Goop’s Ridiculous Holiday Gift Guide Is A Joke, Right?

Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website, Goop, is known for its ridiculous product recommendations. From the controversial va-jay-jay eggs to a candle that purportedly smells like Paltrow’s vagina (I can’t make this up), the actress-turned-wellness-guru touts some pretty wacky stuff, most of which is usually stupid expensive and completely unnecessary. Of course, her gift guides are no different. 

This year, the categories include a wellness gift guide, cook's gift guide, traveler’s gift guide (okay, it really feels like she's trolling us with this one), and lover’s gift guide, among others, and it all adds up to nearly $300,000 worth of merchandise. “For 2020, we kept the personality-forward format that the OGs love—and that newcomers (welcome!) will have an easy time navigating—while curating to meet the needs of today,” the website reads. 

Apparently, these needs include a robot that carries your things, a lamp made out of literal bread, and a “willy cloning kit.” No joke. Oh, and did I mention an entire house made the list? While the editors at Goop admit some of these products are, in fact, ridiculous, the wellness guru’s gift guide is unlike anything we’ve seen—and yet I can’t look away. 

Anyway, without further ado, here are the most ridiculous items in Goop’s 2020 Holiday Gift Guide. Heck, maybe you’ll finally find something for that person who has it all… because bet they don't have a perfume that smells like GP's vagina. 

The Watermelon Bag (price upon request)

A literal take on the year's “picnic prairie chic” trend, this bag is designed to carry a watermelon, and it isn't cheap. The 'price on request' leads me to believe it's going to cost, well, a lot.

Shop it here

Batard Bread Lamp ($210)

Believe it or not, this is actually a loaf bread. According to Goop, the lamp is handcrafted in Japan from bread that's been coated in resin to keep it from rotting, and it's perfect for anyone who was seriously into baking at the start of quarantine. 

Shop it here

A Cashmere Gym Ball, and Other Things ($7,770)

File this under things no one needs. The Loro Piana Fitness Set includes a $2,000 cashmere gym ball, a $675 leather jump rope, and other similar items. Practical, right? 

Shop it here.

Field Trip Leopard-Print Rolling Papers ($15)

Not not saying these are a good stocking stuffer idea. 

Shop them here.

This Smells Like My Vagina Roll-On Perfume ($45)

In case you want to walk around smelling like Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina, which is apparently akin to cedarwood, bergamot, and rose scents. I'm good. 

Shop it here

A “Robot Sidekick” ($3,200)

As described on the website, the Gita “carries your stuff so you can walk outdoors.” Allow me to make one obvious correction: *rich people's* stuff. 

Shop it here

Goop x Avocado Mattress (starting at $38,000)

Can we all just agree that this is absolutely insane? Look, we've written about the wonders of sleeping on a super expensive mattress before, but who is buying this? No, seriously, who is buying this? I want to come over and nap. 

Shop it here

Clone A Willy Dildo Cloning Kit ($50)

Arts and crafts, anyone? “This at-home kit lets the two of you make an exact, vibrating silicone replica of your partner's package,” Goop writes. That's the ultimate compliment, I guess…

Shop it here. 

Edie Parker Ouija Board ($1,995)

It's all fun and games until you get your next credit card bill. According to Goop, “this celestial ouija board makes for some fun after-dinner entertainment.” But so does the OG board game, so I'll stick with that. 

Shop it here.

Plantwave ($299)

Okay, I love my houseplants almost more than I love my spouse, but this is… coocoo. If you attach this device to a plant, the kinetic energy it creates is apparently converted to music. Did the Goop editors actually test this? I'm just curious. 

Shop it here

Tiny Living Home (starting at $99,000)

This list wouldn't be complete without the literal house that made the list. For the tiny price of $99,000, you can gift your BFF a tiny home.  

Gwyneth Paltrow is currently sitting in her mansion and laughing at us right now. Change my mind.

Shop it here

Check out the complete Goop 2020 Holiday Gift Guide here. I'll admit, not without an eye roll first, that some of the stuff is pretty cool. 

You might also like: Oprah's Favorite Things Of 2020 Are Here!

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