Tips For Handling Your Partner Not Getting Along With Your Best Friend
When you find someone whom you can call "the one," you stop at nothing to make your relationship work. You always strive to improve your compatibility with your partner by cultivating common interests, and you spare no efforts to make your family members like the person. However, it seems that in most relationships, people are so preoccupied with helping their partners get along with their family members that they tend to overlook an equally important dynamic: their besties' good opinions of their significant others.
Everyone differs in their personality and interests, and it's not impossible for your partner and closest friend to have conflicting perspectives. Just because a person is your bestie doesn't necessarily mean they must endorse your partner. And the same can be said for your partner. Just because he wants to spend the rest of his life with you doesn't mean you can force him to agree with the Spice Girls' tenet, "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends." Your bestie might have been on the scene much longer, but it's your partner who will be your family and have a legally binding union with you (if you choose to tie the knot that way). When your pal and your partner can't see eye to eye at all, it puts you between a rock and a hard place, psychologist Dr. Kate Balestrieri told TZR. If you're finding yourself in this situation, here's how to get to the root of the problem and get rid of it.
1. Put yourself in their shoes
When you sense animosity between your pal and your partner, don't insist that they spend more time together to get to know each other better. Instead, talk to them in private and put yourself in their shoes. There are a bunch of explanations for why people don't get along, including language barriers, cultural differences, lack of shared interests, or mismatched personalities. In the case of psychotherapist and dating coach Kate Stewart as shared on Refinery29, she didn't want to spend time with her partner's friends because they were all French, and she couldn't understand their language.
Or, if your partner is a chronic partygoer with a predilection for social gatherings and your introverted bestie enjoys nothing more than Netflixing under the blanket, putting them together too often would rub them the wrong way. People say opposites attract, but this isn't always true. Friends with different interests do exist. But most friendships form and thrive on shared interests, without which two individuals have no reason or motivation to hang out with each other in the first place, per MedHopeful. Two persons might not share the same degree of interest in an activity or a topic, but at least they should have something that they both can talk about.
2. Dig deeper to see where they're coming from
In some circumstances, your ride-or-die and your significant other may not get along for reasons other than a lack of compatibility. For instance, your friend might think that your partner isn't a good fit for you based on the way he treats you, per Talkspace. Since outsiders often have a viewpoint that an insider lacks, your friends might be able to spot red flags about your partner that you overlook. Or maybe they know a dark secret about your partner and are therefore not keen to act chummy with the person.
If your bestie decides to tell you their honest opinion, calmly hear your pal out and take time to digest the information. "No matter what their reasons are, remember that they have your best intentions in mind, even if you disagree," says dating coach Connell Barrett to Elite Daily. The same goes for your partner, who might not like your bestie after seeing how controlling or what a bad influence the person is on you. If you always put your romantic relationship or family matters on the back burner to cater to your bestie's every whim, it's understandable that your partner feels insecure about your friendship. It's not comfortable being caught in the middle, but having heart-to-heart conversations with both your pal and your partner in private help you better understand where they're coming from.
3. Do fun things together
If you think your bestie and your partner aren't clicking simply because they don't know each other enough, why not schedule an activity where all of you can join and bond? Sharing quality time together through exhilarating team-building activities is a great way to increase feelings of closeness and reinforce a sense of belonging. For instance, you can go on a trip together.
"Getting away together has many bonding components," relationship expert Antonia Hall tells Bustle. When you share space, dine, participate in activities, and venture into the unknown together, you can't help but pick up nuances in each other's character and deepen mutual understanding. Shared experiences like getting lost or running out of gas can help you bond faster and create unforgettable memories together. If a trip out of town is not convenient, you can engage in simple activities in your locale. According to evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar (via Scientific American), jogging, dancing, singing, going to a movie, or telling heart-wrenching stories together, can help people form new ties and feel less shy around each other.
4. Set boundaries and divide time
If your bestie and your partner don't want to be in the same room with each other, you'll need to spend time with them separately instead of picking sides, per Your Tango. In many circumstances, the partner isn't the only one who's jealous and possessive. A jealous bestie can pressurize you and attempt to sabotage your relationship, relationship expert Susan Winter tells Insider. To help your partner understand your friendship with your bestie better, explain how important the company of your bestie is to you, and it's not right to put your friend aside just because you have a love life. If your partner is a controlling or jealous type, make it very clear that you won't tolerate being told who you can hang out with and how often you can go out with them. Convey a similar message to your friend so both parties know that you're trying to strike a happy medium between friend time and couple time.
To make sure that you're not giving any party less attention than they deserve, balance your time for both. For instance, if most of your weekday evenings are spent dining and Netflixing with your partner, reserve the weekends for a relaxing bonding session with your pal.
5. Reset your priorities
At the end of the day, you should take time to reflect on what's really important to you: your romantic relationship or your friendship. Once you step into a domestic partnership or a marriage, you should be ready to embark on a new chapter of your life and willing to embrace inevitable changes. With new responsibilities in sight, it's impossible to continue investing the same amount of time and energy into your friendship as you used to. If the situation gets tense between your bestie and your partner, you might really be forced to choose one. Each person's situation might be unique, but when push comes to shove, family should always come first.
"In most cases our friends do not live with us, are not financially, legally, relationally entwined with us," explains marriage and family therapist Carrie Krawiec (via Fatherly). Our friends take space from us when necessary, but "our partners are connected to our homes, family, schedules, life," she says. When you're starting a new life together with your partner, you need to spend more time cultivating intimacy with the person and staying sensitive to the person's needs, per SYMBIS. To help your bestie understand you, explain that you must honor the changes in your life and make due adjustments. One day, your friend will have a family of their own and have a better understanding of your predicament.