Hesidating: The Singles Trend Putting A Pause On Relationships

These days, there are so many dating trends to keep up with. Have your friends been chatting it up about their annoying situationships lately? That term was recently coined by people trying to describe what it feels like to be in that never-ending talking stage with people who refuse to commit, while also wanting to enjoy the benefits of a relationship, including sexual intimacy. 


Sober dating has also been on the rise for singles wanting to link up with partners who aren't interested in partying or drinking tons of alcohol every weekend. You don't have to be in a program like Alcoholics Anonymous nor do you have to be someone who's 100% sober all the time to appreciate the allure of sober dating. It simply gives you the chance to meet others with a clear mind so you can make the best possible decisions for yourself and your future.

And "hesidating" is the latest trend gaining traction these days. Is this a dating trend that personally applies to you or anyone else you've been spending time with? Let's learn more about it to find out.

What is hesidating?

Instead of jumping into a committed relationship with someone based on shared interests and mutual attraction, tons of people are taking longer than ever before to settle down with new partners. The phenomenon is called hesidating, and it's wildly rampant among singles these days. It stems from the fact that there's a lot of fear circulating in the minds of those who are single because they don't want to waste their valuable time with the wrong person. 


Think about it: Every time you commit to one person and enter into a monogamous relationship, you shut yourself off from possibilities with other people who might be better suited for you. So unless you're the type of person who's comfortable cheating on your significant other, you're taking a big leap by promising to be faithful to one person for an extended period of time. 

That's why hesidating is becoming more common. More people are realizing that there's a lot to think about before getting into a relationship since you don't want to deal with long-term regrets down the line. Hesidaters fully believe it's better to "hesitate" a bit before dating anyone seriously.

How is hesidating closely related to the COVID-19 pandemic?

The reason hesidating is so closely related to the COVID-19 pandemic is that many people believe they lost out on prime dating years due to time in quarantine. Going into lockdown during the early stages of the pandemic was certainly isolating and lonely for millions of people around the globe. Unless you were already in a committed relationship with your soulmate, you might've gotten frustrated in quarantine without the ability to go on dates or connect with new people face-to-face. 


Dating during the pandemic was incredibly tricky because tons of restaurants, lounges, and social destinations were completely shut down. To top things off, everyone was wearing masks, which means no one was able to see if others were smiling back at them. How was anyone supposed to be able to tell that you were flirting with them or showing genuine signs of interest with half your face covered up?

Now that people have started getting back out onto the dating scene, no one wants to feel like more of their time is being wasted on the wrong relationship since so much time was already lost following strict guidelines and protocols.

Hesidaters avoid being vulnerable

You can spot a hesidater from a mile away because they're the type of people who shy away from vulnerability. Noticing that someone shows tons of hesitancy whenever you want them to open up about their feelings is a red flag if you're hoping to solidify something real in a reasonable timeframe with them. Hesidaters won't be very receptive if you ask them to share something personal about their life that would shed light on their emotional depth. 


Hesidaters also tend to get pretty defensive in the light of vulnerability, which makes them come across as emotionally unavailable. If you're the type of person who's ready to lock it down with someone you share interests with and are attracted to, you shouldn't compromise about someone's receptiveness to vulnerability. Ending up in a relationship with someone who isn't willing to be vulnerable with you will only hurt you in the long run, because you'll end up doing the bulk of the emotional labor.

Hesidaters don't get too involved

A surefire sign of a hesidater is someone who refuses to get too involved. This means that they won't show much genuine interest in events you're planning, group hangouts you're attending, or anything of that nature. An example of this would be letting them know your birthday is coming up. You can tell them you're having a get-together with all your closest friends and that you hope they'll show up. Instead of making time to celebrate you on your birthday, they'll come up with an excuse to avoid showing up. 


A hesidater doesn't want to get too involved in things you care about, because they don't want you to think things are more serious than they are. They also don't want to learn about your friends and family members on a personal level, because they're filled with too much doubt about the longevity of your relationship. In their mind, it's not worth it to surround themselves with the people closest to you if the relationship isn't even going to go anywhere.

