Work On Improving 5 Main Things To Be A Better Lover In Your Relationship
We live in a society that's pretty much sex-obsessed. From the second we find out what sex is, we want to give it a whirl and see what it's all about, then many of us spend the rest of our lives trying to get as much of it as we can. And sadly, the thinking that, like pizza, even when sex is bad it's still good isn't very accurate.
Bad sex is just that: bad. Although there are many reasons why sex might be bad — lack of chemistry, a selfish partner, physical or mental hang-ups — the point is to recognize that sex isn't always good (although pizza is) and to do something about it. Life is too short for subpar sex.
But what makes sex good can't be defined as a specific thing. One person's idea of great sex is another person's idea of awful sex, and vice versa. It's with this in mind that you should stop thinking great sex is about physical skills and understand that there's more to it than that. It's only by rewiring your idea of good sex and what it really entails that you can become a better lover.
Redefine your idea of sex
One of the most important things you can do to be a better lover is to redefine your idea of sex. Straight cis couples tend to think of sex as intercourse, but that's not the case. Sex is a term that's used for all sex-related acts. If you go through life thinking it's just intercourse, then you're really missing out. The same can be said if you think that sex should always end in an orgasm. An orgasm is the cherry on top of a delicious cake and if the cherry isn't there, it doesn't mean the cake isn't any good.
Sex is a pleasurable journey either with one or multiple partners. However one defines it, sexual pleasure is sex. Full stop. People who don't even engage in intercourse can have just as fulfilling sex lives as those who do. So when you stop thinking that sex is just one thing, then you open your mind to other ways of experiencing pleasure. This brings us to orgasms.
Although orgasms are fantastic, they're not necessary for sex to be great. As survey after survey has shown, 75% to 80% of people with vulvas can't orgasm with penetration alone and then there are those who get off by not getting off — for example the Karezza method.
Once you see sex as more than intercourse and take the stress of having to climax out of the equation, you're already on your way to being a better lover.
Work on your communication skills
If you're going to be part of this world, you need to know how to communicate — not just in bed, but in every relationship you have in your life. Communication allows us to let people know what we're thinking and feeling and gives us the opportunity to hash things out so to speak. In turn, the person with whom we're communicating is given the same opportunity. When you're able to communicate effectively, all aspects of your life are better for it — including your sex life.
In communicating with your partner, you can learn from each other your sexual likes, dislikes, and everything in between. You can talk about what feels good, what doesn't, and what you want to explore together that may not be on your menu of usual sex acts. You can also learn to communicate without words, by listening to each other's moans to guide you.
People tend to feel intimidated about speaking up during sex, but you shouldn't. If you're able to have sex, you should be able to talk about it especially when you're in the throes of it. Neither you nor your partner are mind readers, so don't try to pretend you are. Communicate your desires and give your partner the floor to do the same. This one little change to your sex life, if you're not already communicating, is going to make a huge difference.
Lean into your sexual confidence
When it comes to sex, confidence plays a big role. Unfortunately, we live in a culture that has decided for us what's sexy and what's beautiful, and there is no in-between. What this means is that you need to see past what our society has deemed perfect and realize that no one is perfect. Bodies come in all shapes and sizes. Although it may not be easy to remind yourself of this as you strip down in front of your partner, if you harness your sexual confidence and really embrace it, you can start to conquer your insecurities.
"Sexual confidence is feeling good about yourself as a sexual being," licensed psychologist Dr. Rachel Needle tells TZR. "It's being comfortable in your own body and being able to communicate your wants and needs to a partner ... [a way to do that is to] explore yourself as a sexual being alone and spend time getting to know your body and becoming more comfortable with it. Spend time looking in the mirror to see what you look like. While doing that, be sure to hone in on at least one thing you like about your body or genitals."
As much as your partner may be able to help you feel confident, ultimately confidence is something you need to discover and embrace on your own.
Kick your ego to the curb
If you bring your ego to the bedroom, you're already setting the stage for a not-so-great time. For example, if it takes your partner a long time to get aroused or they can't orgasm without a sex toy, you need to realize it's not about you. It says nothing about your skills as a lover, nor does it say anything about their skills. It's important not to make it all about you and read into things that aren't there. Your partner has a vulva and needs a vibrator to climax? Join the club — you're certainly not alone. Your partner has a penis and comes in less than one minute? Again, join the club for that scenario too. We'll be making t-shirts for the members.
When you start seeing sex as something that you do with someone else, someone who has needs and desires that may not include just your body, then you immediately subtract stress from the situation. Sexuality is complicated. If you expect someone else's pleasure to be solely based on your genitals, as if they're the magic key, then you're doing a disservice to both you and your partner.
Be enthusiastic
Nothing is worse than having sex with someone who's not into it. Sometimes we can feel obligated to have sex with our partner if they're in the mood and we aren't, but that doesn't make for good sex, and, honestly, who even wants to have sex with someone who's just doing it out of obligation? No one. Nor should anyone ever feel obligated to have sex.
When you bring enthusiasm to the bedroom, you bring your whole self. You're not just phoning it in, but you're completely present, in the moment, and both you and your partner can feel the difference. With your head fully in the game, you're more willing to let yourself go and open your mind to the sexual possibilities that can unfold. You're excited, so your partner is excited too. You're going on a sexual adventure together and the enthusiastic energy is so all-consuming that you can taste it.
People tend to think good sex is more complicated than it really is. Even just working on your communication skills is enough to see a change. But keep in mind, no one is expecting you to be perfect in bed. Good sex comes with trial and error, and experience and experimentation. If you have those things in your pocket and the ability to communicate with your partner, then you're going to be a better lover in no time.