Our Best Tips For Boosting Your Confidence In The Bedroom
If you don't feel confident in your body, your sexual ability, or even in your relationship with your partner, it's difficult to get out of your head and enjoy moments of physical intimacy like you deserve. Being open, free, and uninhibited mentally and physically in the bedroom starts with honing in on what makes you feel confident sexually, which can be hard to do if you don't feel great about your body. "Sexual confidence is feeling good about yourself as a sexual being," said licensed psychologist and co-director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes Dr. Rachel Needle via TZR. "It's being comfortable in your own body and being able to communicate your wants and needs to a partner."
Being confident in the bedroom is important for not only your own experience but also that of your partner. "If a partner feels insecure, their behavior and language will show it," says sex therapist Dr. Debra Laino via She Knows. Because sex is such an intimate experience, your partner can easily pick up on these insecurities or mental blocks, which can in turn cause them to feel insecure. If they sense that something is off, they may assume it has something to do with them or their performance, which can cause them to get into their own heads too.
Following these tips for boosting your sexual confidence can allow you to focus less on your insecurities and more on enjoying the experience.
Practice mindfulness
Sex is as much of a mental act as it is a physical one, and if you are distracted by your own thoughts and insecurities, you won't be able to be in the moment –- making it almost impossible to enjoy it. Practicing mindfulness and focusing on being present can help you silence any insecurities that come with a lack of self-confidence, allowing you to instead focus on experiencing pleasure and connecting with your partner.
"If you find yourself lost in negative or critical thoughts in the bedroom — whether about your body or your performance — you could be sabotaging your sex life," said sexologist Dr. Emily Morse via Bustle. "Go back to your breath, focus on what you're feeling in your body in the moment. You can redirect your thoughts and retrain your mind to be more present and have better more connected sex with your partner."
Lighting a scented candle, focusing on your own breath and that of your partner, and experimenting with different textures and sensations by introducing toys are easy ways to encourage you to focus on being present and channeling all of your senses, according to therapist Vienna Costanzo-D'Aprile, LMHC (per PsychCentral). Focusing on the feelings and sensations around you during physical intimacy using all of your senses can help ground you and prevent you from being distracted by any negative thoughts associated with a lack of bedroom confidence.
Build your mind-body connection
If you are lacking confidence in the bedroom because you have yet to learn how to love your body, the best thing you can do is learn to better understand it through movement. "Taking up pole fitness and aerial arts is one of the best things I ever did for my overall health and body image," Katie Beecher, MS, LPC, a medical and spiritual intuitive and licensed professional counselor said via POOSH. Whether you choose to try pole fitness, yoga, or dance, being aware of the way each part of your body feels and where it's at while moving can help increase your sense of body awareness, which Healthline says can help you forge a stronger mind-body connection. Being aware of where your body is and how it naturally moves can help you carry yourself with more certainty and confidence, allowing you to move and direct your body more thoughtfully -– both inside and outside of the bedroom.
Anyone who wants to better understand how to deepen the connection between their mind and their body can benefit from trying a little sensual movement, so don't worry if you've never done it before. If you are nervous about joining a class with other people, there are plenty of yoga, dance, and pilates videos that you can watch and learn from while doing the exercises from home –- or better yet, invite a friend to attend a class with you to help break you out of your comfort zone!
Prioritize alone time
Sex is just as much about you as it is about your partner(s), so sometimes the best way to become sexually confident with a partner is to first become comfortable being sexual with yourself. "Being sexually confident is not an act that you put on for a partner, it is a feeling you have within yourself," said therapist Dr. Donna Oriowo (per TZR).
Dr. Needle recommends scheduling some alone time with yourself and taking the time to really get to know all parts of your body so you can become comfortable with it. "Spend time looking in the mirror to see what you look like," she said (via TZR). While doing that, be sure to hone in on at least one thing you like about your body or genitals." She also recommends reading an erotic novel or watching a pornographic movie, or simply dancing naked around your house. "The idea is to start getting in touch with yourself as a sexual being," she said.
Solo sex through masturbation is also a great way to boost your level of sexual confidence. "It teaches you more about your own body and what feels good for you — and it can give you a starting point for communicating with a partner," said Dr. Oriowo (per TZR). Understanding your wants and needs sexually by exploring them on your own can help you feel much more confident in communicating them to a partner.
