Why You May Need Constant Reassurance In Your Relationship
Even in our most intimate, trusted relationships, the occasional feelings of doubt or insecurity are somewhat normal. We can wonder about our partner's quiet mood, second-guess a past interaction, or text just to check in and confirm all is well on the relationship front. We all need validation, compliments, affection, and reassurance. But sometimes, this need can shift from healthy and regular to constant and obsessive –- which isn't an enjoyable experience for either party involved (via Learning Mind).
Before we can treat a constant need for reassurance in a relationship, it's key to understand where it's stemming from, which could take a bit of detective work. But no one's fated to forever live in this state of anxiety, which can at times feel all-encompassing and impossible to break free from. With proactive steps to promote healing and overall wellness, the need can be stabilized over time. Let's take a close look at the why behind the need for constant reassurance.
Attachment style
You may have heard the buzz around attachment styles recently in the mental health and wellness communities. There are four attachment styles: secure, avoidant, anxious, and anxious-avoidant (via The Chelsea Psychology Clinic). These styles typically develop as a reflection of our early relationships with caregivers as children. Those who have anxious attachment styles tend to need the most reassurance in relationships.
Having a parent who was unavailable, or inconsistently available, can cause distrust in children and lead to an anxious attachment style in adults. They may have an abandonment wound due to this inconsistent attention. It could also be a result of loss or divorce experienced in childhood, causing the individual to seek out reassurance from their partner that they aren't planning on leaving them or ending the relationship (via Learning Mind). While it can feel daunting to heal an anxious attachment wound, it is very much doable. Self-love and reassurance, conscious communication, and therapy can all work wonders.
Relationship obsessive compulsive disorder
Most have heard of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), but some may not be aware of the subtypes when it comes to OCD, and relationship OCD (rOCD) is one of them. In order to soothe the obsession and ease the anxiety, those with OCD are swept into ritualistic behaviors. In the case of rOCD, an individual experiences the obsessive-compulsive cycle in the form of relationship insecurities. The anxieties and intrusive thoughts take over. Someone with rOCD may need constant reassurance that their partner is being faithful, still loves them, finds them attractive, and isn't planning to break up with them (via nocd).
They may also avoid emotional intimacy so as to not get hurt, testing their partner to see if they truly are in love, constantly compare their union with other relationships, and even end the relationship out of fear (via The Gateway Institute). This disorder can be treated with Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy and Mindfulness-Based Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy.
Previous betrayal
It is understandably a huge challenge to trust again after a betrayal. Whether an individual was betrayed by a past or current partner, the wound can run deep and as we all know, healing is not linear. Hypervigilance is a common product of betrayal and living in this state of heightened concern is a stressful experience. Constantly being on edge, experiencing intrusive thoughts, replaying the past, and combating the possibility of the event occurring again in the future is more than enough for anyone to need constant reassurance in a relationship (via Learning Mind).
In order to support someone who has experienced a painful betrayal, a certain degree of relationship reassurance is naturally needed. Practicing active listening and having patience during the healing period are important measures to support someone who is learning to trust again. If you can give reassurance and love without being prompted, the trust should be built up more sturdily and steadily (via marriage).
Differing love languages
There's been a lot of buzz about love languages in recent years and the knowledge of both your own and your partner's love language can really be a game changer. The five love languages are physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and gift-giving (via Healthline). This knowledge can also shine a light on some communication lapses. If your partner's love language is acts of service and yours is physical touch, there could be some misfires when it comes to showing affection and appreciation for one another.
It's natural for us all to show love the way we'd like to be loved. But this doesn't always get the point across. If your partner cleans your car for you, you're likely super appreciative and grateful. However, if snuggling on the couch is what makes you truly feel loved and reassures you that all is well in the relationship, then the clean car isn't really delivering that message (via Up Journey).
A disconnect from the self
They say a healthy relationship is two wholes coming together and while there's likely a lot of truth to that, it's also extremely natural to need human connection and co-regulate with a trusted partner. However, if an individual does not have a strong inner anchor to the self and their identity, then it's likely they may need constant reassurance in their relationships and become codependent in not-so-healthy ways (via Up Journey). This could stem from trauma, codependent parent-child relationships, or jumping from relationship to relationship without time to explore the self alone.
Remedying this lack of connection with the self is definitely achievable. Journaling, taking yourself out solo, meditation, self-care, and positive affirmations can all reconnect the mind and spirit (via Learning Mind). If you can practice reassuring yourself that you are loved, worthy, valuable, and safe, it can actually go a lot further than external validation from your partner. We can be reassured endlessly, but unless we believe it ourselves, that potential for ease and confidence will lie stagnant.