11 Indicators That Moving For A Partner Isn't Smart For You
You love your partner. You're excited to discover where it may lead. But there's a catch. If you want to be with them for the duration, then you may need to relocate. Perhaps it's because they're moving for a new job, or maybe they've always lived away, and the long-distance relationship thing is growing weary.
Whatever the reason why you might find yourself choosing to relocate for your love, the rationale is understandable. After all, being in a loving and healthy relationship is one of the best things you can do for your physical, mental, and emotional health.
Unfortunately, though, not all relationships are created equal. While there are some healthy, happy relationships that are worth relocating for, the hard truth is that some just aren't. And making such a life-changing decision for the wrong reasons can take a terrible toll. The good news, though, is that you don't have to make the decision blindly. There are signs you can watch for to indicate that it's not a smart idea to move for a man. We'll show you some of the most telling of these.
Your partner didn't ask you to move with them
One of the first and most important signs to watch out for, of course, is whether or not they asked you to move with them. If your partner didn't ask you to go with them, that's a pretty clear signal that their intentions are likely not the same as yours.
This is the time to have a frank discussion about where the relationship is going before you decide to uproot your life. While you may be thinking in terms of a house, marriage, and kids, their vision may be far different. Perhaps they've assumed you wouldn't go with them; perhaps they didn't want you to feel pressured to make such a commitment, or, on the other hand, maybe they're looking forward to a little distance and some measure of independence for a while.
This is why, before you decide to uproot your own life, you might take a pause to see if your relationship can endure long-distance dating for a while. This can be a great way to determine whether your relationship truly has staying power. And that, ultimately, can help you feel more confident when the time comes to either commit or move on.
You're moving to resolve your relationship problems
If your relationship has hit a rocky patch, it can make you do some pretty reckless and desperate things, and relocating may be one of them. But if you're having trouble in your relationship, it's unrealistic to think that moving with your partner is going to be the answer. It's far more likely that the stressors of relocating, especially if you've never lived together, will only exacerbate your relationship problems.
Moving to a new city is, in and of itself, one of life's greatest stressors. After all, you're without everything that is known and familiar. You're physically cut off from your hometown friends and perhaps even your family. Chances are, you're also trying to adjust to a new workplace. It's a lot.
But all those pressures are just the beginning because you may also be living with your partner for the first time as well. That's tough, especially for a relationship that's already having problems. Studies show that cohabitating couples often have increased conflict and may be at an increased risk of separating during this initial adjustment phase unless they have some pretty robust support (per the Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy). That means that, instead of saving the relationship, relocating may well speed its demise.
Your relationship hasn't weathered any storms
Before you decide to relocate for a man, it's a good idea to consider whether your relationship has been tested and proven durable. If you and your partner have enjoyed a fairly idyllic relationship thus far, that's not necessarily a good sign when it comes to the question of relocating. That's because metal sharpens metal.
Couples who have endured hard times and come through them united and stronger than before are more likely to be able to hold steadfast once again in the future. Tough times are, ultimately, a test of your mettle not only as individuals but as partners. But when you've not yet walked through fires together, you really can't be too sure what your partnership is made of.
And so, if you're going to undertake such a dramatic life change, it's important to be sure that you have pretty clear evidence that your relationship can and will endure. Life is challenging, after all, and sooner or later, you and your partner will face difficult times. It's important to know that your relationship is one that is enlarged, not diminished, by hardship. If your relationship is new or still untouched by hard times, that's a pretty clear indication that it's a bit too new and untested and that you could well be rushing into your relationship.
You never considered relocating before
Some people are born with wanderlust. Some people are restless. The thought of discovering a new town, a new way of life, and a new community of friends and neighbors is thrilling for them. But for others, there's just no place like home, and peace, security, and contentment reside where they're already planted, among that which is known and familiar.
And if you're among the latter, it may be that you're just not going to be happy in another city, no matter how strong your relationship is. This is important because your needs matter, and a loving partner will care about them as much as they care about their own. The reality is you can't force yourself to be happy if you're just not suited to a place, and you shouldn't be expected to try.
So it's important to think about where you have to draw the line and where you're being asked to give up too much. That doesn't mean, of course, that it's impossible to be happy in a new city and to learn to adjust and find just as much joy in your new home as in your old one. But only you can know whether it's feasible, worth trying, and worth the effort, or if the disruption to your life is too great a sacrifice. These questions may lead to some difficult conversations and even more difficult decisions, but they're essential.
You don't feel like a priority
Let's face it: If you're going to move for your man, they'd better be worth it. The value they add to your life should outweigh all you're going to have to give up. And that's why it's important to ask yourself whether your partner makes you feel special, important, and valued. You'll want to consider whether you truly feel like a priority in your partner's life.
If there's any doubt at all, then it's probably not wise to uproot your own life to be with them. If, for instance, they made the decision to relocate without even discussing the possibility with you and involving you in the decision, that's a big red flag. If they simply take for granted that you're going with them without first having a pretty intense discussion about how you feel and what you want, then putting on the brakes is a smart move.
And if your partner isn't willing to listen, communicate, and empathize with you when you ask questions or share your concerns, that could foreshadow troubles to come after the move. If you're a priority in your partner's life, then they'll prove it by making every effort to ensure you're going to feel supported, happy, and secure in your new life and home.
You're feeling pressured
The decision to relocate is a difficult one. It's not something to be entered into lightly, and it's certainly not something that you should be coerced to do. That's why, if you're feeling forced to choose between relocating or losing the relationship, you should probably think twice. Healthy relationships aren't about manipulation or compulsion. They're about cooperation and compromise.
