Partner Refuse To Be Emotionally Vulnerable? Here's What To Do

You might look for kindness on a first date and commitment when making things official, but somewhere in between comes another essential relationship quality: emotional vulnerability. Defined simply, vulnerability is the ability to reveal your true self to another person, from your inner fears to your most embarrassing flaws, and it's basically a requirement for a meaningful relationship. "Vulnerability is the glue that bonds individuals together in any sort of relationship," Dr. Anton Shcherbakov, a licensed clinical psychologist, told PsychCentral. "Without this important glue, our relationship risks being superfluous."

Maybe you already know this and don't hold back expressing your sensitive side to your significant other. But for emotional vulnerability to have an impact, both partners must be able to wear their hearts on their sleeves and share their true, honest feelings.

So what can you do if your S.O. always seems to flip the "off" switch when it's time to open up? Follow these tips to invite more vulnerability into your relationship, without scaring off your other half.

You know that famous saying, "Be the change you wish to see in the world"? Well, the same goes for your relationship. Sometimes, the best way to encourage a partner to try something new is by setting an example first. "Be vulnerable yourself," relationship experts Dana Lam and Martin Kupper explained to Bustle. "If you open up and share scary thoughts and feelings with your partner they will be more likely to be vulnerable with you." Couples therapist Nicole Ohebshalom echoes this idea, telling PsychCentral, "The more you create safety and show your vulnerability, the [safer] your partner [may] feel to share their emotional experience."

Remember, emotional vulnerability is all about you and your personal experience in a given situation. Rather than unloading all the details of what happened during a rough day or complaining about something that upset you, focus on your emotions and how those events impacted you. This is especially vital when it comes to conflict within the relationship. If your S.O. showed up late to dinner, for example, gently share how that action made you feel ("I felt forgotten about, and I worried that I wasn't important to you"), rather than berate them for their mistake.

Another way to get in touch with your vulnerable side in a relationship: Offer praise and appreciation. Letting your partner know how much they mean to you and showing appreciation for their acts of love might encourage them to do the same.

Maybe vulnerability comes easily to you — when you hang out with your friends, you dive right into conversations about tender topics, and when you're with family, you have no problem expressing your affection (and, sometimes, annoyance). However, your S.O. might not even think to share their needs and emotions. This can come off as a complete refusal to open up, when really they just have no idea how to get started.

Taking on the role of active listener can help engage your partner in vulnerable conversations in a way that feels natural, rather than high-pressure. To be a good active listener, you need to ask the right questions. In general, keep questions open-ended (no simple questions that can be answered in one or two words), and avoid asking questions that express an assumption. Follow-up questions are also a pillar of active listening and help you clarify what your partner really meant.

When you ask empathetic — not interrogative — questions, you may find that your significant other eases into vulnerability, perhaps without even noticing that they're opening up. Keep in mind, though, that timing is everything. If your partner has a tendency to shut down at signs of trouble in the relationship, wait until any tension has subsided before approaching them to talk.

One of the quickest ways to push a guarded partner back into their hole is to respond harshly when they do decide to open up. Generally, people avoid emotional vulnerability because they don't want to suffer backlash or abandonment. As Angela Amias, a couples therapist and co-founder of Alchemy of Love, explained to Women's Health, "Being vulnerable requires you to share from your heart and that creates the potential for being hurt or rejected." It's possible that your partner refuses to express their emotions because they were ridiculed for their honesty in the past. While you can't undo what's been done before, you can commit to responding respectfully when your S.O. opens up from now on.

In short, that means no judging, teasing, or criticizing — even if they reveal information that hurts or surprises you. If you're unsure how best to respond, ask your partner directly what would help them feel safe.

Regardless of whether your partner embraces vulnerability or not, try not to take their actions personally. Yes, it's hard to cope when a partner seemingly doesn't trust you enough to show their deepest, hidden self, but taking it to heart might only make matters worse. Instead, approach the situation with curiosity and lightheartedness. According to a 2015 study published in the "Journal of Social and Personal Relationships," couples who use humor to deal with discrepancies in openness tend to be happier than those who use other coping strategies.

In a perfect world, your S.O. would clearly vocalize their feelings, reveal their desires with ease, and swiftly admit when they've slipped up. The reality is that they may not have the skill set to be this vulnerable (and, honestly, they're not the only ones — vulnerability is an ongoing practice for most of us). If they grew up in a household or culture where their emotions were shunned, capital "V" vulnerability can seem overwhelming and even unbearable.

If your partner is open to it, try using specific tools and techniques to make vulnerable communication more accessible. For example, if they struggle to name their feelings, a color code can be a simple alternative. When one of you feels calm and content, you're "green;" when you feel some discomfort, you're "yellow;" and when those uncomfortable emotions escalate, you might be "orange" or even "red."

You can also create structure around emotionally charged conversations. Instead of demanding a discussion in the heat of the moment, schedule weekly check-ins so your partner has time to think over how they're feeling. Taking your tête-à-tête outdoors on a walk can help too. "Walking side-by-side is a much more relaxed atmosphere than sitting opposite someone which can be very intense," psychotherapist Lara Just revealed to Stylist. "With very difficult topics, people often find it easier if they can look to the ground or the tree rather than look at ... the person they're with directly."

It can really derail your relationship when your other half simply refuses to reveal their true self. A connection can be nearly impossible to create when one person is emotionally cut off, and you may struggle to sort out practical matters as a couple — like when to move in together or whether to start a family — if they tend to withhold their honest opinions.

If your partner refuses to be emotionally vulnerable, there's also a good chance that they lean on toxic defense mechanisms, such as blame-shifting or stonewalling in a relationship. If you notice these patterns, or if things don't seem to improve with time, consider seeking help from a professional. A couples counselor may help thaw a frosty, emotionally unavailable partner while guiding you to respond in healthier ways too. If your S.O. acts squeamish at the suggestion of attending counseling together, you can also seek therapy separately.

Remember that you can't make anyone change, with or without support from a professional. Accept that you might have to find a different way of relating to your partner that requires less vulnerability on their part, or reconsider if the relationship is right for you and your needs.