There Are So Many More Elements To Attraction Than Physical Appearance

We may receive a commission on purchases made from links.

If you meet someone new and tell your friend about it, said friend might immediately ask about the person's physical appearance. Fair enough, the exterior is what we see first, but there are so many more elements to attraction than physical appearance, as behavior and relationship expert and "Find Love Fast" author Patrick Wanis, PhD, explains. "Attraction isn't simply about the curve of a smile or the sparkle or color of someone's eyes. Physical beauty might first catch your attention, but it's the psychological and emotional chemistry that keeps you captivated and engaged," he tells Glam exclusively.

That doesn't mean looks don't play a part, though. "Physical appearance is the doorway that invites us in," says Wanis. "It's the very first impression and can instantly spark interest and desire. But if physical beauty is all there is, then the fire will burn out quickly." After all, chiseled shoulders don't necessarily equal a shoulder to cry on, and someone with cute ears may be a dreadful listener. (Being an active listener is one of the low-key things that are highly attractive, just so you know.) "Lasting attraction comes from who the person is when the lights are off and when you truly need them," Wanis says.

Relationship expert Patrick Wanis explains that there are six main things that will attract one person to another beyond physical appearance. One of them is chemistry. "That magnetic pull that you can't quite explain. It's a biological and emotional resonance. He or she might not be your physical type, and yet you're strongly, physically attracted to them," Wanis exclusively explains to Glam.

Two other elements to attraction are mutual respect and shared values. "Attraction deepens when you admire a person's character, choices, and behavior. And alignment on what the principals and things that matter most in life to you," Wanis says. "For example, integrity, family, growth, spirituality, communication, love, financial security, and so forth." Likewise, we're attracted to playfulness and humor. "The ability to laugh together creates safety and joy, and helps two people overcome tough times," explains Wanis. "Women are often deeply attracted to a man that can make them laugh."

We also need an emotional connection. "The feeling that someone truly understands you and offers a safe space for you to express yourself and be 'you'," adds Wanis. And finally, you need complementary personalities, which means that "[t]wo people balance each other's strengths and weaknesses," according to Wanis. "A talker needs a listener, [and] a reserved person needs a risk taker to create some form of balance and challenge," he concludes. These elements that boost your attraction to someone are also some of the scientific reasons that marriages succeed, so recognizing them can help in the long run.

In case you need a quick refresher on what you should know about attachment styles in a relationship, in a nutshell, the theory suggests that our experience in relationships as an adult mimics those from our childhood. "Your attachment style explains why you might feel drawn to certain partners or triggered in certain situations," explains Wanis, who adds, "If you have an anxious style, you might grip tightly and seek intense closeness. If you're avoidant, you might be drawn to people who give you space, or you subconsciously chase people whom you can't have."

Wanis cautions that attachment style shouldn't weigh too heavily into deterring a potential relationship if the attraction markers are there. "Awareness of your [attachment] style can help you make better choices, but real attraction also depends on values, life vision, emotional maturity, and your willingness to grow," he exclusively tells Glam. "Nonetheless, it is highly beneficial to recognize that if you have any form of an insecure attachment style and your partner is someone that also has an insecure style, then you face constant challenges, dramas, arguments, and the reopening of old wounds and fears. Seek out someone who has a secure attachment style." Instead of figuring out what their attachment style is, Wanis recommends that you ask, "Do we bring out the best in each other?" Any successful relationship will take a lot of work, and starting with these acknowledgements can keep you and your partner grounded. And if you break up, Wanis' "Are You Over Your Ex?" test may be able to help you get back on your feet.