Is Relationship Hopping A Bad Habit That You Need To Break?
"Please stop relationship hopping. Just go take time to unlearn all the toxic habits and insecurities from your previous relationships before you go shove them down your new relationship. Take time and heal." Those are the harsh words of wisdom shared in a viral tweet by content creator Kandon Dortch, and he might have a point. Relationship hopping — alternatively known as "serial monogamy" or "rebounding" after a breakup, where you jump into a relationship shortly (or even immediately) after another one ends — can seem attractive when you're in the throes of heartbreak. There's even the cheeky saying, "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone." If you're newly single and looking for love, why waste any time getting to know someone new?
Relationship hopping can become a habit where no matter how many breakups you've experienced, you might look back on your dating history and realize you've barely spent any time on your own. This can be a bad thing, both for your love life and your emotional well-being. If you channel your inner bunny every time a relationship fizzles out, hopping from one partner to the next, here's why it might be time to change your ways.
The downsides of hopping between relationships
Jumping between relationships might seem harmless, especially if you feel like you're genuinely in love again. However, not taking a time-out could spoil your new relationship. "If you go into another relationship quickly after [a painful breakup] — within a couple of weeks or even a couple of months — that trauma has been wired into [your] brain circuitry and [you'll] see the new relationship through a similar lens and have a hard time trusting," Dr. Danielle Forshee, a psychologist and social worker who specializes in relationship and marriage counseling, revealed to Cosmopolitan.
Even if your split wasn't traumatic, it's a good idea to pause before pursuing a new romance. "It's really important for a person to have closure, and a healthy understanding of what happened in the relationship," clinical psychologist Dr. Rebekah Montgomery told Bustle. "You should have a balanced perspective of why things didn't work out, as well as one that incorporates new information you have learned about yourself." This process can take time, and skipping this step might mean you'll repeat the problems you had in your previous relationships with your new boo.
Stopping the serial monogamy cycle also gives you a chance to get to know yourself better. Pursuing your own interests and forming your own opinions — without feeling the need to cross-check them with a partner — can be transformative, especially if you're used to being coupled up. No matter your relationship status, your relationship with yourself should always come first.
What to do before jumping into a new relationship
If you sense that relationship hopping isn't serving you but you haven't broken the habit yet, it's a good idea to pinpoint the underlying cause. According to PsychCentral, relationship hopping might actually illuminate deeper struggles that require your attention, like low self-esteem, codependent patterns, conflict avoidance, and a fear of abandonment. In some cases, it can also be a symptom of a treatable mental health condition, such as borderline personality disorder or obsessive-compulsive disorder. Consider speaking with a therapist, especially if you often find yourself in toxic relationships.
You can also lean on other (read: non-romantic) coping strategies to help you embrace (and, on difficult days, simply survive) your single girl era. Spend extra time with friends and loved ones, take a solo trip à la "Eat Pray Love," or take up an exciting new hobby.
And if you do find yourself getting googly-eyed for someone new, ask yourself: Do I want to date them as a way to escape unhappiness or to add to an already happy life? If you're still grieving your past relationship, sit with the discomfort for a little longer. Once this phase has passed — and it will — you'll thank yourself for not hopping into another relationship too soon.