What To Consider Before Having Sex With Your Ex
Whether it's because you're between relationships or you still crave the sexual intimacy you had with your former partner, sometimes we find ourselves looking toward our ex to get some action. In a lot of ways, it makes sense: it's comfortable, you both know what the other one likes, and you know what to expect. Sex with an ex is like a homecoming in some ways, so it feels good and is free of pressure. However, it's not without its fair share of drama.
"I know plenty of folks who did not work well as partners in one way, but then they transitioned to lovers and developed a whole new agreement and relationship that worked much better," licensed marriage and family therapist and sexologist Nicoletta Heidegger tells Psych Central.
But where there may be "plenty of folks" out there who have been able to make the transition, there are probably even more who haven't been able to pull it off. For some, sex with an ex can provide closure, as long as expectations and boundaries are set in place (via Prevention). For others, you broke up for a reason, so why even bother knocking on that door again? Well, because we're all suckers for familiarity and some of us are hoping to rekindle what was lost. In either case, these are not the best reasons to go crawling back into bed with an ex.
It could be depressing
A really important factor about sleeping with an ex is that it can be depressing. What makes it depressing is that you're hanging onto the past, or perhaps even trying to recreate that magic that died long before the breakup actually took place. "Nostalgia can be an aphrodisiac," founder of Dating Transformation and dating coach for The League Connell Barrett tells Ask Men. "The lens of passed time can blur the pain of the breakup, and you're left with the good memories. This can create a powerful yearning. An old flame still burns hot."
Although nostalgia may be the drive that has you texting your ex and driving them to text you for a hook-up, it's not enough of a reason to make having sex with an ex work, per se. If anything, in addition to being sad, it can have a negative effect on your self-worth to know that your ex will sleep with you, but they have no interest in anything more than that, especially if you still harbor feelings for them (via Psychology Today).
Realize why you're doing it
Having sex with an ex isn't always about getting laid. In some situations, the reasons can be far more complicated. "My clients have sex with their exes for a number of reasons," sexologist Jessica O'Reilly, Ph.D., tells Women's Health. "Some say it feels good to be wanted by someone who abandoned or rejected them. Others like that it is familiar and convenient. And others are hoping that sex will lead to a rekindling of the relationship."
Sure, it can feel good to be wanted by the person who may have done the breaking up, but you need to understand that if that's the case, there's a cost involved. For example, if you're still pining for them, and they're sleeping with you while dating new people that's an emotional disaster waiting to happen. It doesn't matter how much your ex may sexually want you, it's not going to be more than that at this stage in the game.
Also, if it's convenient for you, remember that also means it's convenient for them. Does anyone want to be a convenience when it comes to sex? Shouldn't you want more for yourself? Yes. People have been having sex with their exes since the dawn of time. And, since the dawn of time, it's hard to imagine that all those people sat down and took all the pros and cons into consideration — like just how much of a slippery slope such an arrangement can be. Basically, you want to look at the big picture before making your move. For all the good that can come with sleeping with an ex, there's a lot of bad, too.