12 Signs You're Rushing Into A Relationship & How To Take A Step Back
It's easy to rush into a relationship when you're convinced you've found the right person — but doing so means you're most likely not building your relationship on a strong foundation. You may be missing some of the fundamental parts of dating and taking your time, like the excitement of getting to know someone better. Or, you may be so infatuated with this person that you're ignoring red flags that may haunt you later.
There are many factors that cause us to move too fast in a relationship. If you've been friends with this person for a while before dating them, you may think it's okay to dive into a serious relationship; however, friendships are different than romantic relationships. There are more intimate things you may be missing cues on if you rush it. And, like many who get sick of playing the field, you could be rushing because you feel you're ready for a relationship now and don't want to wade through a sea of potential partners, so you tell yourself, "This one will do."
We're not saying you're necessarily settling, but what makes you so sure this person is the right one for you when you haven't taken time to really get to know them on a deeper level? You want things to work out, and you feel love blossoming — but is it too soon to start introducing this person to your parents? Here are 12 signs you're moving too fast and how to take a step back.
You want to spend all of your time with them
If you're filling up your calendar with dates with this special someone and avoiding everyone else in your life, you're definitely moving too fast. While it is okay to want to spend time with a new love interest so that you can get to know them, in healthy relationships, you still know how to give ample time to friends and family.
By canceling plans with the other important people in your life, you're telling them that they no longer mean as much to you as this person you just started seeing. While they may understand that you need this time to determine where this relationship is going, they're most like not going to wait forever to hang out with you again while you ignore them.
To slow down and make sure you're still giving your friends and family some of your attention, schedule time with them — and stick to the plans. Don't shirk family get-togethers or skip out on friends-night-out. Also, while you're with your friends and family, mentioning your budding relationship is okay, but don't let that topic monopolize entire conversations. Have some fun and let your new love fall to the back burner of your mind for a little while.
You're forgetting about yourself
Yes, family and friends are important, but so are you. When was the last time during this whirlwind romance that you took some time out for self-care or your personal hobbies? If you've been neglecting the things you once loved doing on your own, that could be a sign you're rushing too fast in this new relationship.
Your love interest shouldn't have a problem with you taking some "me time," whether it's to go shopping for a new outfit or to dig your paints back out to start getting your art on — and if they do, that's a sign this is not the right person for you.
If you work all week and spend your weekends with your date, consider taking a Sunday off from them and keep that day all to yourself. Do all the things you love to do alone — sleep in, have some hot tea while you read a steamy romance novel, soak in a bubble bath, play video games — whatever makes you happy, do it. There's always next weekend for snogging with your lover.
You're ignoring all the red flags
Let's talk about red flags — your love interest not wanting you to take time for yourself or other people in your life would be a big one. While it's easy to ignore things that would normally be dealbreakers when you're moving too fast in a relationship, you definitely want to slow down and take a look at the things that make you shake your head about this person.
If they're controlling you already, what do you think the relationship will look like when you move in together? When you do something they don't like, do they get angry quickly and irately talk at you about it while putting you down? Do they try to manipulate you into doing things you don't really want to do?
These are all red flags; if you see them, it may be time to call things off. Consider making a list of things you want and don't want in a partner and then compare them to what you're getting so far from this one. Look at past relationships and what didn't make those work.
Everything about them seems perfect
Perhaps you still can't see those red flags because you're too busy looking at the relationship through rose-colored glasses — and through them, those flags are invisible. You see this perfect person and are ignoring all of their flaws. We all have flaws, and while they don't have to be dealbreakers, we do need to acknowledge them. At some point, those glasses will fall off, and you'll see the things you missed; but it's helpful to take them off early before you move too far into a relationship that may not be right for you.
It's essential to see them for who they are, not who you want them to be. You wouldn't be the first person to idealize a potential partner and rush into something with someone you saw all wrong. That's why slowing down and getting to know them is important. Play 20 questions, ask about their feelings, talk about your pet peeves, and look for the things they do that irk you. Remember, nobody is perfect, and some imperfections are fine, but it's best to see them first before you fully commit to something that may be more than you can handle.
You already want to see them and only them
If you've only been on a couple of dates, it's far too soon to be too committed. Consider going on five or six dates minimum before you make things official. Those dates should be spread out a bit so you have time to chat and get to know each other via text or social media. If you spend the weekend together, that's one date, not two. Why rush?
If it's time to slow things down, consider making plans to date around a bit to help determine if this is the right person to make you monogamous. Talk to your current dating partner and let them know you want to go out on a couple of dates with other people just to be sure you're moving in the right direction.
While it's okay to set boundaries for these dates (like no heading back to their place for a nightcap), if your potential partner says they don't like the idea at all, this could be another red flag. They're possibly trying to control you, especially if it's still very early on. Going on a few dates can be innocent, and if they can't see it that way, that could lead to issues in the future when you want to spend time with friends.
You're making future plans without a solid commitment
If you clicked with this person after just a couple of dates, it's easy to find yourself wanting to spend all your time with them. But if you're already making plans for months or even years down the road, you're moving too fast. You two don't really even know each other yet; there's no reason to start planning next year's vacation with them when you don't know if you'll be together in a month.
