Signs It May Be Too Soon To Have A Baby With Your Partner
One of the most exciting and stressful decisions to make in life is deciding whether or not you're ready to have kids. Having children is a huge blessing to some people, yet it also can bring on challenges you and your partner didn't see coming. Children are seen as one of the last pieces in a relationship to complete the dream life that's been shown to you in different Hallmark television shows and movies.
One of those challenges that comes into play is figuring out when exactly is the best time to start trying to conceive. While you may think that now is a perfect time, there's always a lot to consider and take into account. For some, the answer will become crystal clear when deciding if it's the right time. But for others, clarity is taking its sweet time. These are some signs that it isn't the right time for you to bring a child into the world.
Your relationship status
It seems like more people than ever are having children before there's a commitment to marriage. That's perfectly fine, however, there are a lot of people that want to have a solid relationship base before having kids. If you're one of those people who isn't married yet but wants to be married before having children, then you shouldn't let your partner talk you into having a child without that commitment. Having a child is way more of a responsibility than it is to be married. A marriage can be dissolved through divorce, while a living, breathing child is forever.
You can't just get rid of your child if the relationship fails. Having a solid and committed relationship is important to reflect on before you and your partner decide that it's time to have a child together. If this is something that's important to you, make sure to stand your ground and let them know that you need a certain relationship title before moving forward.
Your financial status
Money isn't everything, but it's certainly an important factor to consider when deciding if it's time for you and your partner to have a child together. There's a lot that goes into raising a child that you might not think of at first. There's the obvious crib, diapers, nursery room decor, and toys that a newborn needs. However, most people don't really talk about the significant costs that can really amplify the stress that comes with having a child. Some people really value their sleep and want to hire a night nanny to help care for their child during their first year.
This is a very nice thing to be able to have, but it can be quite expensive to have a staff member in-house with your little one nightly. Another huge thing that new moms talk about wanting is therapy to heal their postpartum depression. Sadly, therapy isn't cheap, either. Therapy is one of the biggest things new moms talk about needing more of, especially with mental health topics being pushed now more than ever. Being in a sound financial position is huge before deciding that it's the right time to have a child.
Doubts about spending at least 18 years with your partner
If the thought of spending even one more year with your partner doesn't sound appealing, having a child with this person might not be the best decision to make for yourself. When you commit to having a child, you're committing to at least 18 years with your chosen person due to visitation rights, sporting events, and more until your child becomes an adult. There are plenty of examples of parents that can co-parent easily, but that isn't always the case.
Most of the time, two people can't even stand the thought of one another after breaking off their relationship. If you add sharing a child into the mix, you'll still be part of the other person's life until the child turns at least 18. That can get somewhat ugly if two people really can't stand each other. If the thought of spending at least 18 years in your chosen person's life disgusts you, you should listen to that warning bell before committing to a child.
Your living situation isn't spacious enough or ideal for a child
Are you one of the millions of people who's been living in a one-bedroom apartment or tiny living arrangement with your partner? If so, then you might want to rethink your plans to have a child with them at this particular time. A child needs their own space to live and grow up in. Even though the child is physically small when first born, you're going to feel incredibly cramped if your living room has to now double as a nursery. It's even worse if you make plans to turn half of your bedroom into a nursery.
One of the huge perks of a child having their own room is avoiding the smell that can come from their frequent diaper changes. Even though new parents might not be as affected by the smell of their child's diaper changes, you don't want that smell to overpower a shared sleeping space. Making sure that you have a big enough area for your newborn is huge and cannot be overstated.
Inability to rely on trustworthy childcare
There have been countless horror stories describing what can happen when you leave your child in the hands of someone else. Dangerous issues can arise at any moment, especially at daycare centers. Daycare workers have a lot of children to look after and can occasionally get overwhelmed. If you don't have a parent, close relative, or trustworthy family friend you can absolutely depend on to watch your child, it might not be an ideal time to have one.