Hesidaters can be overly picky

One of the worst qualities of hesidater is that they can be overly picky, as they are now approaching the world of dating through a very selective lens. They weren't able to date who they wanted in the midst of quarantine, and now that they can start opening up to different options again, they want to make sure the people they're spending time with meet all their criteria. If you're not checking all their boxes, you're probably not going to get very far with them.


If a hesidater is looking to meet a partner who lives in their own apartment, owns their own car, earns more than six figures, and works out at the gym five times a week, they are simply not going to settle for anything less. Their decisive tendencies are here to stay as a follow-up to a period of time when they weren't able to be picky at all.

There will be energy shifts from hesidaters

You might get frustrated when dealing with a hesidater due to their frequent energy shifts. One day, they'll make you believe they're super interested in you and excited about what's to come in the future. The next day, they'll start pulling back and trying to distance themselves from you entirely. This type of energy shifting can leave you feeling confused and doubtful about who you are as a person. 


You have to keep in mind that the energy ships coming from hesidaters have nothing to do with anyone other than them. Hesidaters are always going back and forth in their heads about whether or not it's a good idea to move forward in a romantic relationship. They might be focused on all of your best qualities on Monday, but that doesn't mean they won't start honing in on all of your flaws when Tuesday rolls around.

It isn't easy to get long-term answers from hesidaters

As much as you might be hoping to get long-term answers from the hesidater you're dating, you have to accept that you probably won't get any of them anytime soon. Asking a hesidater if they'd be willing to schedule plans with you a few months in advance isn't going to lead you down a very pleasant road. They don't want to feel forced into a box with you as a long-term partner when they aren't even sure if you're the right person for them to be with right now. 


Don't even think about trying to buy surprise concert tickets for your hesidater partner if the concert isn't taking place within the next couple of weeks. Rethink those theme park passes that will last for at least a year. They'll be turned off and spooked by the idea of you planning things to do with them way too far in advance. Hesidaters don't want to be pressured to answer any long-term questions that might be floating around in your brain.

Don't be surprised by the flakiness of a hesidater

Another less-than-appealing quality hesidaters possess is a level of flakiness. Being a flaky person obviously isn't a positive quality, but it's pretty common among people who are incredibly hesitant about their romantic connections. If you have dinner reservations with your hesidater on a Friday night at 7 o'clock, brace yourself for the possibility that they might not show up. 


Inviting them to join you for an invigorating workout class in the middle of the week might've sounded like a great idea when you were planning it, but you shouldn't be surprised if they send you a last-minute text message saying they won't make it. It's up to you to decide whether or not it's worth your time to continue dealing with flaky energy from a hesidater. Until they are absolutely sure about the person they're dating, their flakiness probably won't be going anywhere.

Hesidaters must start dating from a place of truthfulness

One thing hesidaters need to keep in mind is that they should be dating from a place of truthfulness. Instead of starting short-term flings with tons of people they're having doubts about, they need to be as open and honest as possible from the very beginning. The more honest someone is when they're going through this type of emotional turmoil, the better their results will be in the battle of love. 


In clearer terms, someone who is having so much inner push and pull about whether they're ready to date a certain person or not needs to express the thoughts they're having through the mode of straightforward dialogue. It's unfair for the other person involved to be dealing with a hesidater who's unable to truthfully speak their mind about where they stand. Unfortunately, explaining that you're struggling to settle down due to your unwavering feelings of hesitancy isn't the easiest thing to describe to other people. Regardless, hesidaters must find a way to tell the truth.

Hesidaters must acknowledge the deeper cause of their mindset

Hesidaters who understand the importance of emotional maturity must acknowledge the root cause of their mindset. Why are they feeling so hesitant to settle down with one person? Why do they feel the need to be so elusive about what's coming up in the future? Once a hesidater takes the time to figure out why they're acting a certain way in the world of love, it will start to improve their situation. 


