How Soon Is Too Soon To Talk To Your Partner About If You Want Children?

For a lot of people, becoming a parent is the ultimate goal in life. Some people just have that instinct to bring a little bundle of joy into the world, and some feel so strongly about it that the thought of not having children or, even worse, not being able to have children is devastating. So, when people who want to be parents meet that person with whom they see themselves with for the long run, that drive and need to have children increases, especially if they see that their partner would be a great parent (via The Atlantic).


While babies are great in theory, sitting down and having that conversation with your partner can be difficult. And if you're the partner on the receiving end of the conversation, it can feel downright terrifying — even if you want kids! It's not just the fact that kids will change your life forever but the cost that comes with having a kiddo (via CBS News). It's definitely not cheap. However, expenses and fears aside, it's a conversation that must be had, especially if you both agreed from the get-go that children were something you both wanted.

"If you're ready to be a parent, it should be an ongoing conversation with your partner, but not one you're broaching every minute of every day," psychotherapist Gary Brown tells HuffPost. "It's fine to check in with each other about both the desire for children and timing, though."


Broaching the subject daily can backfire. One will feel backed into a corner, and the other partner will feel like they've just taken on a full-time job to convince their partner it's time. But it's still something that must be discussed, and the earlier the better.

Handle the conversation with care

Although there are many commitments that come with having a relationship — moving in together, buying a home together, and getting hitched, none of these compare to having a child. You can split up and you can sell the house, but the kid? That commitment is a long one: a lifelong one.


"Having kids can be a dealbreaker and it's important to talk about dealbreakers as soon as possible — when you know you'd like to date this person consistently," sex and relationships therapist Rachel Wright tells Insider

Because of this, you want to tread lightly with this conversation. If you're in a serious committed relationship, just because kids were initially part of your five-year plan together doesn't mean that you'll both be ready to be parents in that five-year time. One parent might be 110% into it, while the other might be lukewarm about it.

In addition to having the conversation as soon as you realize you can see yourself together for the long-term, choose your words wisely. You don't want to scare your partner, but you want to be clear. Those with uteruses don't have as large a window to get pregnant as those who don't have uteruses.


It's also important to listen to each other and have a back-and-forth talk as opposed to a one-sided chat where you're focusing on what you want with little to no regard for what your partner is saying (via

Don't give an ultimatum, but make your needs known

Where do you start? "The conversation can begin by stating why having children is important to you and how it could impact you if you don't have children," licensed marriage and family therapists Phebe Brako-Owusu tells Romper. "It can also include reasons why you believe you're ready and your observations about how your partner is possibly ready."


Sometimes we're not always aware of what we're ready for until we're in the middle of it. Granted, if your partner is adamant about waiting, asking how much longer they need, since you did agree upon this together, isn't uncalled for.

If your relationship is in a good place and you both feel secure, then talking about the pros and cons of having kids — so you get it all out there — is important to have. Honestly, if having children is something you know you want, then it's never too early to ask. If you go on a first date with someone and it's going great, casually asking if they want to have kids someday and finding out then that they don't, then immediately removes them from the sea of potential partners. 


If parenthood is something you really want in your life, then it's never too early to inquire and see if you're on the same page about it (via Psychology Today). You just want to make sure you listen to your partner's concerns, thoughts, and feelings before you do anything drastic. But if it looks like your partner has changed their mind on the topic, then that's the answer you need right there: it's time to take your leave and find someone who shares your dream of being a parent.