What Is Emotional Regulation & How Can You Improve Your Own? Let's Break It Down

Emotions are a universal truth; every person on earth experiences them. You may have noticed, however, that some people seem to have the ability to remain calm and rational no matter what type of emotion they happen to be feeling. That ability to identify, manage, and rationally respond to your own emotions is known as emotional regulation. Some people — particularly those with high emotional intelligence, which is especially important in relationships — are naturally more capable of regulating their own emotions than others.

Fortunately, emotional regulation is a skill that can be learned by anyone willing to put in the work and patience required. With practice and healthy coping mechanisms, you can develop the awareness needed to regulate your own emotions. If you struggle with regulating your emotions, you might find yourself embarrassed or even shamed when you lose control of your behavior. You are not alone. Consider this guide the starting point for your emotional regulation journey. 

When emotions become difficult or uncomfortable, it's natural to turn to coping mechanisms to move through them. The important question to ask yourself is whether the coping mechanism you're turning to is healthy or unhealthy. A healthy coping mechanism helps you to move the sensations associated with a difficult emotion through your body and your mind. This might look like running, crying, journaling, practicing somatic breathwork, or meditating.

An unhealthy coping mechanism is more about numbing the unpleasant emotion than processing it. Common unhealthy coping mechanisms include suppressing your emotions, abusing drugs or alcohol, self-harming, and indulging in violent outbursts. Anger is a secondary emotion that often covers up a primary emotion that is too painful to process such as fear, shame, or abandonment. Lashing out in an angry or violet manner as a quick release is common for people who haven't yet learned how to regulate their emotions, even though the behavior does not address the primary emotion at play. 

If you typically just blindly react to your emotions and have never taken the time to identify, acknowledge, and process them, you might not even know where to begin. It can be helpful to keep in mind that emotions are often referred to as feelings because they originate as physical sensations felt in the body. Becoming aware of how different emotions feel in your body can help you learn to recognize what you're feeling before you react impulsively.

As soon as you recognize that you're experiencing a challenging emotion or that you've encountered a potentially triggering situation, mentally scan your body for sensations. Start with your toes and move up your body, asking yourself how each region feels. Do your knees feel weak or shaky? Is your stomach in knots? Does your neck or back feel tense? What did it indicate the last time you noticed yourself feeling these sensations? Everyone experiences emotions differently. Knowing where they manifest in your body can help you understand what you're experiencing earlier in the process, which gives you a better opportunity to regulate. 

No matter how intense the emotion you're experiencing may feel, you always have a choice when it comes to the way you behave. Once you've learned how to regulate your nervous system and identify the primary emotion at the core of what you're feeling, the choice in how you respond will become clearer. Where you once would have lashed out or lost control, you may now see that you have two clear avenues available to you.

For example, you can disrupt a meeting at work when you feel slighted by your boss in front of your coworkers. Or, you can mentally acknowledge what you're feeling, remain composed, and send a private, professionally-worded email when you return to your desk. There is always a choice, and mastering emotional regulation allows you to step back enough to see and acknowledge that choice. While it might seem to the people around you as if you're suppressing or bypassing your emotions, you're actually choosing to acknowledge and express them in the healthiest, most productive manner possible.