How To Let Go And Start Focusing On Yourself Again After A Breakup
The end of a relationship can feel absolutely devastating. In many ways, experiencing the death of a serious partnership is similar to navigating the death of a beloved friend or family member. You'll experience a personal grieving process, and by the end of it, you'll be a different person than you were before. If you're at the beginning of your breakup process, this might sound like wishful thinking, but it isn't. Ending a relationship is one of the most transformative processes a human can go through. If you have doubts, take a look at the videos tagged #breakupglowup on TikTok. User Pdiddey posted a before and after video of her breakup process early this year that has now received over 13 million views.
The only way to move through a breakup and find yourself again is to dedicate time and energy to healing. Depending on your background, attachment style, and how much self-development work you engaged in before and during the relationship, this could mean brushing up on your reflection skills or starting completely from scratch (via The Attachment Project). Here's how to get started on reconnecting with yourself and starting a new chapter after you experience a breakup.
Get reacquainted with yourself
When you're in a relationship, compromising is part of the deal. There are some obvious examples of this, like where you eat or when you go to bed at night. But other ways you've been conforming your lifestyle to your partner's might be flying under the radar. According to marketing professor Jonah Berger, as reported by Behavioral Scientist, the habits of the people you spend the most time with will become your own.
This phenomenon can creep into every facet of your life, especially if you and your partner lived together. Maybe you enjoy horror movies, but your partner was squeamish, so you gave them up in favor of comedies you could watch together. Perhaps you've always been a direct and assertive communicator, but your partner tended to resort to manipulation tactics to get their point. It's likely that you eventually learned to default to that same behavior over time, even if you didn't realize you were taking part in it (via Kent State University).
Spend some time reconnecting with your own essence. Consider writing in a journal about the subjects and activities you used to enjoy. Go all the way back to your childhood and jot down what your favorite subjects and hobbies were before you got older and became more aware of societal expectations. Then, engage in those core interests and spend time with other people who enjoy them as much as you do.
Take responsibility
A relationship is a two-way street, and no one is perfect. Before you consider entering into your next romantic partnership, acknowledge your part in the failure of this one. This doesn't have to be a practice of shame or blame. You can reflect on the relationship and your part of its undoing with a lens of objective curiosity. According to Psychology Today, there is a good chance that you may have recreated the same dynamic you experienced with a parental figure in your childhood within your relationship. Perhaps you'll realize that you were bringing home the stress of your career and letting it affect your mood. Health lists job stress as the number one relationship problem for 35% of partners.
Once you've identified the issues that contributed to your half of the downfall of the relationship, it's time to take compassionate action. Consider creating affirmations for yourself to rely on when problem behaviors normally strike. For example, if your needs were not met during your childhood and this contributed to distrust of your partner, telling yourself "I am safe" during difficult communications may help you to create more solid bonds in the future.
If you or someone you know needs help with mental health, please contact the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741, call the National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline at 1-800-950-NAMI (6264), or visit the National Institute of Mental Health website.