If they don't get their emotions properly sorted, hesidaters will continue having short-term flings with others who will end up feeling betrayed and heartbroken. The longer a hesidater spends bouncing through different short-term flings, the longer it will take them to finally meet the person they're truly looking for. It's never easy analyzing yourself or your behaviors, but sometimes it's absolutely necessary if you want to live a happy and fulfilling life.

Be willing to walk away from a hesidater

Although you might feel like you have a wonderful connection with a special someone in your life, if all signs are pointing towards the fact that they are a hesidater, you have to be willing to walk away without chasing them down or begging them to stay. It takes away from your own level of confidence and dignity if you end up chasing someone or begging them to stick around. Instead, show yourself love and respect by walking away when a relationship no longer serves you. 


You deserve to date someone who doesn't showcase a shred of hesitation when they're interacting with you. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who's comfortable talking about future plans with you. You deserve to be with someone who's excited about committing to you because they know they won't be missing out on something better with someone else. That is paramount for your mental health and happiness.

Your minimal effort could be a sign of hesidating

It's possible that you're hesidating yourself if you're showcasing minimal effort in different romantic scenarios. You know you're ready to date someone you care about if you show up for them with the same amount of effort you hope they're sending your way. If you are indifferent about the amount of effort you're bringing to the table in any relationship, odds are, you're simply not ready to date someone on a serious level. 


It's perfectly fine to acknowledge that you aren't ready to settle down in a committed relationship with a new person, but it's unfair to drag hopeful people along when you aren't willing to show the amount of effort they deserve. The emotionally mature thing to do is to cut them off so they have the chance to connect with someone else who will show them an abundance of effort and interest. This way, you won't be temporary placeholders in each other's lives for longer than necessary.

Nitpicking a great person's flaws could be a sign of hesidating

Dating a wonderful person is a lovely experience to have, but it's serious issue if you notice that you're always nitpicking all of their flaws. Are you always hyper-focused on their failings, despite knowing what a great person they are from the inside out? Nitpicking the flaws of someone who's actually quite lovely is a huge indication that you are a hesidater. Instead of enjoying a fabulous relationship with someone you're attracted to and interested in, you might be spending way too much time pointing out all the things you find wrong with them. 


This is a defense mechanism that stems from hesidaters who want to protect themselves from the long-term damage of wasting time with the wrong partner. Instead of enjoying what could be a blissful relationship, you're focusing on all the things you don't like to avoid fully committing yourself. This tactic allows you to avoid a future breakup down the line. If the person you're dating is way too flawed, it's definitely reasonable to cut things off. But if you know they're actually a great person, and you just can't stop nitpicking them, then your hesidater mentality is probably consuming you.

Your inability to make time could be a sign of hesidating

Many people believe they lost precious time due to COVID-19, so you're not alone if you feel that way. For this reason, it might be difficult for you to carve time out of your schedule for new people in the dating world. You already feel like you lost out on a couple of good years of your youth. You don't want to feel like you're losing out on more of your time by scheduling dates with people who aren't going to make the cut. 


Your feelings are completely valid, but it's also vital to note that it's hard to spark a true connection with the right person if you're not willing to put forth an ample amount of time. If you aren't spending quality time with anyone, how are you supposed to get to know anyone on a deeper level? It might feel risky to schedule dates with people you're unsure of, but it's the only surefire way to see if someone's actually the right match for you.

Do the inner work required to break free of hesidating tendencies

There's tons of inner work that needs to be done to become a healed individual in the dating world. This is especially true if you currently consider yourself to be a hesidater. You have to work on yourself and heal from the inside out to put your best foot forward with potential romantic partners. Bouncing around in different short-term flings is a waste of everyone's time. Since time is something so valuable to hesidaters, it makes more sense to focus on inner healing first before going out and making repetitive mistakes. 


You'll know you're the best version of yourself when you aren't tempted to nitpick everyone else's flaws or remain stingy with your availability. You'll also know that your healing journey is moving in the right direction if you're willing to put forth more effort with suitors you can picture yourself ending up with. It's okay to have fear about wasting your time with the wrong person. But it's not okay to live in fear or let those negative thoughts block you from blissful romantic relationships.