Valerie Bertinelli's Relationship Advice Is As Good As It Gets

Valerie Bertinelli may have admitted that she "fumbled the last true good man" she met, but don't dismiss her romantic advice just yet. The "Hot in Cleveland" star shared on Instagram (via Page Six) some insights from her past failed romances, leaving us wondering if her advice was universal or purely anecdotal. To get answers, Glam spoke exclusively with Teresha Young, a multi-award-winning International Wellness and Relationship Coach, and according to her analysis, Bertinelli's relationship advice is pretty spot-on, with one important caveat.

One of the major things Bertinelli spoke about was stonewalling. If you're not familiar with the concept, Young defines it as an "emotional shutdown during conflict." She explains, "Instead of engaging, one partner withdraws, goes silent, avoids the conversation, or creates distance, leaving the other person feeling like they're speaking to a brick wall." Now this is obviously a "red flag." In fact, stonewalling is regarded as one of the four horsemen that signal a future breakup. Still, the "One Day at a Time" actress offers a different view on the situation.

"When you feel hurt and wronged and know you deserve an apology but are being stonewalled by your partner because they're feeling shame, maybe this can shift your thinking," Bertinelli wrote in a now-deleted Instagram post dated February 19, 2025 (obtained via Page Six). "Are you only pointing out what they're doing wrong, being hypercritical, and expecting them to just fix it? That could be making things worse." She added that when people realize they've done wrong, they often feel shame, but emphasized that shame, criticism, or pressure never bring about true change. At first glance, Bertinelli's words might seem like victim-blaming, but according to coach Young, it all depends on how you frame it.

One key point that Valerie Bertinelli and Coach Teresha Young agree on is that shame can be immensely damaging in relationships. "When shame takes over, people often shut down, avoid the conversation, become defensive, over-explain, withdraw emotionally, or convince themselves they've already damaged the relationship, which can make repair feel even harder," Young says. This is why it's important to find the balance between expressing your emotions and judging your partner. Shaming them, showing disgust, or applying too much pressure are definitely some of the mistakes to avoid if you want your partner to open up more to you.

During our exclusive interview with Young, she explained: "When someone repeatedly feels they're only hearing what they're getting wrong, it can quickly create defensiveness, emotional shutdown, resentment, or even hopelessness." The expert added that it's not about avoiding the difficult conversations — after all, there are benefits to arguing with your significant other. Instead, it's about framing these discussions the right way. "Most people respond far better to feeling seen for what they're doing well, alongside understanding where there's room for improvement," Young says.

Valerie Bertinelli's comments also emphasized the importance of expressing yourself without antagonizing your partner. "Maybe try, 'This is how I feel when this happens, can we figure this out together?' [...] You're on the same team. You're not working *against* each other, you're working *with* each other," she wrote. Coach Young explains that Bertinelli's approach focuses on "observations and impact rather than blame. For example, instead of saying, 'You never listen,' it becomes, 'I've noticed that when this happens, I end up feeling unheard.'" In general, Young believes Bertinelli's advice is on the money, but the last bit had her hitting pause.

One important thing Valerie Bertinelli's post mentions is how much responsibility each partner has. "I think we all just want to do better and [we] feel awful when we've hurt someone we love, and shame prevents us from thinking clearly," she wrote. "Wouldn't it be nice to relieve the one you love from shame so they can truly give you the amends you're looking for?" However, during our exclusive interview with Teresha Young, she mentions that this mentality, without the right context, can cause harm.

"Compassion is important in relationships, and it should not come at the expense of your own emotional well-being," she says. "If one partner is repeatedly avoiding accountability, shutting down, or leaving the other person to carry the emotional labor of repairing the relationship alone, empathy by itself will not resolve that dynamic." If your attempts to communicate your emotions, even without shaming your partner, are consistently met with stonewalling, it becomes a personal issue for them to solve. It's always important to continually find ways to be more empathetic towards your partner, but no one person can fix problems in a relationship.

If you're the stonewaller in your relationship, Young shares some tips to help you overcome this dynamic. "Shifting from harsh self-judgment to self-awareness is key. Instead of staying stuck in thoughts like, 'I'm a terrible partner' or 'I always mess things up,' the more helpful question becomes, 'What is this bringing up for me, and what needs to happen next?'" She adds that it's important to try to put yourself in your partner's shoes. "Relationships work best when both partners feel like they are on the same team, not when one person is constantly doing the emotional heavy lifting to keep things afloat."