Signs Your Situationship Isn't Going Anywhere Serious
If you're not looking for a relationship, then a situationship is a good 'ship to have. It's fun and laidback, and as long as everyone is on the same page, it's the perfect, er, situation. It is, in many ways, like having your cake and eating it too.
"People who tend to gravitate towards situationships are those who want the emotional connection and intimacy with a partner in a compartmentalized way," psychologist Dr. Sabrina Romanoff tells Men's Health. "They may have emotional presence and connection in person, but when apart, they also have freedom outside of a committed relationship."
But while situationships can be really great, they can get complicated if you catch feelings. Then what was easy and carefree has you climbing up the walls wondering where the other person is, what they're doing, and if they're thinking about you. The problem is, as much as we may think we can have something casual, sometimes we just can't, or, even worse, one day we realize the ambiguity of our situationship is driving us nuts. "Relationships that are not committed may create a great deal of anxiety and uncertainty for those in them," former sociologist for Tinder and Bumble Jess Carbino, Ph.D., tells Women's Health.
While there's no guarantee a situationship can't evolve into something more, the problem arises when you want it to, but your pseudo-partner wants to keep things as they are. If that's the case, then you need to decide if you want to be a masochist and stick around or do what's right for your heart and leave. But before you make any big decisions, here are the signs that your situationship isn't going anywhere serious.
It's mostly about hooking up
As much as it might hurt to realize this, if the only time you hear from your situationship is after 10 at night, or even later on the weekends, and all you ever do together is have sex, it's safe to assume things won't be evolving and you're just their booty call. In addition to feeling like a perpetual booty call, even the physical act of sex feels like it's lacking.
"A healthy sexual relationship involves two people communicating their needs and listening to each other," matchmaker Michal Naisteter tells Bustle. "If someone is not making you feel seen and heard, it shows that they probably aren't interested in your pleasure as well ... A sign that they aren't serious is whether or not they attend to your needs. When you have a rough day, a good partner should take the time to listen and support you."
Granted, if you're fine with just having mediocre sex, then that's great! But, sadly, if someone is only in a situationship with you and not in it for the long haul, their caring for you likely doesn't extend past the bedroom — if it exists in the bedroom at all.
You're not a part of their present or future
If you've ever really been into someone, then you know that feeling that comes with wanting to introduce them to everyone in your life. But, if you're seeing someone and they haven't introduced you to anyone in their life or even hinted at the possibility of that happening, then you know something is up.
"[If someone isn't serious, they] take pains to avoid having you meet [their] family and friends, and even [their] pets," matchmaker and dating coach Karenna Alexander tells Elite Daily. "When [someone] likes you, [they] want you to meet the people [they're] close to ... and moving things along. When [someone] avoids these things, it's crystal clear that 'a future' is not on [their] mind."
Although there's no "right" time to introduce a partner to friends and family, as each relationship is different, if months and months have passed and there's been no mention of meeting anyone in their life, then you have your answer for you.
"Making future plans is a healthy ingredient for a growing relationship," sex coach Amy Levine tells Today. "It's also an indicator of the commitment you have to each other." Situationships don't involve commitment, so trying to will one into existence is going to give you a migraine.
There's more drama than there should be
Although arguing in a relationship is 100% normal — as long as you take the high road and keep it productive and healthy — where there's ambiguity, there's a different type of arguing that's anything but healthy.
"More often than not, there are inconsistent views between the individuals in a situationship — both in terms of the relationship and the other person," Jess Carbino, Ph.D., tells Women's Health. "This may lead to a great deal of conflict, resentment, and anxiety for both individuals, but primarily for the individual who is not pleased that the situationship has not progressed."
Resentment toward someone you care for can feel like poison in the brain, especially since, in a situationship, the resentment is stemming from something that you initially agreed to. So instead of healthy arguing, as there would be in a relationship, there's anger, pain, and vicious jealousy. Basically, it's the perfect recipe for a sequel to Shakespeare's "Titus Andronicus," but with a higher body count.
They're not interested in learning about you
When we really like someone, we instinctively want to know as much as we can about them. From their favorite food to their favorite color to the thing they fear and love most, this is the stuff we want to know. But if your situationship never asks you about yourself and makes zero attempts to get to know you on a level that's deeper than sex and a superficial connection, then that's a dead giveaway.
"Showing interest itself is a big sign of romantic interest," founder of Dating Transformation and a dating coach with The League Connell Barret tells Elite Daily. It can feel frustrating to constantly tell someone about yourself because they never ask you anything, but if your situationship either isn't ready or has zero intention of making it serious, ever, then you either accept it or leave. Some people accept the parameters of situationships far longer than they should, but that's okay. When it comes to 'ships, people move at the pace that's most comfortable for them.
They've told you that they don't want anything serious
As much as art is wonderful for tickling our brains with ideas, sometimes, especially when it comes to love-related things, art messes with us. Meaning that if you're in a situationship with someone who has actually told you that they don't want anything serious, because we tend to overdose on too many rom-coms, you may not hear them. Or, even more tragic, you may not believe them because it's easier to believe the ending to "When Harry Met Sally."
"While everyone wants to be the special person that shows them commitment is worth having, that's more for the movies than real life," licensed marriage and family therapist Theresa Herring, LMFT, tells Insider. "So, if you're looking for a fling, go ahead and have fun. But, if you're looking for something serious, run in the other direction before you get your heart broken."
If you're in a situationship and hoping for it to become serious, you ultimately have two choices: stick it out and hope, or talk to the person with whom you're seeing. Of course, if they've already told you that all they can give you is a situationship, then you can't keep knocking on that door, but if the conversation has never been brought up and things are pretty grey, it doesn't hurt to talk about it. It's a risky move, but healthier than sitting around and hoping, as if you're Meg Ryan in her New Year's Eve best.