Childcare is beyond important since nobody is going to love your child as much as you're going to. However, bills must get paid somehow. These days, it typically takes a dual-income household to make it work. This means it's vital to have a reliable place to leave your child during work hours. You need to consider all of your possible options for trusted childcare. If you can't think of at least two or three different people who make you feel 100% comfortable, then you should reconsider if it's a good time to have a child.
Doubts about whether or not a baby will make your life better
Let's be honest. Loads of people want to have children because they believe babies will make their life better. The idea of having babies might have you thinking you'll be spending your days smiling because of their innocence and laughing because of their cuteness. But if you're the type of person who believes having a child will end up being a bigger burden on your life than enhancing its quality, you probably shouldn't have a child.
It wouldn't be fair to your child if you knew going into it that they were going to be the burdensome reason why your life is less enjoyable. A child can sometimes sense if they're being "too much" at any given point, and they shouldn't have to know that. A child should know that they're making the lives of their parents better by being around, not taking away from it. Even if you're near a 50/50 mindset on whether or not a child will make your life better, you should wait until you've reached at least 80/20 certainty.
You or your partner is going through a lifechanging transition
Everyone knows the stress of moving or trying to find a new job. That's not a stress that you'd want to wish on anyone. Now picture that stress amplified by a thousand. That would be your life if you're going through a major life transition while also welcoming a child into the world. Children, as amazing as they are, probably won't bring your stress levels down during different events like moving or finding a new job.
You should only have to deal with one major life stress at a time. Having a child during a major life transition means you'll undoubtedly be juggling multiple stressors. Children crave stability and they tend to be a lot calmer when they have that. Once your life has reached a point of stability, you and your partner should definitely start discussing having a child. This shouldn't be a discussion during major transitions, though.
You or your partner just received a diagnosis
Receiving a medical diagnosis is one of the most challenging moments in life. Learning that something is wrong with you health-wise might make you think this is your only shot to have a child with the person you love. While it might feel that way, you still should reconsider having a child after getting a diagnosis. Whether your diagnosis is treatable or not, anything can happen during your healing process. Knowing that you're dealing with a health crisis that could possibly cut your life short is a lot to stomach.
It wouldn't be fair to your child if they potentially had to grow up without their biological parent there with them. If your partner is the one dealing with a diagnosis they might not heal from, it's possible you might meet someone who would fill the void for your child. Still, it's a huge risk to take, and it isn't totally fair to bestow that risk upon a child that didn't ask for it.
Concerns about your inability to travel after having a baby
Who doesn't want to travel the globe and learn about new cultures in different places? The truth of the matter is that having a child might throw a major wrench in those big travel plans floating around your mind. There are many factors that go against parents wanting to travel with their children. The expense of tickets on planes, trains, and other public transportation is one. Two plane tickets to an ideal vacation from just about anywhere in else the United States are already expensive enough! When you get to your destination, you'll have an extra mouth to feed the entire time as well.
When you have a child in tow, there might be kid-friendly attractions for your child to enjoy. You won't be able to have fun at places geared for adults only, though, such as lounges or tiki bars. You can easily say "no" to the requests of your child, but then you might get stuck dealing with a temper tantrum as their response. If they're really young, odds are they won't even remember the trip 10 years down the line. There are plenty of parents who can balance this and enjoy traveling with their little ones, but it isn't as easy as it sounds.
You're worried about your body never looking the same after pregnancy
Do you love snapping amazing pictures with your partner on beaches or date nights to preserve memories? You can temporarily say goodbye to all of those perfect photo-ready moments after having a child. There's no denying the fact that your body significantly expands during the time that you're pregnant, stretching your skin along with it. There are obviously many "mommy makeover" plastic surgeries to consider, but those can cost upwards of $20,000. There are also serious risks that come with surgery, including accidental death.
Think about how much you value and treasure your current body, and how you'd feel if you lost it during pregnancy. The last thing you want to do as a parent is to become resentful of your child for changing your body before you're actually ready to settle down and have kids. Bouncing back after pregnancy is certainly possible, but make sure you're okay with the idea of looking drastically different after having your kid before making this decision.