So, if you're feeling put on the spot about the move, talk to your partner. Share your feelings. A partner worth changing your life so drastically for is one who's not going to try to control or command you. They're someone who will respect your feelings, care about your needs, and support your autonomy.
Communicating with your partner also helps ensure you're both on the same page. Your partner may not even realize the amount of stress they're putting on you, and they won't unless you express your feelings clearly. But if, after you've shared your feelings, your partner isn't willing to work with you to find a solution that works for both of you, that's a problem. After all, if your partner is trying to force you into doing something you're not ready for or do not want, they're probably not the right person for you.
You don't trust your partner
Relationships are built on trust. That's not news. What may be surprising, though, is the outsized importance of trust when you're determining whether or not to relocate for your man. If you don't feel truly confident in the strength of your relationship and the reliability of your partner, then moving with or for them is probably not a good idea.
Deciding to relocate for a relationship is inevitably a leap of faith, and it's essential that you feel confident that your partner will be your safety net and that they'll be there to catch you if you start to fall. After all, it's an enormous life change, and until you settle in, your partner is going to be your primary, if not your only, support system in your new town.
So, it's a good idea to take an inventory of your relationship. Consider whether your partner has shown that they're willing and able to empathize with your feelings, to be a comfort and help when you're feeling down or simply need support. If your partner makes you feel known and seen, safe and supported, then the odds are good that they'll be there to help you as you settle into your new town. On the other hand, if your partner makes you feel lonely and insecure, relocating is likely to only make matters worse.
You and your partner don't communicate well
We've already seen how vital it is to communicate with your partner when you're weighing whether or not to move with them. How they respond to your questions, concerns, and fears is key to figuring out whether relocating is a smart move for you.
But if you're not able to communicate well with your partner and if you're not good at working together to solve problems, then upending your life just to be with them can be a recipe for disaster. Relocating to a new city is an inherently stressful life event, and when you combine that with the challenges of moving in with a partner for the first time, issues will arise that you never would have imagined. If you don't have the ability to communicate and collaborate effectively, your relationship may well not survive.
Communication is the cornerstone of healthy, happy, and enduring relationships. If you and your partner have a strong pattern of communicating that is open, supportive, collaborative, and goal-oriented, then you're going to be better able to solve problems and weather tough times together. However, if your communication style is aggressive, hostile, or conflict-driven, or if, on the other hand, you and your partner scarcely talk at all and rarely work together to address challenges in your life and relationship, that's a red flag. You would probably do well to work on those skills before you make such a drastic change in your life.
Your values don't align
They say that opposites attract and, to be sure, there are some advantages to being with a partner who is your antithesis. There's much learning to be done and much personal growth to be found in building intimacy with someone who is quite different from you. Plus, it can be a fun and exciting challenge!
But there's a caveat. The healthiest, strongest, and most enduring relationships, in general, are the ones that are based on a shared set of core values. Without these essential beliefs to serve as the foundation of your life together, there's very little to anchor you and very little you and your partner can cling to when times get tough. Your values, after all, are your north star. They give life purpose, direction, and meaning, and when your partner's value system doesn't match, or at least complement, your own, the odds are good that sooner or later, an irreconcilable conflict will come, or else you'll simply find yourselves drifting apart.
This is why, in order to determine whether a relationship is worth relocating for, it's important to consider your partner's worldview and how it matches your own. While no one can expect their partner to see eye to eye with them on absolutely everything, of course, a shared sense of core values, beliefs, and goals is imperative for a lasting (and happy) relationship.
Your (shared) financial house isn't in order
Finances are one of the greatest sources of conflict, even in the happiest of relationships. They're also a leading cause of divorce, according to the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts. This is why, if you and your partner have never even discussed the matter of sharing finances, that may be a problem and a good sign that moving to be with them isn't a smart idea, at least for the moment.
So, before you commit to relocating, take some time to get your shared financial house in order. Have an open and honest conversation about your current financial status, your past history, and your future goals. Learn about one another's spending and saving habits. Above all, work together to devise a short-term and long-range financial plan that satisfies you both.
This should include a plan for addressing the "financial implications" of moving in together, which, according to Forbes, can be pretty significant. For instance, you might want to think about whether you and your partner will have separate or shared bank accounts or a shared household account. This process doesn't just make good financial sense; it's also a great way to test whether relocating is the wise choice for you. If you and your partner can't create a smart financial strategy that benefits you both and enables you to work together toward your shared goals, then taking a chance on relocating probably isn't a good idea.
You don't have a plan
When you decide to move to a new city for your partner, that's a pretty clear signal that you and your man expect the relationship to go the distance. But if you and your partner have never actually discussed your long-term plans, that may be a warning sign. This is especially true if you've tried to broach the topic only to find your partner being evasive, vague, or non-committal.
Talk with your partner to ensure you're on the same page in regard to where you see your lives going, both as individuals and as a couple. It's also helpful to ensure you have a workable plan for making that vision of your shared future a reality. This would include creating a strategy for helping you both to settle in and start building the shared life you dream of in your new city. So, before you decide to relocate for your relationship, it's important to do your homework.
If you're giving up your job and leaving your friends and family, but you have no prospects for finding meaningful work, a robust social support system, and a comfortable community in the new town, then you may well be giving up too much, and that can lead to resentment and worse in your relationship. So, take a breath before you move forward without a plan. And if your partner doesn't enthusiastically engage in this, then you've got a big clue that maybe they're not worth it.