getting married on Saturday, which basically means that Jessica’s in for a day of being stared at pitifully by elderly relatives and asked if she’s got any plans to get married again non-stop by people she barely recognises who’ll make quiet disappointed noises when she doesn’t catch the bouquet at the end.
But let’s be positive here - if Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo really have split up, then what’s stopping Jessica from making a new reality TV show about her adventures in looking for a new boyfriend. After all, not only will it help her find love again but we all know that Jessica Simpson will shrivel up and die if an MTV camera crew isn’t chronicling her every last sodding move.
And if Jessica Simpson needs some physical affection before then, there’s always her father. he really does love Jessica Simpson’s boobs, you know.
As Jeremy Thomas, Tom Green, Jane Pratt, Fabrizio Moretti & the people in charge of food on the set of Music & Lyrics might tell you, Drew Barrymore’s bad side is not a place you want to be.
Justin Long might tell you that too, but give him a week or so. And why don’t you want to incur her anger? because if you do she’ll chase you down, pounce on your right shoulder and suck your heart out through a hole she bites in the back of your neck.
That was actually a recurring dream we had for most of the sixth grade. We still can’t watch her films without trembling. Another person who will probably never be able to stand the sight of her again (especially enlarged like that on the silver screen), is the guy that just made her the victim of a hit and run.
He didn’t get away. She chased him in her car at speeds in excess of 35 mph.
Hey - we’re serious here.
When Drew Barrymore is out for a drive, she likes to do so with whimsical music seeping out her car speakers while sniffing the wig she once put on ET. It smells cinnamony we bet.
That’s not a fact mind you - but if we were her then 90% of the things we ever did would revolve around props from that set. For instance our living-room chairs would all be bike baskets. We have all this planned in case we’re ever trapped in a situation extremely close to the plot of Oh, God! You Devil. You never know.
What Barrymore doesn’t like when she’s out driving is four tons of steel getting violently rammed up her rear end. Of her car. That happened recently - she was out driving when karma finally caught up to her for stealing Tom Green’s good testicle. Give that back and maybe your car will be magically repaired, Drew.
But the actress prefers to rely on her insurance company rather than fate, so when a car rammed her from behind, she sped after it with the most violent of intentions. And by that we mean she wanted to write down the offender’s license plate number - in blood! We mean in ink!
TMZ, please inform:
“Drew Barrymore was the victim of a hit and run yesterday — but she may have gotten enough info so cops can catch the guy…Barrymore was driving in West Hollywood just before noon yesterday when she was rear-ended… Barrymore followed the driver after he fled the scene, but eventually lost track of the car. Never fear, though, law enforcement sources tell TMZ she got the license plate number of the car and they are investigating.”
Witnesses tell us that if Barrymore took her car off any wicked awesome jumps in the chase, and maybe landed her car right on top of the other guy’s vehicle pinning him between her two driver’s side tires, nobody saw it.
But that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
Read More:
