Real Talk: Is It Ever Cool To Read Your Partner's Messages?

Living in a time where modern technology is continuously improving allows folks to get access to various things, such as their partner's phone. Snooping has become easier than ever with a few quick key taps and social media apps already logged into. However, we know that being in a relationship isn't all rainbows and sunshine. It can be tempting to take a small quick peek at their messages or emails when they've left the room for a few minutes, but that leads to losing trust and not being honest with your partner.

Most of the time, some partners feel the need to snoop if they feel that their partner's behavior has changed, they noticed their partner staying later at work than usual, or they got a minor glimpse of a text or email that left them unsettled. Even though it's vital to enter a new relationship fully trusting your partner, some partners who have been cheated on or hurt in the past can be hesitant to hand over their trust to a new partner completely. However, that doesn't mean you should look through your partner's phone to ensure they're doing right by you. Talking to your partner about your worries or unsettling feelings should give you the reassurance you need if they are honest with what they say. Here are a few questions you can consider and talk to your partner about if you feel like snooping through their phone — because you definitely don't want to go there.

Did your partner do something that made you question their trust?

When you're dating someone and if you decide to marry them, you never truly stop getting to know them. As a result, you'll find yourself in many situations where you learn something new about your partner. While there are moments that they'll surprise you with their opinions, likes, and dislikes, their behavior is one thing that won't always change unless it's for the better.

Bringing fears into your relationship when your partner hasn't given you a reason to doubt them can damage the relationship. In addition, you're showing your partner you're insecure and don't know how to communicate how you feel. Regardless of your past relationships, think about exactly what about them is making you suspicious.

If you notice that they're acting differently, it could make you question their intentions. For example, if your partner is always affectionate towards you, but you've noticed that they're more reserved and quiet, you'd question their actions. That doesn't mean you should check their phone the second you feel something off. Instead of snooping, talk to your partner about their behavior. They might be going through something that's not related to your relationship.

Have you been lied to in the past?

It's not always easy trusting a new partner when you've been lied to in previous relationships or situationships. You take those emotions with you everywhere you go, which can hurt your current relationship. If you feel like you have to know their whereabouts throughout the day, text them constantly to see if they'll respond to you right away, or know their schedule every week, those issues are deeply rooted and could trigger you at any moment if there's a sudden change. When you've been hurt in the past, it can cause you to become insecure, whether physically or emotionally. You might feel that it could happen again if you've been cheated on before, so you do everything possible to prevent it in your current relationship.

However, checking your partner's messages, emails, or socials can worsen your relationship if your partner is loyal to you. They'll feel that their privacy is being compromised, and they won't be able to trust you. Instead of snooping through their phone, try to rationalize your thoughts and think about what's actually happening. For example, if your partner has started staying later at work, do they talk about why they're staying late with you in a casual way? Your partner should be able to vent to you about their day. When they start giving one-word responses, you might think something has changed, but if they tell you everything, you are overthinking.

Are there communication issues in your relationship?

We know that communication is essential in a relationship. When you don't talk about how you feel, you can grow resentment towards your partner over time. In addition, it can lead you to want to check their phone to get confirmation that everything is going okay in your relationship. Rather than being open and vulnerable with your partner, you might think that looking through their phone will give you the answers you're looking for. If you don't allow yourself to be vulnerable with your partner, you'll always fear they're doing something they shouldn't.

Often when you don't talk about what you're feeling, your partner will think everything is okay when it's not. On the other hand, if you start acting differently towards them and they notice but you don't tell them why they'll get tired of asking you what's wrong. You won't come to any conclusion, which can create distance between you two, making matters worse. Even though communicating can be challenging, especially if you've had previous partners who didn't listen, try to push yourself to open up to your current partner.

Is your partner being manipulative towards you?

Being in a relationship where your partner is controlling can tarnish your self-esteem and self-worth when they purposely try to make you jealous or suspicious of their actions. Even though opening up, communicating, and being vulnerable with your partner is essential, it can give them the advantage of using what you tell them against you. If you've been cheated on or lied to in previous relationships and talk about your experiences to your current partner, they'll use those insecurities to control you. Of course, not every partner is manipulative, and you won't know their true intentions until you've been dating them for a while. Some folks will show you their true colors within the first few dates.

No one will openly say they're manipulative, but there are ways to tell if you think your partner is controlling. If you feel that you've changed and you're not feeling who you were before dating them, they might be dictating your behaviors and making you act a certain way. A manipulative partner will make decisions for you, such as telling you what you should eat and wear or who to hang out with. You'll want to rethink staying in that type of relationship. A loving partner won't try to control you; instead, they'll encourage you to be who you are.

How to talk to your partner instead of looking through their phone

While it's never okay to look through your partner's phone, there are some ways you can help ease your suspicions and calm your mind. For instance, talk to your partner about how you're feeling and be direct about what's making you feel that way. If you don't have any evidence to support your claims, then there shouldn't be anything making you doubt your partner. Before snooping through your partner's messages and emails, ask yourself, "Will this make me feel better? What will this accomplish?" Then, you might be able to talk yourself out of it.

On the other hand, if you feel that you can't fully trust your partner, open up about your doubts about them or decide if you want to stay with them or end your relationship. You'll continue to wonder what's going on in your partner's life if you never ask them. When you decide to speak with your partner, be confident and direct with how you feel. Don't sugarcoat your feelings, and stay true to your beliefs. A caring partner will reassure you and discuss your feelings without judging you.