Mistakes To Avoid When Your BFF Has A Baby (Because Preserving Friendships Is Worth It)
The most beautiful of life-changing events, like bringing a child into the world, can shake up just about every aspect of existence. Going from bar-hopping to stroller shopping can easily put a few strides between even the closest of friends. But if your bestie chooses motherhood and you don't, it certainly doesn't have to mean that your friendship now has an expiration date.
There will be a learning curve to navigating the new nature of your relationship as your daily lives will undeniably be incredibly different; but, when a bond is strong enough, rather than being broken by the addition of a baby, the little bundle could have the potential to bring you even closer. Understanding potential mistakes you could accidentally make with your BFF before they actually happen could save you both a lot of loss. Here are some of the common mistakes you should avoid in order to preserve your friendship once a baby enters the picture.
Not remaining flexible and understanding
It's key to remember that parenthood is full of seasons, and the newborn season is literally all-consuming. Your best friend's life will look drastically different for the first couple of months after the baby arrives — and, honestly, for the first couple of years. In the early days, anything beyond visiting your friend in her home is not super realistic. Becoming a parent is its own kind of rebirth — as they say when the baby is born so is the mother. Understand that your BFF may be distracted, sleep deprived, and unable to focus on much else other than her baby. This stage won't last forever though! Do your best to nourish her with care, food, and presence. New parents need support above all else.
Once your friend is making her way out of the "fourth trimester" — or the first three months after giving birth — walks through the park and coffee dates with baby in tow are about what you can expect in terms of hang-outs. You may be missing your late nights out and weekend getaways with your best friend, but understand that this is not the time to put any pressure on her about the past. Getting out of the house with a newborn is a huge activity on its own and she needs support and flexibility from those who love her.
Not communicating your personal needs
Once some time has passed since the baby's arrival, it would be more appropriate to communicate your longing for connection with your best friend. She may very well be longing for the same. If you feel that an accomplishment or challenge in your life has been put on the back burner due to a large event in your friend's life, you could ask for some time to talk about what you're going through. Chances are, she'll very much want to be there for you — especially if you've been supportive of her in the postpartum stage.
While it may be tempting to request that the baby doesn't come along for your bonding time, try leaving that choice up to her. It can be more stressful than restorative for some moms to leave their little one with a sitter, especially if she's breastfeeding. Implement your flexible state of mind and welcome the new season of your friendship. You could even offer to wear the baby in a carrier while you two go on a walk, showing your support. You may even find yourself loving the new baby in ways you hadn't expected. Your BFF created new life and feeling a special bond with the little one could very well happen.
Making body-image comments
This may seem like an obvious one, but it's worth reiterating. Bringing new life into the world is a big deal, one that very much changes a mother's body, and that's a beautiful thing. You'll likely notice that your best friend's body is different than it was before she got pregnant and the only comment that needs to be made is how lovely she looks. Weight, dark under-eye circles, messy hair, and milk-soaked shirts — none of it needs mentioning. She is likely well aware and doing her very best to keep her little one thriving and healthy. Try instead to compliment her efforts as a mother; and, of course, mention how cute the baby is.
If your friend is expressing insecurities about her appearance after having a baby, simply restate how beautiful she is and the huge task she has undertaken. If she'd like to formulate a plan to make shifts with her appearance, then you can certainly help her do so — whether it's figuring out a morning routine that would allow her to do her hair and makeup or engaging in activities together to encourage fitness — when the time is right.
Not expanding your circle when your needs aren't met
If you've been patient, understanding, and compassionate and still feel that the friendship is too out of balance to be fulfilling to you, it may be time to reach out to others who are in the same stage of life. This certainly doesn't mean severing the relationship with your BFF is necessary, but getting your needs met elsewhere may be a reality that must be faced. There's also a possibility that your friend's social circle has expanded to include other new moms and playdates, so making plans with your child-free friends to go out and engage in the late-night activities your friend can't join you in right now is a wise choice.
Chances are you'll find yourself refreshed and less frustrated that your BFF can't go out with you if you have new friends to venture out on the town with. The baby coffee dates and strolls outside may even be something you look forward to now since your need is being met in another way.
Comparing career and family
It may be difficult to understand your friend's new goals in life — especially if you were both career-driven prior to her choice to become a mother. But people shift and evolve over time and choosing to start a family is just as valid as prioritizing a career. It's perfectly okay for you to be on different life paths, and encouraging one another's joy is what true friendship is all about.
If you find that she isn't respecting your career goals as being worthy in comparison to building a family, then that's another conversation that needs to be had. Friends support one another, even when their aspirations are completely different. You may not understand her desire to mother a child — and she may not understand your choice to stay child-free — but any comments about what she might be accomplishing in her career had she not chosen motherhood will only put a wall between the two of you, as will any comment from her about what you might be missing out on by not having children. Everyone is called to embody something in life, and friendship can still work even if you're on differing roads.