The Benefits Of Bonding With Your Friends' Friends To Forge Closer Connections
There might not be a magic number when it comes to how many friends you should have in your circle. Still, many of us could probably use a few more pals. According to the Survey Center on American Life, 49% of Americans reported having four or more close friends in 2021, compared to 71% in 1990. Relatedly, a 2023 advisory by the U.S. Surgeon General underscored the rise of loneliness and the decline of social connection in recent years.
If you can relate to the struggles of trying to find your people, the last thing you probably want to hear is to just put yourself out there. But here's the thing: Potential friends might already exist in your network. Chances are, your bestie or even a casual acquaintance knows someone you'd hit it off with. With this in mind, Danielle Bayard, a friendship coach and author, told Better by Today that tapping into your network could be the key to expanding your circle. "Who are the people you sometimes see at the same parties and share mutual friends but never have one-on-one conversations?" Bayard said. "Start there first. So many times we think making new friends is about starting from scratch, but sometimes it's about going deeper with people you already know." Before long, your friend's friend could become part of your ride-or-die squad.
Why befriending your friend's pals makes sense
Creating new, lasting friendships as an adult can be tough when juggling work, studies, and time with your loved ones. Considering it takes around 140 hours to form a "good" friendship, per a 2019 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, it can seem impossible to form a deep connection with someone new. This can feel especially true when forging friendships with strangers on apps, for example. However, asking your friends to invite their buddies to your regular hangouts offers a shortcut, making it easier to rack up quality time together.
Similarly, proximity can explain why it might be easier to get close to your bestie's friend than someone not already in your life. According to the proximity principle, you're more likely to befriend the people you're regularly exposed to. In other words, by consistently tagging along to your friend's book club meetings or attending their tennis club's monthly parties, you could find your new BFF just by bumping into the same person repeatedly.
Finally, bonding with your friends' friends offers built-in trust that doesn't exist in most other new friendships. Having a friend vouch for someone you're unfamiliar with offers an element of security. Plus, you may be more likely to share the same values or interests that initially brought you and your bestie together. When adding someone new to your circle, these qualities can make all the difference.
Be mindful of 'friend poaching'
You may have heard of "mate poaching," where a person lures a friend's partner into a relationship, effectively ruining the friendship. Something similar can happen with "friend poaching," where someone gets so close to their friend's friend that they leave no room for the initial relationship to thrive. At best, it can turn one person into a third wheel, and at worst, the social group completely crumbles due to jealousy and betrayal. As Dr. Suzana E. Flores, a licensed clinical psychologist, explained to Glamour, "It almost feels like your friend is having an affair because a third person has entered the relationship, and then they end up excluding you from the friendship."
Even if you don't intend to "poach" your friends' friends, it might feel like that to them. Be upfront with your besties about your desire to make more friends, and ask if they have anyone they could introduce you to. Then, have an honest conversation about their boundaries and anything that would make them uncomfortable. If they want to be included in any girls' nights you plan with their friends, for instance, respect their request.
Finally, be sure to make time for your prior friendships just as you would have before. Making a new friend shouldn't require sacrificing an old one, as long as you give them each the time and attention they deserve.