Details About Your Sex Life You Should And Shouldn't Share With Friends

Whether you have a close group of friends with whom you have a standing brunch date every weekend or that one BFF you text 24/7, there's a good chance you tell these people everything. From graphic details about your last period, to your work office drama that you're supposed to keep to yourself, to the orgasm face of that person you had a one-night stand with last Friday — when it comes to friends, it's hard, if not impossible to keep anything to yourself.


But while sharing the intimate and somewhat gory details of a one-night stand is more than fine, when it comes to the sex life you share with a partner, some things are meant to stay private. Granted, your partner's sex life is just as much your sex life, but when it comes down to relationships and intimacy, respecting one's privacy is essential.

Although we should normalize talking about sex in general, as a way to de-stigmatize the taboo surrounding it, you can still definitely do that without upsetting your partner by betraying their trust. Here's what you should and shouldn't share about your sex life.

Shouldn't share: if you're wondering what's normal

Where sex is involved, what's "normal" can be pretty blurry. Is your partner's penis normal? Is your partner's inverted nipple normal? It is normal that your partner needs to hold a pear in their hand while listening to Taylor Swift to have an orgasm? Not every penis is straight as an arrow, inverted nipples are fairly common, and if someone needs to smell a pear while listening to T.Swift in order to climax, then Godspeed.


If you're wondering what's "normal" when it comes to your sex life with your partner (especially performance issues) or what's "normal" in regard to your partner's body, there's a little thing called Google. If you've yet to discover Google, this delightful search engine can answer pretty much every question you have about everything — as long as you stick to reliable medical sites. If you can't find the answers you need there, your doctor or gynecologist is just a phone call away. Unless your friends are OB-GYNs, they're not the best source of what's "normal," sexually speaking. 

Should share: if you're looking for feedback or insight

Talking about sex with your friends is a good way to get feedback on your thoughts and desires. If you've been thinking about experimenting with BDSM but aren't sure how to open that door and know some of your friends have tried it, then this is a perfect example of getting feedback on something you're interested in trying.


"When we talk about sex with our friends, we are normalizing experiencing pleasure with our own bodies," clinical sexologist Rena McDaniel, M.Ed. tells Bustle. "As a sex therapist, I hear stories from so many women who think they are broken because 'sex isn't working.' But when we share our experiences with each other (the really pleasurable moments as well as the painful ones), we can learn from each other, share resources, and collectively learn to have even better and more pleasurable sex."

In turn, if you've explored something that a friend might want to give a whirl, you can give them helpful insight on how to try whatever it is they're looking to explore. As long as you keep details about your partner out of it when sharing your adventures in certain sexual situations, then "no harm, no foul," as the saying goes.


Shouldn't share: What your partner's fetishes are

What your partner is into when it comes to kinks and fetishes is absolutely, positively off-limits for your friends — even if one of your friends shares the same kink! If you think about how long it might have taken for your partner to embrace certain fetishes they have, then feel comfortable enough to share them with you, you'll realize just how paramount it is that these things and the discussions surrounding them stay between you and your partner behind closed doors.


According to various surveys, anywhere from 30% to more than 50% of people have admitted to having at least one fetish. While having a kink or a fetish is completely normal and many people have them, it doesn't mean your partner wants your friends to know. People come to every conversation with their own set of judgments and biases, your friends included, so don't put your partner in the situation of being judged behind their back. 

Should share: if there is any type of abuse

Although, among everything else, consent is the most important part of a healthy, happy, and fulfilling sex life, boundaries are not always respected. Not only is this a heartbreaking breach of trust, but it can be severely terrifying too. When this sort of thing happens, we can either end up fearing for our safety or suffering some sort of abuse. It doesn't matter how deep your kinks lie, how far you're into BDSM, or how carried away your partner got in the heat of the moment, there is never, ever a place for abuse of any kind in one's sex life.


If you are the victim of abuse, this is definitely something you should absolutely share with your friends, therapist, and even the authorities. Sex is supposed to be fun and a consensual exploration of fantasies and desires between two (or more) people. It's never supposed to have any component of abuse — verbal, physical, mental, emotional, or otherwise.

If you or someone you know is dealing with domestic abuse, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233. You can also find more information, resources, and support at their website.

Shouldn't share: anything that embarrasses your partner

We all have embarrassing sex stories. In fact, the more embarrassing the sex story the better because they make for great brunch time fodder. But there has to be a limit as to how much embarrassment from your sex life you should share. If you have an embarrassing sex story that's about you, for example, you fell off the bed while rolling around with your partner and sprained your wrist, then that's your tale to tell — with embellishments and all. 


But if it's your partner who's the one on end of the embarrassing sex story, meaning they're the one with the sprained wrist or something equally awkward, then that's not your story to share with your friends. Sure, it can definitely be a funny scenario, but if your partner isn't laughing, you don't get to practice your stand-up comedy routine with your friends using your partner's embarrassment as your source of entertainment. 

Should share: if you're trying to figure out what you're into

Human sexuality is fluid. What piques your curiosity today may not be even remotely interesting a couple weeks from now. Because of this, hammering out what your current and past sexual likes and dislikes are with your friends is completely okay. If you're wondering why you're feeling a certain way sexually and not feeling the way you used to, sharing this information with your friends is always allowed because they can help you sort it out. Sometimes it's easier to talk to people that we don't have sex with about things that we're trying to figure out and understand. Naturally, this is information you'll want to share with your partner at some point too, but going over it with your friends first is completely fine.


When it comes to what details you should and shouldn't share about your sex life with your partner, you should always pause and ask yourself, "Would I want my partner's friends to know this sort of thing about me?" If the answer is no, then let that be the guide to what you share with your friends. Of course, there are those people who are fine with their partner sharing every single detail of their sex life which, in itself could be a fetish, but if your partner doesn't swing that way, then respect their wishes and keep your lips sealed about certain details.