Tips For Curbing Wedding Arguments With Your Partner
Getting hitched is exciting stuff. When someone proposes and the other accepts, you're basically both saying you're ready to sign up for forever, you're willing to put up with each other's quirks and hang-ups for the long run, and you want to build a life together. To sign up for such a commitment is huge and not something that should be entered into lightly.
But before you can get the marriage underway, there's the wedding day. Whether it's 20 of your closest friends and family or 200 people — some of which you invite out of sheer obligation — every wedding involves a lot of planning and preparation. And because there are two of you getting married, it's not as though one person is going to do all this organizing and budgeting solo. It's going to take both partners, and it's going to include some arguments, big and small.
Arguing about one's upcoming wedding is practically inevitable. Even the most copacetic couples can't get through wedding planning without some disagreements or bickering like the old couple they'll eventually become. Because wedding-related arguing is pretty much unavoidable, it's important to rein in a lot of that negative energy that will be spent on arguing. You want to be able to make it to the wedding day, after all, don't you?
If you and your partner have been at each other's throats throughout your wedding planning process, here are some tips for curbing those arguments.
Listen to yourself
When we get fired up, we say and do a lot of things without really thinking about it. We can fly off the handle and say things that are rude or straight-up offensive, even if offending is the furthest from our intention. While we may not want to hurt our partner, as it gets closer to the wedding and more and more decisions have to be made on a deadline, stress and anger can pile up. Every time a disagreement arises, do yourself — and your partner — a favor and listen to your words. Are you clearly stating what you want to say, or are you just coming out with mean, passive-aggressive responses? Are you using "I" statements, or are you using "you" statements in an accusatory way?
You can't expect any argument to be productive and reach a resolution if you're not doing your best to communicate what you want and need — and doing it in a way that doesn't insult your partner.
Listen to your partner
Your wedding day isn't just about you; it's about two people celebrating their love and throwing the party of their lifetimes. Because this is a two-person event, you can't make it all about you and what you want — no matter how strongly you might feel about certain decisions. You need to actively listen to your partner. Actively listening means being fully present, hearing everything that's being said, then responding in a way that shows you care and you're engaged in your partner's concerns and thoughts.
"[Active listening] involves stepping into someone else's story, taking out your own judgments and opinions, and really listening to what is being said," physician assistant and board-certified life coach Susan Whitman told Good Housekeeping. "A great active listener hears not only the words that are being said but the underlying story behind the words."
A lot of time, energy, and money goes into a wedding. Each partner should be heard in the process — and know they're being heard free of judgment.
Don't get defensive
One of the worst things that anyone can do when arguing is to get defensive. When people get defensive, they effectively go into stonewall mode and immediately become uncooperative. Your partner would like to make changes to the menu that you curated or discuss adding another flower to the centerpieces? Let them talk about it instead of getting defensive. Just because your partner has their own ideas and opinions about the wedding doesn't mean that they're insulting your taste in things or dismissing the work you've put into the planning so far. Your partner just wants to add their two cents to the wedding conversation because it's their wedding too.
People tend to forget that weddings have a lot of compromises involved. Not everyone you know can be invited, and not everything can be exactly how you want it. There needs to be a give and take, and getting defensive about anything to do with the wedding is counterproductive to the process.
Examine if there's another reason for the fight
Sometimes, wedding-related arguments aren't really about whether Uncle Eddie will be invited to the ceremony or if the cheese plate should include Roquefort or bleu de chèvre. Sometimes it's about something deeper, like finances or overall stress. In fact, you might find that your budget and money may be at the heart of most fights you have.
According to a 2022 survey by YouGov, 28% of couples cite money as the biggest reason they argue. Now toss in the painful reality that the average wedding in the U.S. costs about $30,000, an amount that could be even more if you're planning on getting married in a city like New York or San Francisco. If money is already an issue for you and your partner, you better believe it's going to become even more of a problem and an even greater source of disagreements throughout your wedding planning.
Since there is a good chance that your arguments may be related to something other than Uncle Eddie and blue cheese, take the time with your partner to uncover the real reason for the quarreling. When you can nail down the actual cause — money or otherwise — then you can work on a resolution for that before going back to arguing about all the other things that wedding planning involves.
Choose your battleground
People don't always realize that where and when you argue makes a big difference. For example, arguing in the bedroom is never a good idea because many people see that as their sanctuary, and bringing up issues there is injecting the safe space with negativity. So instead of letting your bedroom become a place of toxic wedding-related battles, take it to the kitchen or dining room table. Not unlike a boardroom with a table, you can hash out your disagreements across from each other in a somewhat professional and rational way.
Not only is where you argue important, but so is when you argue. Various research has found that people are more likely to pick fights when they're hungry or stressed out from external sources. With that in mind, choose a time to argue when both you and your partner aren't dealing with hangry issues and when one or both of you aren't overly stressed out with work or family-related drama.
Weddings bring their own brand of stress to the equation, so if you decide in advance on a time and place where you'll go over wedding concerns and opinions, not only will you both be in the right headspace, but you can show up prepared. As you plan your wedding, you'll find that lists are essential — especially when it comes to debating wedding day particulars with your partner.
Realize there's no winning
If you go into any argument with anyone trying to win, you won't. For starters, there is no "winning" when it comes to disagreements with people, especially partners — getting your way might very well damage your relationship as a team. Secondly, you shouldn't even want to "win." You should want to be understood, heard, and have your opinions be taken into consideration so a resolution can be attained.
"The biggest problem with trying to resolve conflict is trying to 'win,'" marriage coach Lesli Doares told Bustle. "If you are winning, your partner has to be losing. This dynamic is never good for the relationship. The best thing is to try and find a solution that works for both of you and the relationship ... Most arguments are about maintaining what's comfortable for you, not an absolute 'right.'"
Although no one can say it doesn't feel good to be proven right, it doesn't bode well for your relationship or all the planning you have on your plate. When people think they've won, they can get cocky and arrogant. A partnership is two partners working together to reach the best conclusion for every situation — it's not about being against each other. You both want your wedding day to be great, if not near-perfect, so work jointly to make that happen.
Be respectful
Respect is one of the most important components of any relationship. Without respect, you don't really have much of anything. Respecting each other is what holds a partnership together, even on days when your arguing is off the charts. As long as you can walk away from an argument, whether it's been resolved yet or not, still respecting your partner and them respecting you, that's what's essential. If you lose respect along the way, it won't matter what wedding plans you make — because you may not even make it down the aisle.
Without a doubt, you and your partner will find something to argue about while planning your wedding. You might yell or make empty threats, or someone will storm out of the room and slam the door behind them — it just comes with wedding planning territory where emotions are high and the consequences of every choice seem significant. As long as you know what you're getting into and don't let everything feel like it's the end of the world, you'll be able to get through it. With active listening, respect, and love on your side, you'll eventually make it to your wedding day — and your relationship just might be better for the growth you have during your planning journey.