Why Scheduling Sex In Your Relationship Doesn't Have To Seem Like A Chore
When we think of scheduling sex, we often assume it's for those couples who have been together forever, have full-time jobs, a bunch of kids, and not a single moment for themselves. While that may be the case for some, that's certainly not the case for everyone. Even couples without kids, struggle to find time to have sex. After a 50-hour work week (which isn't uncommon in the U.S.) or a 10- to 12-hour workday (again, which isn't uncommon) no matter how much you're attracted to or even sexually aroused by your partner, you might find yourself struggling to get yourself there — to the act of actual sex. We all just have too much going on and sometimes that too much stuff can stand in the way of the sexy times.
"I am a big fan of scheduling sex, and a lot of couples will at first be resistant to the idea because it doesn't feel spontaneous," relationship expert Rachel A. Sussman, LCSW, tells Refinery 29. "We all live really busy lives, and — especially if you're married with small children — having a spontaneous sex life is nearly impossible. You have to look at your schedule and see what's going on: What time do you get home from work? Are your kids in your bed all the time? Do you ever have any private time? You've got to look for at what your window is."
But if we schedule everything else in our lives, why not schedule sex too? It's no less important than next week's pap smear or your daughter's recital tomorrow. So, before you cringe, thinking that scheduling sex takes the sexy out of sex ... pause a moment. Now let's cover why scheduling sex in your relationship doesn't have to seem like a chore.
Decide when it works best for both of you — but be realistic
If you and your partner haven't had sex for a while, due mostly in part to your schedules, then you want to sit down and talk about a time that works for both of you. Ideally, a time when you're not being rushed, neither one of you has a deadline looming over your head, and you can both be present in the moment so as to truly enjoy it.
"Making a plan to have sex every day when you've been struggling to do it twice a month is not reasonable. It's better you start with small goals and build up," author of "The Relationship Fix" says Jenn Mann, LMFT, tells Insider.
Hey, if you can go from having sex once a month to having sex every day, then, well, wow. Someone give you two a medal! However, that's just simply not going to happen, so be realistic in how you're going to approach this scheduling.
Actually, put it on the calendar
Do you really want to make scheduling sex with your partner legit and something that you stick to no matter what? Then put that sex date on the calendar. Not just the calendar on your computer, but the one on your phone, and the paper one you might have on your work desk. Wherever you have a calendar, put that scheduled sex on it. If you have kids who might be old enough to read word sex, then have fun with it and how you mark the calendars.
Better yet, you can have a calendar specifically for when you'll be having sex. Maybe even put a little gold star sticker on that day or draw an eggplant emoji — that seems to be code for penis after all. Have fun with it, and don't make it feel like having the calendar alone is a chore unto itself because it's not. Instead, make it into a cheeky asset that's going to keep your sex life on track — or get it back on track.
It allows for more communication and show commitment
Relationships take a lot of work. A lot. And with all that work and effort and time and investment in the relationship, comes a lot of factors that keep couples together and feeling close. One of those factors is sex. It may not be the most important part of a relationship, but it's essential to intimacy and keeping that bond between you and your partner alive and blooming.
"Scheduling sex is not just about scheduling sex. It is also about carving out focus time with one another which is an important part of maintaining a bond in a relationship," author of "The Relationship Fix" Jenn Mann, LMFT, tells Insider. "[Scheduling sex] gives you a platform where you can explore your sexuality because you know you have carved out the time."
Making time and setting aside time for sex not only opens the doors to talking about sex more but shows that you're committed to the relationship because you know how important it is to keep that bond intact.
Let the anticipation build with some early foreplay
If you know sex is on the calendar and, therefore, inevitable, it's not too early to start anticipating and, even better, start the seducing part of it. Did you actually think the phone designers created texting for communicating? Ha! No; they created it for sexting — they just haven't realized it yet.
"Sexting releases the same neurochemicals as pornography," sexologist and naturopathic doctor, Dr. Jordin Wiggins, ND, tells Bustle. "Unlike viewing pornography, sexting allows us to have more control over the interaction and can be empowering ... Power and control can be very arousing, so sexting can be a safe way to explore where desire really begins: in the brain. Sexting [also] allows us to anticipate a response from our partner, to build desire."
As that desire builds, so does the anticipation with those neurochemicals like dopamine ready to give you the high that comes with sex and even thinking about sex. It gets you in the mood hours before your sex date, acting as an extended foreplay.
Talk about what you want to experience
Whether you talk about what you want to try the next time you're together when you schedule your sex date or you detail it all out for your partner during a proper sexting session, it's important to communicate what you're hoping to explore together. If you're usually a missionary-only couple, try another position. If you've never incorporated a toy, then introduce a vibrator to the equation.
When you open your mind, as long as you stay comfortably within your boundaries, there's no telling what type of sex acts you'll stumble upon while experiencing with whatever dirty thoughts that might be coming to your head. If you're having sex so rarely that you need to schedule it, you might as well make the most of it and dip your toe into uncharted waters. If you like the directions things are going, then toss your whole body into those waters and see what you and your partner can discover.
Understand that sex doesn't necessarily need to be penetration
For far too long, when people said the word "sex," it was meant to be strictly intercourse, as P-in-V action. Finally, our culture has come around to the realization that the word sex is an umbrella term for so many other sexual acts. In fact, penetration is just a drop in the bucket of all the things that sex can cover. So, keep this in mind when you schedule your sex date — it doesn't have to be just intercourse, nor does it need to include any intercourse at all.
"Rather than setting rigid expectations, I think it's more effective to make that time about physical connection," sex and relationship coach Charlie Glickman, Ph.D., tells Bustle. "It could be a back rub. It could be brushing your partner's hair. It could be cuddling and talking. And of course, it could be about sex. But if you require it to be sex, you don't leave any room for one or both partners to need some other kind of physical contact."
Human touch alone, like cuddling, can kick oxytocin into overdrive. It's not as if it's only released during intercourse. One of its nicknames is the "cuddle hormone" after all.
Realize you can still be spontaneous
Just because you have scheduled your sex night, have a calendar all printed out, and maybe even taped by the bed, that doesn't mean that spontaneous sex ceases to exist. If you have the moment and enough time to be spontaneous, then go for it. It's not like you're breaking a schedule rule, if anything, you're a rebel! You've found time outside your scheduled sex time to get it on, so strip down and do it — do you have any idea how lucky you are? In a world of go, go, go, you were able to find a moment in time for spontaneous sex and it's purely delicious, isn't it?
Sex is a paramount component of a healthy relationship, that's why it's always important to not ignore the fact that, as cringe as it may seem at first, it deserves to be on a calendar. It's not as though people are going to forget about sex, but having that date marked and knowing it's coming, can add spice to your sex life that maybe you didn't realize it could.