Things You Should Never Say To Someone In A New Relationship

Watching a friend start a new relationship can stir up a flurry of emotions. Whether you're genuinely happy for them, worried they'll get their heart broken, or even a tad bit envious, one point is clear: some things are changing. Your BFF might not have as much time for Sunday brunch get-togethers anymore, and their new partner will likely become a frequent conversation topic when you're hanging out.


Experts confirm that romance impacts friendships. According to researcher Robin Dunbar, people lose an average of two friends when they start a new relationship (via The Guardian). So if it feels like your friend's new love is eclipsing the bond you once shared with them, it's probably not all in your head.

But how you react to your friend's relationship may be one factor in whether you stay close or grow apart. Respecting their love life can go a long way in preserving your friendship. To show that you're still there for them, even as they're a little busy with their new boo, avoid saying these five things to someone in a new relationship -– and learn what to say instead.

1. Do you think they're 'the one'?

Your friend recently broke the news that they're coupled up with a new partner, and you can't wait to show your support and excitement. In an attempt at proving just how seriously you take their new love, you might start asking if they think their partner is "the one" or if they see wedding bells down the road. However, asking a friend about the future of their relationship –- especially after it just started –- can feel like a lot of pressure. Dr. Meg-John Barker, a psychotherapist, told BBC that society places a lot of pressure on finding "the one," which can lead to unrealistic expectations early in a relationship. Not only that, but not everyone wants to date for the purpose of finding a marriage partner, so unless your friend has mentioned these milestones themselves, it's best to hold off on bringing them up.


And even if your friend is looking for the perfect match to settle down with, it's best to give them a chance to decide if their significant other is "the one" on their own timeline. After all, a study by eHarmony (via PR Newswire) showed that couples who take their time getting to know each other before saying "I do" tend to have happier relationships.

Instead of asking if your friend thinks their new relationship is destined for a happily-ever-after ending, stick to talking about the present and how things are currently going.

2. You're spending too much time on your relationship

One of the hardest adjustments after a friend starts a new relationship is accepting that they won't be as available as they once were. And when you're bored on a Saturday evening while they're having a romantic date night, it can trigger bitterness and even resentment. This can then lead to tense conversations about how you believe that they're spending too much time with their new partner -– and not enough time with you and your mutual squad.


But before diving off the deep end and hijacking their phone's calendar app, remember that your friend is just doing what people in love do. As Kate Leaver, author of "The Friendship Cure," told Mashable, "Romantic love has a way of making people ... neglect and forget their mates. ... It's just the way we've been programmed, really; to think of that sort of love as superior and therefore extremely important."

Avoid lecturing your friend about how they're choosing to spend their time. As their relationship develops, things will likely cool down, and they'll make time for regular hangs again. That doesn't mean you can't speak up about your needs for some quality time, though. Psychotherapist Susan Hepburn told Glamour UK, "You might not see each other as frequently as before, but as long as you make the effort to plan time together, your friendship will survive." Initiate an easygoing lunch or fun night out –- and occasionally invite their new boo along too.


3. When my partner and I were newly dating...

If you're in a relationship and watching your friend fall in love, you might be tempted to draw comparisons. For example, you might reminisce about when you were head over heels for your partner, who things have since calmed down with. Or you might even position your early relationship days as a model for how your friend's relationship should go, making remarks like, "When my relationship was fresh, my partner would always foot the bill. Your partner should too."


These comparisons may have good intentions, but they can be harmful to your friend's new relationship. Social psychologist and researcher Justin Buckingham discovered that comparing our intimate relationships to others can increase insecurity and dissatisfaction in those relationships. And while it's possible that your friend is internally weighing up her new relationship against yours (or others') anyway, adding fuel by drawing your own comparisons may only make your BFF feel worse. Not to mention, your relationship standards may be different from your friend's.

The one time when it can help, however, to compare relationships is when normalizing challenges. Relationship expert Esther Perel explained in a Cosmopolitan article, "Listening to a pal talk about her personal strife (such as how she coped when her partner began acting odd) can help normalize the way you feel about your current situation. It shifts your inner dialogue from a sense of defeat (Ugh, no one else is going through this) to relief that you're not alone."


4. They're not good enough for you

As a caring, protective friend, you want to look out for your BFF when they start dating someone new. And if you've realized that they've coupled up with someone who, well, isn't that great, you might think you're doing them a favor by letting them know. However, this can put your friend in a tough spot, where they have to manage a new relationship and a friend who doesn't approve of it. And in some cases, they may drift away from you to avoid facing criticism.


Life Coach Carol Ann Rice advised to Glamour UK, "In the event of a break-up or fight, resist jumping in and defaming [your friend's partner's] character ... Quite often relationships can start up again and that will leave you on the outs — especially if it becomes serious and long term."

It's also important to pinpoint exactly what you don't like about your friend's significant other. Relationship counselor Michelle Lin told ABC Everyday that there's a big difference between minor issues, like personality differences, and toxic behavior. If your friend's new partner seems abusive or controlling, gently confronting your friend -– or at least making yourself available when they're ready for help -– could be the support they need to leave the relationship.


If you or someone you know is dealing with domestic abuse, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233. You can also find more information, resources, and support at their website.

5. Nothing

While your friend is enjoying the honeymoon stage of a new relationship, it might seem like there's not much you can say without the conversation getting uncomfortable. That can be especially common if you're single or going through relationship troubles and unable to relate to your friend, who has practically morphed into the human form of a heart-eyes emoji. Or maybe you're feeling neglected and don't know how to respond to your friend's happiness.


However, saying nothing can sometimes be worse than saying the wrong thing. When your friend shares their excitement over their new love and you meet them with radio silence, they'll know that something's up. Voicing your feelings can clear the air and keep you two close, no matter your relationship statuses.

If you're envious of your friend or fearful that your friendship will fizzle out, psychotherapist Matt Lundquist told Insider to start by facing your feelings on your own. Then, if you're concerned about how these feelings will impact your friendship, communicate them with your friend to find a solution together. If you're feeling neglected in your friendship, psychologist Dr. Nilu Ahmed told Stylist, "You might feel vulnerable -– you might not want to tell your friend you've missed them or that you feel lonely but if they're a good friend they will understand that and reflect on their behaviour." For those thinking of bottling their feelings up, she added, "Good friendship will withstand that kind of honesty and openness."