Dear Mr. and Mrs. Cyrus:
Have you lost your f***ing minds? First the topless thing, and now this. Your lack of judgment is lousing up your daughter's career. It's hard enough for a young lady to make the transition from child prodigy to adult star without falling in with a bad group (Hello, Lohan?) or developing substance abuse issues when the transition doesn't go smoothly (Paging Lohan!). To let your daughter appear like this is to court adverse publicity. Hef was right; Miley is going to grow up to be a stunningly beautiful girl. She's obviously on the cusp of womanhood, based on all those MySpace photos. Don't let her become a delusioned starlet who faints from lack of food or some other mysterious ailment.

Your daughter is at a dangerous crossroads. If you listen to the folks at the Kingdom, she'll be hog wild in a year or two. Something about that mouse brings out the sex-crazed nymph in the nicest girls. Maybe his high-pitched voice turns them on somehow. Oh, and one more thing: When she goes for a photo shoot, stay with her. It will keep her from being taken advantage of. Again. Protect her from those who would exploit her in all her innocence, before she loses it forever.
Signed,
Another Mommy

Where's the pillow?You might want to ask your children to leave the room. What we're about to discuss is no laughing matter. OK, yes it is, but I don't want to make light of the fact that the practice to be discussed is a dangerous one. Don't believe me? Ask Michael Hutchence. Oh, wait. Never mind; he's dead.

This is a blind item from my buddy EL over at Crazy Days and Nights: "I didn't know she had it in her, and I'm still trying to figure out where she learned it ... So, this breakup that you have been hearing about in the past couple of days? You know the big one. Anyway, from what I have been told, the reason they broke up is because she was too kinky for him. Her? I know. Unbelievable. What I guess finally drove him away was the fact that she is a big fan of erotic asphyxiation. She loves having it done to her to the point of passing out. He tried it once. Freaked him out, so he left because she wanted it most of the time. What I can't figure out is who taught it to her? I doubt she reads so someone must have done it with her."

First of all, it's very believable. This is the girl who used an alternate entry point to preserve her virginity before marriage, who rubbed her boyfriend's crotch while he made out with another man.

Wants to settle downAnd you thought she was a one-trick pony (SJP, not Meredith). With that 1-800-Flowers centerpiece she had staple-gunned to her head for the London premiere of SATC she had to know that others equally starved for attention would imitate her style. Meredith knew. She tried to warn us. We didn't listen.

It's not just the horses who are falling prey to the stupid headdress. It's also the wonky-eyed emu who is helpless to resist stupid new trends - remember Wonky and Blohan wearing the finger gloves last year? Was that to keep their coke nail clean?

Wonky may have had an additional ulterior motive in her costume selection: Her ensemble does have a matrimonial vibe to it, does it not? Could the careless heiress be trying to drop a few hints on Benji? It would be ironic if she gets him to the altar before Joel and Nicole do. Somehow I don't think it will happen, though. She'll probably do something somehow to blow everything up, just like she always does.

Blake and PennAs everyone in America predicted, including blind people. it turns out Blake Lively and Penn Badgley are an item. People.com managed to catch the attractive pair canoodling up the wazoo in Cancun on a short retreat. They tried to tell us they weren't dating but we figured they were lying when they were spotted by hundreds of people making out in clubs. Blake, in her very fast climb to stardom, has decided that she is an extremely private person and people shouldn't be interested in her life just because she is on the show of the moment. She often gets very snappy with reporters if they ask her anything at all and actually questioned the classiness of New York Magazine (how dare she! That magazine is my mecca.) Well I guess they caught you B. Cancun isn't exactly the most private place on earth.

Oh GodThis is just one of the saddest displays of human behavior I have ever seen. If they were trying to be funny it would be funny but we know that neither of them is smart enough to understand humor. And now we know that they consider themselves actors (and I believe they said they were better than most actors) you can see that in this photograph. I am guessing they took the class "Emoting 101." Though they also seem to be pantomiming even though they have real things. Ugh. They should be put on one of those polygamist cults.