The Subconscious Communication Habit That Can Wear Down Your Relationships
Ask any romance expert, and they'll probably tell you that communication is a cornerstone of successful relationships. Still, the truth hurts, and no one enjoys hearing statements like "We need to talk." Tough conversations are hard to face, even if they'd help your relationship in the long run. Sometimes, it's impossible just to get these talks off the ground, leading to an endless cycle of avoidance and bad relationship habits.
Are you stuck in a similar rut? If you and your significant other can never find the right time to tackle obstacles in your relationship, it may be because one or both of you are struggling with a counterproductive approach to communication called a "don't hurt me" response. This knee-jerk reaction is used to avoid uncomfortable situations like serious relationship talks.
But while big talks can be scary and even painful, they're necessary evils. Assuming that talking will make things worse is actually one of the signs that you and your partner have poor communication — a relationship-killing misalignment that needs to be fixed pronto. Unfortunately, "don't hurt me" responses can get in the way of any progress.
'Don't hurt me' responses use fragility to avoid tough conversations
The basis of "don't hurt me" behavior is basically this: If you seem too tired, delicate, or victimized, then your partner won't force you into an uncomfortable conversation. In his book, "Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy" — which originally coined the idea of "don't hurt me" responses — psychologist Dr. Thomas R. Lynch describes the behavior as a way to "block unwanted critical feedback." This may manifest in complaints like "I don't feel well" or involve rehashing unrelated problems or past traumas to convey a crushing emotional weight.
Often, these responses may be exaggerated or outright lies. As Lynch observes, the "hurt or sad-looking behavior is phony and used to control people." Such manipulation buys time to run from issues instead of facing them, but it's not good for a relationship in the long term. Not only does it stymie communication, but when one partner positions themselves as weak or pitiful, it may also sow resentment by unfairly casting one partner as a victim and the other as a bully.
That said, "don't hurt me" responses aren't always intentional. An avoidant partner might subconsciously exhibit fragile facial expressions or mention hardships to paint themselves as too worn down to handle a serious conversation. And sometimes a person may genuinely need a break before they can tackle a big, emotional talk. "Don't hurt me" behavior only becomes problematic when it's a habitual, second-nature reaction to any kind of serious communication.
Overcoming 'don't hurt me' responses for productive communication
It's hard to overcome ingrained behaviors like "don't hurt me" responses, especially when using them unconsciously, but there are simple, proactive ways to improve communication in your relationship. For an avoidant partner — whether that's yourself or your significant other — it can help to take baby steps into deeper conversations. Try asking thoughtful questions and encouraging your boo to do the same. Keep in touch throughout the day, even if you're just chatting about the little things, and make mutual efforts to compliment each other. This way, both of you can feel more valued and secure in the relationship.
It can also relieve the jump-scare-like surprise of serious conversations to schedule some talk time into your weekly schedule. As licensed marriage and family therapist Sarah Epstein told Forbes, "The first thing I do with clients who walk on eggshells with their partners is have them schedule a weekly relationship meeting with their partner." This regular meeting helps normalize calm communication.
Finally, reducing "don't hurt me" behavior means efforts to stop playing the victim card. An avoidant partner can empower both the relationship and themselves by checking woe-is-me body language and taking a more mature, head-on approach to romantic troubleshooting. When in doubt, navigate tough talks with simple, healthy phrases for better communication, like "Help me understand" or "This is what I need." Open communication doesn't mean agonizing over every misstep or disagreement; instead, having real and respectful conversations can go a long way.