To slow down, put off the plans that are further than a week out until you've been dating for a few months. Though we never know what will happen between today and tomorrow, and even a happy long-term relationship can fall apart suddenly, there's no reason to get your hopes up about a dream vacation to Ireland with this person until you're both absolutely on the same page and know that traveling with this person would be fun rather than stressful.
You're addicted to them
If you have to message them regularly, check their social media every hour, and freak out if you don't hear back from them quickly, you probably have a love addiction. Being addicted to someone is not the same as being in love. Love allows us to have healthy boundaries, while addiction causes us to throw boundaries out the window. If you're spending every waking moment thinking about this person, you need to step back. Our addictions can mess up our careers, friendships, and lives — even when we're addicted to people.
There are a few things you can do to help curb this need to think about (and be with) this person all the time. Start by letting them know you need a little time off because you feel like you're getting too connected too soon, then take a social media break, put the phone away for a few hours, and give your attention to other things. Find something to do that puts your mind entirely on the task so you just don't have time to let your thoughts slip to this person you're so obsessed with. We also recommend meditation as a way to find balance and clear your mind.
You want to cohabitate before you even spend a weekend together
You've been on a couple of dates, things seem to be going well, and your lease is almost up. Your date has a spare room and says, "Hey, you can just move in with me." If this doesn't throw up a myriad of red flags, you're moving too fast. You'll likely know when you're ready to move in with a partner — and if that feeling comes after the first few dates, it's time to take a step back.
Perhaps you're the one that brought up cohabitating, but why? If you want to move in because this relationship is amazing and you hear wedding bells in your future, that's one thing (and still moving too fast). But if you think it's a good idea because it'll save you money, you'll be able to see this person every day, and you love the idea of playing house together, it's probably not the best idea you've had.
While there are no set rules on when a couple should move in together, you definitely want to make sure you've done the proper prep work beforehand — like discussed finances, set boundaries, talked about it extensively, and have high hopes for your future that aren't based on lust and addiction to one another. Make a list of pros and cons and weigh the odds before signing that lease.
You just want to replace an ex
If your ex is still on your mind, and you're trying to push forward in a new relationship, it may be too soon. If you were with your ex for years, you definitely want to take some time off before moving on. A year is a reasonable amount of time to process your feelings for your ex and truly move on. That doesn't mean you can't casually dip your toes in the dating pool for that entire year, but you shouldn't be looking to get into something serious until you're sure you've moved on. If you're inclined to talk about your ex on dates, it's too soon.
Perhaps you are ready, but your new partner talks about their ex a lot; they're likely rushing things, which is also a sign you should step back. Take a break — it's important to heal between relationships. You're doing yourself a disservice by moving on too quickly or getting emotionally involved with someone else who hasn't moved on from their past relationships. Before you call the whole thing off, talk to each other about what keeps you connected to that past relationship so you may be able to help each other move on while still taking time to get to know each other.
You're not at peak comfort
Do you find yourself feeling shocked when your potential love interest talks about their beliefs, from religion to politics and beyond? Are you comfortable talking about where you stand on tough topics? If you can't discuss important issues, yet you're still diving head first into a relationship with them, you're moving too fast. Communication is vital, as is having some of the same interests and outlooks on life. If you support a movement that they think is laughable, does this relationship really have lasting potential? Probably not, unless you want to change who you are for them (which we don't recommend unless that's really what would make you happy and content in life).
It can be simpler things too — like you avoid eating in front of them out of embarrassment of possibly having food stuck in your teeth or worrying they'll think you eat too much or too little. If you're not comfortable being yourself and doing normal things like eating and talking, perhaps it's time to slow things down so you can get more comfortable and spend more time figuring out each other's likes and dislikes. You don't have to agree on everything, but you still need to be able to respect each other's differences and communicate them effectively if you want to be in it for the long haul.
You're obsessed with oversharing
On the other hand, your new date doesn't need to know every detail about you on the first few dates — this is a conversation red flag when dating someone new. If you feel the need to tell them your entire life story, you may be going too fast. Take your time telling them about your life. Start with the most important things, like what you do for a living, your hobbies, and where you're thinking of going on your next vacation. Don't bring up your health concerns, your pregnant friends, and other deep conversations in the beginning — your date doesn't need to know too much, and some subjects may scare them away.
To deter sharing too much, ask more questions and get to know them better. Of course, avoid the more intrusive questions. If it's something you're not ready to share, they probably aren't, either. Getting to know them better will keep you from discovering any surprises later, though (but that comes with time, not oversharing all at once). Be sure to give them time to talk — you don't want to be the only one giving secrets away. When it comes to deeper stuff, you can judge each relationship differently. If you've been sexually intimate with this person, some taboo topics could be added to the conversation list that may not be in a relationship where you're not as inclined to be touchy-feely early on.
Your gut says it's wrong
The most important thing you can do is trust your gut feeling. Don't ignore your instincts, even if you feel like they're steering you in the wrong direction. If your gut is saying there's something off about this person, spend more time getting to know them and less time thinking about a solid future with them. Ask them about the things that give you pause so you can reach a better state of clarity.
The same can be said on the other side of the coin, too — if things absolutely feel right, maybe they are. If none of the points above sounded like you, but you've only been on a few dates, perhaps you are in a good dating scenario that could turn into a happy long-term relationship. It's important to remember that no two relationships are alike, and not everyone goes through the same steps to find a good one.