Do You Often Attract Love Bombers? How You View Healthy Relationships May Be To Blame
When you meet a new love interest and the chemistry seems to flip your life upside down, it can sometimes be tricky to remain grounded and level-headed about what those early stages of a relationship should look and feel like. Initially, being showered with grand gestures of love and admiration likely feels pretty flattering. However, if you're feeling a bit uneasy about the quick pace of the relationship and the onslaught of affection, your intuition is likely telling you something important. Love bombing, or overwhelming someone with attention, material gifts, and compliments, is typically a manipulation technique to control the receiver of the affection.
If you continuously find yourself in the throes of being love bombed – which is not exactly a fun place to be — first off, give yourself some grace and then take a moment to examine the lens through which you view healthy relationships. It's possible that you haven't experienced or witnessed the dynamics of a stable, balanced romantic relationship where mutual admiration and respect are given and received. If this is sounding all too familiar and you're ready to attract a healthier experience in the early dating stages, putting the right boundaries in place and understanding what constitutes a healthy relationship will get you in the right spot.
Love bombers tend to seek out insecure targets
Love bombers know their tactics won't fly with someone who has experienced authentic love and a respectful relationship, so they set their sights on those who may have lower self-esteem, experienced some degree of emotional neglect, or felt largely unseen in childhood. Unsurprisingly, the love bomber most likely also experienced these conditions at some point and ultimately doesn't feel worthy of a healthy relationship, nor do they believe a partner would choose to stay with them without manipulation.
It's also quite possible that the behavior of the love-bomber is unconscious and harm isn't intended, according to Psychology Today. But, whether the love bombing is intentional or not, the effects can be draining — or even devastating. So, if you're finding yourself attracting partners who engage in love bombing, no matter the root cause, setting boundaries and seeking support from loved ones or a mental health professional to help you examine the pattern is key.
Mirroring and future faking are traits of love bombing
Mirroring is a surefire sign of love bombing — whether or not the manipulation is intended. The love bomber will carefully study the identity, interests, and needs of their desired partner and become what they believe will secure the catch. It's worth noting that love bombing most commonly happens in romantic relationships, but you can also be love bombed by a friend, or family members and even co-workers. If someone is coming on strong and mirroring you in a professional environment, praising your work, and making promises of the future, this could potentially be a form of love bombing.
Talk of the future early in a relationship is another signature trait in love bombing where a brighter world full of promise is dangled in front of the victim to keep them hooked. This could look like the promise of secure finances, marriage, children, emotional care, acts of service, or furtherment of a career. Once the love bomber has gained your trust, it's easy for these promises to feel realistic and close to becoming your reality.
Love bombers aim to devalue, then discard
This stage of love bombing is important to identify in decoding the pattern of attracting unhealthy relationships. Once you've fallen for a love bomber, they've likely got what they came for: validation and control. At this point, the love bomber may know that their false identity will soon be found out and so, they may abandon their victim who will no doubt feel utterly pained and lost. On the other hand, it's possible that once the love bomber has secured their target, a drastic shift in behavior occurs. According to Psychology Today, they may not ghost their partner, but instead show their true colors with disrespect, emotional punishment, or by ignoring their victim completely.
One thing to note is that if the grand gestures, acts of kindness, words of affirmation, and extravagant gifts continue after the initial stages, then it is possible that it wasn't love bombing after all — but a genuine expression of love and adoration.
Healthy relationships move slowly, with awareness
To stop the trend of attracting love bombers, there are a few steps to take in order to make sure you aren't a target. Healthy partners with a genuine interest in getting to know you understand that a slow and steady pace is necessary. They'll want to take their time and will expect you to do so also. A solid foundation is built with intention, care, and healthy pacing. You'll know you have a love bomber on your hands if you verbally or nonverbally show your desire to move slowly and they either have a large reaction or lose interest in pursuing you.
While gaining an instant admirer or companion can feel exhilarating and as though it's meant to be, it should generally serve as a cautionary sign. Going slowly when getting to know someone is normal and if the opposite is what you're used to, it may be due to your view of what constitutes a healthy relationship.
Examine your past and your partner's past
If you're noticing this pattern and suspect you're a magnet for love bombing, it's time to tap into some mindfulness practices and build up your self-esteem. If there's unresolved pain from childhood or past relationships clouding your judgment, then working with a mental health professional could help you find some resolve and notice the red flags of a love bomber. If you observe your potential partner speaking negatively about many of their past relationships, then it'd be wise to gently explore that past and see if love bombing could be at play.
Another approach would be to share your feelings of discomfort and your hesitancies about the amount of attention you're receiving from a new romantic interest. If love bombing isn't at play, they'll surely respond with care, and respect your desired pacing. If their defenses come up or they react harshly, then take it as feedback that this is not the healthy relationship you deserve to be in and keep your boundaries in place.