Red Flag Arguments You Shouldn't Have In Your First Year Of A Relationship
Ah, the honeymoon phase — it's hands down, the best part of a relationship. You're still getting to know each other, and the passion is undeniable. It feels like you're on cloud nine and never coming down. A typical honeymoon phase lasts about six months, but some couples say two years, via Brides. In either case, eventually, you and your partner transition out of this happy-go-lucky phase, and things start to feel more comfortable. You don't feel like you have to put on a show anymore; you can just be your true authentic self.
However, feeling at ease with one another isn't always a good thing. It's more likely your partner feels comfortable bringing up something that shouldn't be discussed during the first year of a relationship. In other words, certain arguments raise red flags and should be addressed immediately. Unfortunately, many of us choose to ignore them out of fear of loneliness, according to psychotherapist Sara Kuburic via Instagram. How you choose to handle red flags is up to you, but it's important you know which arguments to keep an eye out for.
Moving in together
If your partner is pressuring you to move in after you've already explained you're not ready, they're exhibiting a major red flag. Even if they think it's time to take your relationship to the next level, they still owe you the respect to understand your hesitations. According to Psychology Today, one of the key signs of a controlling partner is their resistance to listening to and acknowledging your thoughts and feelings. In their mind, they should get everything they want, no matter how you feel about the situation.
It's not uncommon to have reservations about moving in with a partner — it's a big deal. There's always the possibility that the two of you will break up, which means you're stuck living together until the lease is up, or you have to decide who gets to stay and who has to go. If you need more time to think about making the big jump, your partner should understand that. If they're still pressuring you, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship.
Arguing about past relationships or hookups
In the first year of your relationship (or at any point during your relationship), your partner should never attack you for your past relationships, situationships, or hookups that happened before the two of you got together. To say this type of behavior is a red flag would be an understatement. If you're mature enough to discuss their past partners or lovers without getting upset, they should give you the same courtesy. If the two of you decide to have a conversation about former relationships, make a mutual agreement to keep an open mind.
When your partner comes in guns blazing and grilling you about your past love life, it demonstrates serious jealousy on their part, and will most likely only get worse with time. It's best to address this type of behavior as soon as possible, even if that means ending the relationship. Really, who wants to stay with someone who keeps bringing up their partner from 2009?
Extreme ultimatums
One of the biggest red flag arguments that may arise at any point in the relationship is extreme ultimatums. For example, your partner continues calling you, saying if you don't come over right away, they're going to harm themselves... or worse. This is the epitome of toxic behavior — manipulating you into getting what they want. If this is happening at the beginning of the relationship, there's a slim chance things will get better as time goes on. This type of behavior is an absolute no-no, and we highly suggest you get out as soon as you can.
Leaving someone who continuously offers extreme ultimatums can be difficult but not impossible. If you need help, don't hesitate to ask family or friends for their support. There are also several resources you can use to handle this exact situation. No one should be put in this position, especially not in the first year of your relationship.
Fighting about money
Unless you two share a joint bank account, there is no reason your partner should have anything to say about your spending habits. You're entitled to your financial freedom and can spend your hard-earned money as you please. Financial issues are one of the top causes of divorce, according to a 2013 study published in Couple and Family Psychology, but until there's a ring on your finger, feel free to do whatever you want (within reason, of course — it's still important to practice good spending habits). If your partner is picking fights regarding your personal finances, that's a red flag too big to ignore.
If you decide to work through this issue, Equifax recommends explaining why you feel the way you do about the situation and following up with reasons why you should be left to your own devices. The key is to remain calm and not confrontational. Should your partner continue judging how you spend your money, feel free to give them the boot.
Getting married
This is similar to the argument about moving in together but on a more extreme level. Being pressured into getting married within the first year of your relationship is a total red flag. Of course, some people are ready to tie the knot within the first year, but if you're constantly being reprimanded for saying you don't want to get married right away, consider if it's worth staying with this person. Don't be afraid to ask your partner why they're so intent on getting married. What is so important they can't wait until you're ready?
If they don't have a direct answer to your question or are refusing to give you one, that's another huge red flag. A healthy relationship is about having honest and open communication with one another, especially when it comes to discussing major decisions like getting married. After all, when your partner is closed off about something that serious, it's a tell-tale sign they're not ready to make a major commitment.