Good News: People Aren't Paying As Much Attention To You As You Think
Unless you love being the center of attention, thinking about how you are being perceived by other people can feel exhausting. This is especially true at times when you feel embarrassed or vulnerable, such as entering a room and tripping in front of everyone or going out with a stain on your shirt and not realizing it until you get home. What about when you wave back to someone only to find out they weren't waving to you at all? Or accidentally saying "love you" instead of "thank you" to the grocery clerk. In those moments, it feels like all eyes are on you, like a blinding spotlight is following your every move. But as it turns out, you're most likely overestimating how many people are actually paying attention to and remembering your slip-ups.
You are certainly not alone in this feeling. In fact, there's actually a psychological explanation. It's known as the spotlight effect, a phenomenon in which we feel like we're being watched or judged a lot more than we really are, causing us to feel embarrassed or self-conscious. This way of thinking can make us harder on ourselves than we need to be, worsening our anxieties and getting in the way of our happiness. Let's dive into exactly what this means and how we can dim this spotlight a bit.
The spotlight effect explained
The spotlight effect was first examined by psychologists in a study published by the American Psychological Association in 2000. Participants were asked to wear embarrassing images on their t-shirts and estimate how many people noticed. When asked how many people they thought noticed and remembered what was on their shirts, the participants highly overestimated. In another part of the study, participants held a group discussion and those who shared their thoughts, whether they were positive or negative, believed that others in the group paid more attention to their comments than they really did. This research helped provide evidence for the way we often feel like people are paying more attention to us than they actually are.
In psychology, the spotlight effect is an example of a cognitive distortion, which we can all fall into from time to time. These are the irrational and negative thoughts that are often rooted in false perceptions of the world around us. Specifically, the spotlight effect is a type of egocentric bias, which "skews the way we see things by causing us to rely too heavily on our own perspectives, rather than adjusting to take other viewpoints into account," according to experts at The Decision Lab, an applied research and innovation lab. We are programmed to be focused on our own experiences and we often think people see things the same way we do. We're constantly in our own thoughts, so it's normal to feel like there's a spotlight shining on us at all times.
The spotlight effect and social anxiety
The spotlight effect can feel especially intense for those with anxiety disorders, especially social anxiety. People with social anxiety are often extremely aware of their actions and words, afraid of being judged by others. Constantly feeling like you're being watched or criticized can be paralyzing, causing you to want to avoid other people. We might miss out on opportunities because we're overthinking and worried about what people think of us.
Psychologists have studied the spotlight effect in relation to social anxiety. In a 2007 study published in the "Journal of Anxiety Disorders," researchers gathered a sample of college students with moderate to high levels of social anxiety and asked them to complete a memory exercise. One group of participants was told that they were being recorded and evaluated by experts, while another group was given the same task, but they were being secretly recorded. The participants who knew they were being evaluated and recorded reported higher levels of the spotlight effect. These findings help to explain how the spotlight effect heightens social anxiety and how we often feel self-conscious when we feel we're being watched by others.
Only you know how nervous you are
Have you ever given a speech or presentation and felt like everyone could totally see how nervous or awkward you were? Then, when you express that to people afterward, someone reassures you and says, "You were fine, I couldn't even tell!" Or, as another example, maybe you were feeling down while with a group of friends, but no one asked you if you were alright, even though you felt like you were obviously sad. Closely related to the spotlight effect, this is another phenomenon known as the illusion of transparency.
The illusion of transparency is when we overestimate the level at which our thoughts and feelings are known to others around us, according to Healthline. When we assume we know what others are thinking about us, this can intensify the spotlight effect even more. But most of the time, everyone is focused on their own thoughts and worries. Even when you think you can tell what someone is feeling, you aren't a mind reader. The only thoughts you can control are your own.
You are often your worst critic
These cognitive distortions are some of the ways the mind can play tricks on us. Constantly feeling like you're under the spotlight or being disapproved by others can make you feel less confident about yourself. You might stand in your own way for opportunities and success because you're afraid of what other people are thinking. We might not feel deserving of our successes and accomplishments, leading to imposter syndrome in our relationships, careers, and hobbies.
On the other side of the coin, the spotlight effect can sometimes give us an ego boost only to let us down right after. When we think everyone noticed something positive we did, we feel great, but in reality, they might not have paid as close attention as we wanted them to. That's why it's important to take pride in your own victories, even without the external validation of others. Be your own cheerleader, rather than your own worst enemy.
How to combat the spotlight effect
The first step in overcoming the spotlight effect is being aware of its existence. It's comforting to know that most of the time, everyone is too busy in their own worlds to remember a silly mistake you made. Most likely, they're having their own spotlight effect moment and are worried how you're perceiving them. When you step out of your own perspective and remember that people have different viewpoints than you, it takes some of the weight off your shoulders.
When you feel that bright light shining on you, remind yourself that there are fewer eyes on you than you think. If someone does see you slip up, it's okay to have a sense of humor about it and laugh it off. Most of the time, they're going to forget within the next hour and go on about their day.
If you feel like the spotlight effect is truly getting in the way of living your life and causing severe anxiety, it's best to seek help from a mental health professional who can help you learn to show yourself self-love.