You have a fear of labor
Going into labor is one of the scariest things that you can do for yourself. There's a chance something could go wrong, especially if you're a woman of color. According to PRB, women of color are three times more likely to die during pregnancy. This is a very sad fact, but it's very true and it's something women of color should know and consider before having a baby with their partner.
For all women, there's always going to be a looming chance that something could go wrong while you're in labor. Even if you plan every last detail out, there's nothing that anyone can do about unexpected crises. In the worst-case scenarios, your partner might be forced to make a choice between saving the baby or saving your life. Putting your partner in this position can be incredibly heartbreaking, as you never know what guilt they might carry from their decision afterward. Making sure that you and your partner are comfortable with the subject of labor itself needs to be squared away before having a child.
Worries about receiving split attention from your partner
If you aren't satisfied with the attention that you're getting from your partner now (or you're nervous it might go away once a kid comes along), having a child is maybe the worst thing that you can do. A child is a full-on human being with needs. When a baby is first born, it needs assistance with every single thing including eating and going to the bathroom. This means you and your partner will have to willingly give your attention to your child. Children need constant attention at all times to make sure their needs are met.
Doing so naturally takes away from the attention you and your partner give each other throughout the day. If this is okay with you, then you're good to go. If this sounds terrible, having a kid right now probably wouldn't be ideal. Being able to focus solely on your partner and spoil them with your undivided attention is a treat people don't always appreciate until it's too late. Before having a child, make sure to have an honest conversation with yourself and your partner about the loss of attention going both ways.
Failed experience or no experience taking care of a pet or plant
It's always a good idea to test something out before jumping in head first. For example, you'd probably never buy a car without going and testing one out. Although having a child is a thousand times more serious than purchasing a new ride, you can still rely on the same style of thinking. If you and your partner have never taken care of a pet or plant (or you attempted to and it died), you might not be ready for parenthood. If you've never taken care of anything at all, think about starting with a plant or pet first. Make sure you understand their daily routine and exactly what it takes to keep your pet or plant alive and thriving.
Taking care of a pet is more intense than a plant because animals are capable of showing you when they're hungry or need to go to the bathroom. Still, they can't explicitly tell you with their words. Communicating with a pet is much like communicating with a newborn. Being able to notice the signs when a pet needs something is great practice for the future when it comes to having a child. If you've done this and succeeded, then you're in a better position than others to have a kid.
Online posts from regretful parents make you feel unsure
Being on social media is huge, these days, and parents are no exception. The best way to gauge how someone really feels is when they can admit their personal truths anonymously. Recently, there have been many examples of parents taking to social media to talk about the regrets they have from bringing kids into the world. If you've never explored "Regretful Parents" Reddit threads, forums, or social media posts online, these are things you should probably look into before having a child.
These regretful parents still love their kids, but because they're able to express themselves anonymously, the truth about their disappointment is available to read. Regretful parents tell the cold hard truth about how dreadful parenthood is and how much they miss their life before producing children. Since many regretful parents post anonymously, their stories can't be traced back to them. These parents would never talk badly about their own child face-to-face, but the way they secretly feel inside speaks volumes. Before having a child, make sure both you and your partner read some of what the most honest and regretful parents have to say. This way you'll get an honest idea of what it's like to be a parent from people who aren't sugarcoating anything.
Bringing a child into the world in the current political and societal climate feels wrong
Every now and then, it feels like society is on the brink of something wildly scary happening. If you're already feeling anxious about the direction the world is going in, you might be wondering if it's fair or ethical to bring a child into the world along with you. Believing it's morally wrong to bring a kid into the ever-brewing pot of our societal climate means becoming a parent at this time probably isn't a great idea for you.
Global warming, the spread of incurable diseases, nuclear war threats, human trafficking, organ harvesting, and worldwide poverty is only a small handful of issues to be concerned about right now. When you think about the problems of the world that currently plague mankind, does it sound exciting and appealing to have a child? If these types of thoughts don't bother you, you're in the headspace to become a parent. If these types of thoughts make you feel sick and uncomfortable, you might want to reconsider whether you should become a parent right now or ever.