Dating Expert Explains Why You Want To Rebound So Quickly After A Breakup
When a relationship ends, it's often followed by the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. According to the College of Southern Nevada, it doesn't matter who did the dumping, as a broken heart may naturally go through these stages to become whole again. In those first few stages, you may feel a lot of upsetting emotions, with an urge to seek love and validation elsewhere — this is where rebounding comes in.
Rebounding is generally understood as the act of entering a new relationship with someone shortly after the ending of another. While common, rebounds often get a bad rap. Can someone really be emotionally available enough to begin a new relationship so quicklyKalley Hartman? On the other hand, though, surprising research suggests that they can be healthy if done correctly (per Psychology Today). Nevertheless, rebounding after a breakup happens often, which may lead you to wonder why.
In an exclusive interview with Glam, Kalley Hartman, LMFT and clinical director at Ocean Recovery in Newport Beach, California, gave us the inside scoop on this hot topic and revealed to us the many reasons why you might want to rebound so quickly after a breakup.
We want to exercise our newfound 'freedom'
While ending a relationship may be difficult, sometimes the relief that follows can be soothing if the partnership was unhealthy. Often, when in the throes of a toxic relationship, you may tend to forget that there are other people out there — people who may treat you the way you need to be treated. "If you were stuck in a toxic relationship and finally got free, it can be exciting to see who else is out there," Hartman said. Therefore, you may quickly turn your attention to other potential suitors.
Plus, you most likely walked away from that relationship with lessons learned that you could take with you. "Having the new knowledge of what you learned from the previous relationship can give you the confidence to put yourself out there to meet new people," Hartman explained. But that doesn't mean you should quickly jump into the arms of another, especially so if you aren't in a great place mentally. "There are positives and negatives to this approach, so it's important to be mindful of your own mindset and emotional state when considering dating someone new."
We want to avoid feeling the loss of a breakup
When you go from having someone to talk to, cuddle, kiss, and share your life with every day to a sudden halt, it can leave a hurtful hole in your heart that was once filled with coupley bliss. In fact, according to Hartman, those feelings can be crushing — and who wants to sit with that for long? "The feelings of loss, loneliness, and anxiety can be overwhelming after a breakup," Hartman said. "It's natural to want to fill this void with someone new as soon as possible." However, pursuing an ASAP kind of love may not be the healthiest choice.
"While it's important to take the time you need to heal, jumping into another relationship right away may not be the best solution," Hartman explained. "Healing entails dealing with our emotions instead of looking for ways to distract ourselves from feeling them." By focusing your energy and attention on your healing instead of your rebound relationship, you will become whole again in a strong and healthy way. Nobody likes sitting in their pain, but sometimes you need to let the wound heal completely instead of placing a temporary Band-Aid on top and ignoring it.
We want validation
It's always a lovely feeling when someone gives you attention, but when that attention comes after heartbreak, it's exceptionally satisfying. "It can feel empowering when someone else expresses interest in us, especially after being hurt in a past relationship," Hartman said. When someone tells you they no longer want to be with you, your confidence can take a hit. Therefore, when you feel unwanted and alone after a split, it's no surprise you would naturally crave that validation through a rebound relationship.
However, according to Hartman, this validation may only be a quick fix to an underlying issue that requires additional healing. "This attention can act as a short-term pick-me-up and make us feel validated. However, relying on external validation to boost our self-esteem may only provide temporary satisfaction." In other words, it may be beneficial to build your own confidence within yourself for long-lasting self-love before entering a relationship with a new partner.
We want to prove that we've moved on
In the age of social media, when your every move is documented and followed by exes and others on the internet, it's natural to want to show the world you're doing just fine after a breakup. Hartman explained that it's actually common to want to prove that you've moved on. "It can be tempting to enter into another relationship in order to show our ex and other people in our lives that we are just fine without them." You're living your best life and don't need your former partner to do it.
However, that quick turnaround to find a new partner may do more harm than good. "It's important to remember that it takes time and effort to move forward in life, so rushing into another relationship may set us back further than if we were taking the time for ourselves," Hartman said. If you want to heal without the added pressure of outside sources peeking into your personal life, it may be a good idea to remove yourself from social media for a while and focus on your healing.
We're excited about the possibility of new love
Everybody wants to feel loved — we're human. Love and human connection are the primary goals of many people walking this earth. So, when a relationship ends, according to Hartman, you may find yourself feeling hopeful about the possibility of finding a new love connection, which is especially true if the relationship ended on a decent note. "Not every relationship has to end in heartache, so there is something exciting about getting back out there and seeing what awaits us."
However, you still want to be mindful of who you choose to couple up with. "It's important that we approach this with caution and take our time to get to know someone before rushing into anything too quickly," Hartman explained. "This will help minimize some of the risks associated with entering a new relationship after a breakup." Otherwise, you may end up in the same position you were in before, with a broken relationship and looking for the next. Remember, moving on after a breakup takes time. Let your heart guide you on your healing journey, but remember to bring your brain with you, too.