Spice it up with some lingerie
If your lack of confidence in the bedroom leaves you shying away from taking risks and stepping outside of your comfort zone, investing in some ultra-sexy lingerie is a good way for you to practice. "Our outfits are typically bound by cultural and societal norms ... Lingerie sets, on the other hand, do not have to conform to such norms because they are for our eyes only," said fashion psychologist Shakaila Forbes-Bell via Huffpost. Buying and wearing something that is totally out of your realm of normality, such as a spicy lace corset or a bright red teddy that perfectly cups your chest can help you familiarize yourself with the idea that it's okay to take risks -– and looking at yourself in the mirror can help remind you that you're sexy when you do.
Even if you only wear the lingerie for yourself and never let your partner see you wearing it, it can still be just as powerful. "Wearing nice quality underwear or lingerie sets boost our confidence and self-esteem, even if no one sees it," said behavioral psychologist Carolyn Mair via Huffpost. "Feeling confident can make us appear more physically attractive because we tend to stand, walk, speak and gesticulate differently." Consumer psychologist Kate Nightingale adds that associating attributes like strength and sexiness with a certain piece of lingerie can help you better evoke those feelings yourself every time you wear it.
Lather on a self-tanner
While putting in work at the gym or the pilates studio is the most sure-fire way to tone your body, there's nothing wrong with getting a little help with some added color since it's scientifically proven that everyone feels sexier and more in shape with a tan (okay, maybe not scientifically –- but am I wrong?). Getting a spray tan or applying self-tanner at home is the easiest way to help your body look more toned in a pinch while giving your complexion a glowy, sunkissed look -– which can help you feel more confident in your own skin once the clothes come off. "A self-tan application will naturally contour the body and make you appear to be slimmer and more toned," says St. Tropez Finishing Expert Sophie Evans (via StyleCaster).
If you really want to define your muscles and make them pop, contouring your tan with a darker shade can help make it look like you have abs peeking through even if you can't remember the last time you made it to the gym. "Apply a lighter layer of self tan all over, then simply spray the sides darker, make a darker line down the center of the stomach and then spray the horizontal lines of the abs," Evans says. She recommends getting a base color all over and then following up the next day with a contour since the skin can only absorb so much product at one time.
Create a bedroom playlist
When it comes to hyping yourself up and feeling confident during moments of physical intimacy, don't underestimate the power of your favorite jams. Not only can a song's rhythm help you and your partner fall into a rhythm of your own, but listening to music during sex can help you let go of your inhibitions and encourage you to embrace your confidence in the bedroom. According to Psychology Today, listening to music during sex can prevent anxiety and nervousness stemming from self-doubt and lack of confidence in your body or your sexual ability. Confidence in your body and in your moves in the bedroom can help create a more relaxed and enjoyable experience for both you and your partner, and creating a carefully-curated playlist specifically for the occasion is a fun and easy way to help set the mood and relax your body and mind. Using music to help yourself relax and feel comfortable can help release any inhibitions caused by a lack of confidence and help you embrace feeling sexy.
If your taste in music doesn't lend itself well to the bedroom, simply listening to your favorite songs alone prior to having sex can also help get you out of your own head. Turn on your favorite pump-up jams and guilty pleasures and get your endorphins going by dancing or singing in the mirror. Using music to hype yourself up before intimacy can be equally as effective as listening to it during.
Share your insecurities with your partner
When you are full of self-doubt and insecurity, sometimes the best thing you can do is simply share those feelings with your partner. While making it known that you struggle with self-confidence in the bedroom can feel awkward and leave you feeling vulnerable, open and honest communication is essential in any sexual relationship -– and allowing yourself to be vulnerable in front of your partner can increase the level of trust and intimacy, making for a more comfortable and enjoyable experience for both of you. Not to mention, if you have a healthy and trusting relationship with your partner, they should want you to feel comfortable and enjoy sex just as much as they do and will probably be glad you spoke up about how you are feeling.
According to Dr. Needle, people who are sexually confident are confident in knowing that they are truly deserving of sexual pleasure. "As a result, they feel comfortable asking for what they want and need, as well as setting — and sharing — boundaries of what they will (and won't) do sexually," she said (per TZR). "They also care about what their partner(s) want sexually. When you are sexually confident, you are more likely to enjoy sexual activity and be present to focus on all of the sensations and arousal from a sexual encounter. It allows you to get out of your head and focus on sexual pleasure."