Warning: If A Man Has To Tell You He's A 'Good Guy,' It Might Be A Red Flag
Most women who date men look for a good, dependable guy when swiping through matches and meeting up on first dates. A guy who is kind, gentle, and loving is, unsurprisingly, the same type of person that would generally make a good long-term partner (as opposed to, say, the "bad boy" type or an emotionally unavailable player).
However, not every "good guy" is really that great — especially when he boasts about how nice he is and how he's "not like other guys." Meet the toxic good guy. He's similar to a pick-me boy (the male version of the pick-me girl), with an added dose of nice guy syndrome. The toxic good guy might try to convince you that he's a real catch, but lurking beneath his claims are relationship-wrecking insecurities and seriously destructive habits. Here's why you should be skeptical about any man who openly praises himself for being virtuous.
He could be a people pleaser
It's not unusual to be turned off by someone who is too nice. Still, you might consider giving an overly nice "good guy" another chance — after all, shouldn't you be looking for someone who's generous and easy to get along with? Spoiler: Your gut feeling is often right. "Most of us want someone who we can imagine being a kind partner or parent in the future," Erika Davian, a dating coach for men, explained to PopSugar. "But when someone is too nice, it conveys a lack of boundaries. It may be a signal that they are not taking care of themselves and their own needs first."
Being overly nice is typical among people pleasers, who want nothing more than to win you over. Someone who claims to be a "good guy" may see their people-pleasing tendencies positively, believing that, deep down, every woman really wants a man who will put her on a pedestal. In reality, people-pleasing often leads to stress and relationship problems. If a guy brags about being such a "good" partner, take it as a sign that he might be trying too hard to please you, even at the expense of himself and, ultimately, the relationship.
A 'good guy' might be trying to manipulate you
A "good guy" who acts like a doormat is already bad enough, but some guys use their "goodness" in much more sinister ways. People with high levels of narcissism may see themselves as being superior to others and worthy of admiration, per WebMD. For some men, that could translate to them believing they're exceptionally kind and deserving of other people's love. However, as is typical with many narcissists, this can be used to manipulate romantic partners. For example, a toxic good guy may gaslight a woman who calls out his bad behavior, convincing her that he's too nice to have done anything wrong.
Unfortunately, this pattern is nothing new. Harvard Business Review notes that companies and institutions may also be quick to forgive "good guys" who are accused of sexual harassment, discounting survivors' experiences. Remember, you don't have to give anyone a pass for behavior that makes you feel uncomfortable — no matter how "good" or "nice" they say they are.
If you or anyone you know has been a victim of sexual assault, help is available. Visit the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network website or contact RAINN's National Helpline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).
He may believe he's entitled to you
A man who sees himself as a special breed of "good guy" may think, whether consciously or not, that he should be rewarded for his good deeds. He believes that as long as he's a total gentleman, he's entitled to you and your affection. Psychology Today explains that many people who pride themselves on being nice have high expectations, assuming that other people — especially the people they date — will appreciate them and reciprocate their self-sacrificing ways.
This entitlement can quickly turn to resentment when toxic good guys don't get what they want. They may become passive-aggressive or even demanding if you don't accept their advances or commit to a relationship together. If you're dating this type of man, you might start to wonder if he's right, asking yourself, "Am I being unappreciative," or, "Am I too picky?" In these cases, remind yourself that love is never something that people earn for being nice — it's something that's given without coercion or pressure.
Actions speak louder than words
Before you start thinking that good guys are like unicorns (read: literally impossible to find in real life), it's worth pointing out that genuinely kind, trustworthy partners do exist — but they generally don't tell you they're "one of the good ones." Instead, they embody the traits of a good person through their actions. As Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University, pointed out to Verywell Mind, trust takes time to build, and it relies a lot more on actions than words. "When your partner's actions are not aligned with their words, you will begin to learn that they are not trustworthy. Repeated violations or consistent hurtful behaviors erode trust," she shared.
Even if a man seems nice to you, notice how he treats other people. Is he kind to the waitstaff at restaurants? Does he speak fondly of the people in his life? Does he show empathy toward others from all walks of life and not just those who are similar to him? If he's warm to you but cold to others, take it as a red flag.